Loading...
|| American Idol ||
1 2 3 NEXT  Page 1 of 3

Re-Meet the Beatles

In week 2 of Lennon-McCartney-Harrison karaoke, American Idol steals the title of “Worst Beatles Impersonation Ever” away from longtime champions the Bee Gees.


I’m learning a lot of important spiritual lessons from my continued reading of Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul. Like how even being related to a semifamous person is its own reward. For example, Chris Richardson’s grandmother likes to tell people who her grandson is everywhere she goes:

“She was in the hospital last week and said to the nurse who was taking care of her, ‘Do you know whose leg your washing?’

And the nurse said, ‘No, I do not.’

Then Big Momma started in with ‘Do you watch American Idol?’” [p.76]

The story gets super-heartwarming after that. Trust me. And it’s not even just the healing, spirit-enriching stories of familial love that have got me fixated on this book. It’s the behind-the-scenes magic too. Like how the show’s stage manager -- I forget her name -- finally realized after Season One how big the show had become when the tour went to Las Vegas and there were fans there “dressed up like Kelly Clarkson.” [p.159]

Now, how does one dress like Kelly Clarkson? I have some ideas:

1. No makeup.

2. Floor-skimming fuck-you-I’m-having-a-full-order-of-Chili’s-baby-back-ribs dresses.

3. Resort wear made of neckties.

Now, the show. It seemed like everyone was really trying last week. Someone sat them all down and said, “There was this band called the Beatles and they were really, really famous once. People will despise you for even trying to sing their songs in public, so you have to try really hard not to suck the donkey dick too much out there.”

Not like there’s been very strict supervision over the years over who gets to sing this stuff. All you have to do is go to YouTube to check out Stars on 45 -- or the clip of Dusty Springfield, Juliet Prowse, and Mireille Mathieu doing a medley with Burt Bacharach -- to hear how ruined these songs can get. And that’s not even the worst of it. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and Across the Universe are readily available on DVD. And at SuckMybBatles.com you can brutalize your ears with renditions of “For the Benefit of Mr. Kite” and “With a Little Help From My Friends” by Tony Randall, joined by Bernadette Peters, Anthony Newley, Diahann Carroll, Mel Tillis, and Paul Williams.

But anyway, this week there was no supervision. At all. The dead rose from their graves and blood rained down from the sky. Anguished howls of curdled agony from Heather Mills’s throat roared over the Atlantic Ocean, hitting their intended target, the power grid that heats the pool, cools the mansion, and spins the ferris wheel at Neverland Ranch. The explosion threw sparks half a mile into the air. Catalog royalties patched the damage. But a new revenue stream would have to be undammed to meet the need. Enter Amanda Overmyer.

American Idol Amanda Overmeyer x395 (fox) | Advocate.com

Before Amanda, though, there are introductions to make, Paula Abdul-Randy Jackson collaborations to plug, creepy winks for Simon to deliver in Seacrest’s direction, a montage of Beatles-related clips to explain who the Beatles were -- Ed Sullivan, Shea Stadium, etc. Then a return to the studio where the band “delved deeper into their own souls,” says Seacrest. Then he uses the word “odyssey.”

This, of course, all equals drugs. Lots and lots and lots of drugs. Me, I’m kind of fixated on the various LSD beards flashing across my TV. John’s was the biggest, Ringo’s the dorkiest, Paul’s the cutest, George’s the most Manson-y.

OK, now Amanda.

She’s going to sing “Back in the U.S.S.R.” And I have a feeling that it’s because she has no choice. I read somewhere that the whole “Lennon-McCartney songbook” thing really amounted to about two dozen songs they all got to choose from. So when the judges tell the singers that they screwed up their song choice, you have to wonder just how much control these kids have in the first place. Not that that makes up for them blowing it when they finally get out on stage. But still.

Amanda’s a mess tonight. Overpowered by the band. Shouting, shouting, shouting. But that’s why I'm into her. So she can do that all night. My husband/partner/whatever, sitting next to me on the couch, yells out, for no apparent reason, “I FUCK IN A BARN!”

“Who does?” I ask.

“Uh… I dunno… she just made me want to say that.”

And the weird thing is that I get where he’s coming from.

After she sings the judges tell her that she was fine but is in danger of becoming a little boring. Maybe she should sing a ballad, offers Paula. Amanda’s response: “Ballads are boring!”

Click here to follow The Advocate on Twitter. 1 2 3 NEXT  Page 1 of 3



More Online Only
  • Film Teen Spirit

    While Native American cultures have long honored people of integrated genders, a new documentary looks at a shocking hate crime against a two-gendered Colorado teenager.

  • Politicians L.A. Confidential

    What's it like to be 33, gay, and one of the most powerful people in America's second-largest city? Stressful, says Matt Szabo, the new deputy chief of staff to Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa.

  • Commentary Love Bites for Twilight's Gay Fans

     

    Gay fanpires are sure to flock to New Moon, but with questions lingering about author Stephanie Meyer and the cash she gives to the Mormon Church, Mike Albo wonders if we'd be better off tying a clove of garlic around our necks.


  • Youth Church Opens Doors for Homeless Gay Teens

    A church-turned-shelter for homeless youth in Queens, New York is a far cry from sleeping on the streets after a $200,000 renovation and a partnership with the Ali Forney Center for LGBT youth.

  • Music France's Latest Export

    He's opened for Britney and Katy Perry, kept Dita Von Teese company in the front row at Paris Fashion Week, and gets name-checked on Twitter by Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, and Sarah Silverman. So who the hell is Sliimy, anyway?

  • Marriage Equality Triumph in the Tar Heel State

    The loss of marriage equality in Maine was a major blow on Election Night, but down the coast in North Carolina there was an LGBT victory. Pam Spaulding talks to Chapel Hill's mayor-elect, Mark Kleinschmidt.

  • Theater Video Content Flag Puppet Masters

    When performance-art drag diva Joey Arias combines forces with master puppeteer Basil Twist, anything — no, seriously, anything — can happen.

  • News Softball With Oprah and Palin

     

    Dave White recaps as Oprah plays nice with Palin in her exclusive, personality-rehabbing interview. Topics include Katie Couric ("badgering"), Levi Johnston ("Ricky Hollywood"), and step class ("gee, it's fun").

  • News View From Washington: Frank Tells

    This week Congressman Barney Frank laid out a plan and a timetable for repealing "don't ask, don't tell..." and a reminder that he's been saying it would happen in 2010 from the beginning.

  • News Features Where's Mitrice?

     

    Mitrice Richardson is a 4.0 student, a former beauty pageant contestant, and a lesbian. She’s also been missing since September, and her family and girlfriend want answers. 


     

  • Theater Seat Filler

    The Advocate’s queen on the New York theater scene meets bisexual conjoined twins, pits Sienna Miller against Jude Law, tastes Cheyenne Jackson’s Rainbow, and saves up for a rainy day with Hugh Jackman.

  • Art Fairey Good 


    Controversial artist Shepard Fairey spends his creative capital to bring marriage equality back to California.

  • Film Crazy Like a Fox

    Hipster actor Jason Schwartzman gets schooled on his gay fans and the Hollywood closet and reveals why he’s never played a gay role.

  • Television Viki Victorious?

     

    Soap icon and six-time Emmy Award winner Erika Slezak talks about the trials and tribulation of playing Victoria Lord and her run for mayor, gay rights, and the sudden death that rocks Llanview.

  • Commentary Called to Serve

    The military continues to operate under the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, which even the Pentagon says is unsubstantiated. As General McChrystal asks for more troops in Afghanistan, one gay Navy vet offers his service to his country in spite of the policy that would deny him.

  • News Features Marriage Foe Tied to Pro-Gay Companies

    Ford Motor Co. and Reynolds American, two companies that receive consistently high marks from the HRC, have ties with Schubert Flint Public Affairs, the firm that was instrumental in defeating marriage equality in California and Maine.

     

  • News Features A Few Good Men

    In honor of Veteran's Day, two of the most famous gay vets -- Frank Kameny and Dan Choi -- share their letters from Uncle Sam.

Most Popular Stories