Extend the Outrage

Being out wouldn't be a problem if gays were accepted in all walks of life. Americans are so homophobic that most people can't risk not getting a job and moving up the ladder in business. We should all be totally crazy hiding who we are most of our lives. For whom? There isn't really anyone that important. Everyone adjusts. I wish that we lived in a country free of religious hatred. Most gays are emotionally damaged when they finally have the courage to come out. It is a sad country for gays.

Name: Judy Date posted:5-14-09 Hometown: Elkridge, MD This is an excellent article. I was married to a closeted gay man for 46 and 1/2 years. I can't begin to tell you of the hurt I felt upon his coming out. I felt betrayed, used--abused emotionally, and heart broken to the very core of me. Straight Spouse Network saved my life. I beg any gay man who has come out to counsel those in the closet to get out of their marriages while their spouse is young enough to heal and perhaps be happy in a straight relationship. Thanks for publishing this article.

Disagree Alan. I know someone who is secretly gay, and I respect his secret, because it would devastate his parents. But when someone also actively works against the gay community in a quest for their own advancement, sorry Yes, they're a victim. Yes, they may have good reasons for not coming out. But when they collude with the enemy, they have lost all morality, just as if a soldier not only deserted his army, but did so to join the enemy. I can have little sympathy for traitors who actively hurt their own gay community. Sometimes you can turn and run/ hide. Preferably you find your gonads and do something about the poison that infests our society. But to join in the poisoning - to be a gutless traitor - is the worst. Especially where coming out will help destroy the purveyors of homophobia - the political party which is destroying itself now, and only needs a couple good kicks to totally implode. Good Riddance.

The str8 spouses whose lives are shattered..... What they are is just more victims of the right wing churches hatreds and homophobia. Thanks for pointing this out, All America suffers from those churches who poison our national soul. Their lies are a quest for the high of absolute power over others. I've met 3 gay men who admitted they were married for 1-2 decades. Why - the consistent story was it was what was expected of them, along with a comment - "if my Dad found out I was gay, it would kill him". But kids are coming out left and right nowadays Not waiting till midlife and failure of a marriage based on a lie. And the homophobic churches will be exposed, and disgraced. Good Riddance. God will deal with their leaders. Isn't going to be a fun scene for them.

The Straight Spouse Network is a right/wrong victim centered resource? Oh please. There are MANY stories, solutions, experiences shared CONFIDENTIALLY by spouses. And its a safe place - the only place that is open to such a diverse group of people - safe from political correctness and telling people how they "should" think. To sustain a mixed orientation marriage, you must live in honesty and truth. That includes the straight spouse having their own authentic feelings and experiences. And yeah, it better be "victim centered". A step above being mere "collateral damage" this support group affirms the fully human experience of the straight spouse - in all its unfair ugliness and denial.

It is unfortunate that Amity offers her Straight Spouse Network as the only available resource. It is one of many that are confounded with anger and destructive guidance. Such sites are unfortunately popular in our right/wrong, victim centered society. Internet research will reveal support groups where the focus is on respect, understanding, and finding positive solutions for both partners in the Mixed Orientation Marriage.

Amity Buxton's many good points contain generalizations that bear scrutiny. Certainly gays do intentionally marry straights. Some do because a counselor or religious figure has assured them of the "marriage cure" for their homosexuality. Others, particularly those who married in the 60s and 70s knew no other choice -- society in some parts of North America allowed only the straight track. (It still does in some areas, but TV, movies, and the media are weakening it's hold.) Many homosexuals do not recognize their gay sexuality until much later in life - such is the power of society's repression, and pressure to follow the norm to allow them no model upon which to evaluate, identify, and test their sexuality. Amity fails to recognize their only intent was to have a successful and fruitful marriage. When a suppressed sexuality emerges some years later it is equally as devastating for both partners. Both have commitments to each other, children, and community. Neither is a sole victim.

The phrase in the article "... the reasons why many gay men marry unsuspecting women..." is laced with the unwarranted innuendo that gay men marry straight women as a deliberate act of deception. Often they marry these women simply because they love them. There are two distinct moments in a gay man's life: first in early adolescence when he realizes he has same sex attraction and then second when he identifies himself as "gay". There are often years, sometimes decades, between the two. Culture and religion are the main things that extend the time frame between these moments. Thankfully, society is rapidly evolving to make this time frame is ZERO for gays, just as it is has always been for straights. But until then, the better way to phrase it is "some gay men will marry women because they have not yet come out to themselves." Perhaps the starting point on the morality question should be around the actions the man takes once he realizes he is gay.

I believe that it is important to recognize that there are successful mixed-orientation marriages, preferably, open from the beginning, but also those that are maintained after the closeted partner comes out. Counseling, where needed, and open communication are crucial for both partners and children. Freedom applies to the individual and shared decisions of partners in all types of marriages.

A very good article indeed. I am a Gay Man that was once married to a woman. I knew I was gay before I married but coming from a very Catholic Italian Family, being gay was just not an option. I didn't act on my homosexual feelings much in the past and I married with hope the feelings would fade. They of course didn't and I ended up coming out to her 5 years and two kids into the marriage. I went through a very long period of guilt for what I put her and my entire family through. It has since been ten years and we now have very good relationship. Having two children certainly kept us together in some aspect and has helped both of us through this life altering struggle. It wasn't all that easy for us but we endured and worked together through it. Unfortunately, until our society is accepting and embracing of homosexuality this will continue. We don't hide the fact that I am gay from our Children as we feel they will be the key in perpetuating love and acceptance in the future.