|| Music ||

Page 1 of 1

From The Advocate September 2009

So Much to Say

Gays may ridicule him about his fascination with the Dave Matthews Band, but author and journalist Benoit Denizet-Lewis loves the group's front man and is not afraid to admit it.

By Benoit Denizet-Lewis

Back when people purchased their music in stores (and, thankfully, could not yet Twitter about it -- Just passed a hottie on the escalator at Virgin! ), a former boyfriend and I went CD shopping. I don't like shopping, especially on a Saturday when I could be watching college football, but that afternoon I practically skipped to the local record store, where he bought some obscure German CD that his hipster friends were raving about and I grabbed the latest album from my favorite group, the Dave Matthews Band.

"You're the weirdest gay," he muttered as I drove us home blasting DMB the whole way. "And what are you going to do now -- play beer pong with some frat boys?"

I just might, I told him, causing him to gasp in the same way he had when I'd announced earlier in the day that I would happily cheat on him if Dave Matthews ever wanted to, you know, "crash into me," to borrow the title of one of his most popular songs. Never mind that Dave wasn't my type (he was over 30 , for one) or that he was married -- to a woman. I had still fallen madly and unexpectedly in love with him five years before at Northwestern University when my fraternity brothers dragged me to one of his shows.

The brothers and I didn't share a musical aesthetic (they eagerly mocked my Tori Amos collection), but with the help of some unexpectedly stellar weed from New Jersey, we bonded that night over the jazzy, jam-band sound of Dave and his talented bandmates. I went out the next day and bought the group's CD, and I was one of the first in line to buy their latest, Big Whiskey & the Groogrux King , which came out this summer.

But Dave Matthews is best appreciated in concert, and I've appreciated him nearly 50 times, often dragging along my gay friends, who bitch and moan until they see thousands of hot guys (some accompanied by girlfriends, sadly) dancing to music that my friends invariably end up liking. "This is actually pretty fun," they say.

How to explain my DMB obsession? According to my former therapist, it is yet another example of my unwillingness to grow up. "You're 30 now," she said deliberately, as if breaking some terrible news. "Should you really be going to concerts with cute, stoned, shirtless college boys?"

"Well, if you put it like that, then definitely!" I joked, causing her to shift slightly in her seat and scribble something snooty in her notepad.

It's tempting to psychoanalyze my obsession with Dave Matthews, but the truth is that I've always been an unusual gay. A friend once called me an "artsy jock," meaning I love theater as much as I love playing and watching sports. I've never fit neatly into any one group, and I don't love sports, Dave Matthews, or Tori Amos because I'm obsessed with appearing masculine, young, or supergay. I love them because I love them. Or, as a friend put it, "You love them because you have shitty taste."

Still, I am not alone in my shitty taste. Over the years I've met many openly gay Dave Matthews fans (and many more Abercrombie-wearing closet cases, who communicate their interest at concerts by ignoring their girlfriends and subtly rubbing against you as they hand you a joint), and you can only imagine our excitement when we first heard the lyrics to the 1996 DMB song "So Much to Say":

I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside

Can't see the lightâ€¦

Yeah yeah yeah can't see the light

Keep it locked up inside don't talk about it

T-t-talk about the weather

Yeah yeah yeah

Open up my head and let me out little babyâ€¦

I find sometimes it's easy to be myself

Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else

Was Dave trying to tell us something, or had he written that song for his gay fans? Maybe, as some straight DMB fans insist, the song isn't about being closeted -- it's about the universal struggle to be ourselves. So let me end this story by being myself: My name is Benoit, and I'm addicted to the Dave Matthews Band.

Benoit Denizet-Lewis Lewis is a writer with The New York Times Magazine and the author of America Anonymous: Eight Addicts in Search of a Life. A collection of his previously published writing entitled American Voyeur: Dispatches from the Far Reaches of Modern Life will be published in January.

‹‹Previous Article in Category | Next Article in Category››

Reader Comments

Back to top Report Abuse
Name: Nicole Andris
Date posted: 8/14/2009 9:18:00 AM
Hometown: Rockford, Michigan

Comment:
The beauty of the Dave Matthews Band is they bypass gender/sexual/color lines! The music, they lyrics (as the writer found) communicate universal truthes/struggles. I believe whoever you are you can love this music. I, like the writer, love LOVE LOVE this band - not because I am obsessed with any one member - their looks or the way they move (love the lil two step Dave does) but because they are incredible in the musicality of thier work! I love how the music flows around itself working into this incredible tapastry that is any one of the songs performed that night at a concert. My favorite songs: Captain and Best of What's Around Eat, drink and be merry friends!
Back to top Report Abuse
Name: Amy Robins-Holland
Date posted: 8/14/2009 9:03:00 AM
Hometown: Dallas

Comment:
I love this! Benoit you rock! I'm a 43 year old bi-polar mom of three. I'll sit in an ampitheater full of frat boys to watch Dave anyday.
Back to top Report Abuse
Name: BDoc310
Date posted: 8/13/2009 10:40:00 PM
Hometown: Honolulu

Comment:
I'm a huuuuuge Dave Matthews Band fan. #41 and Two Step are two of my favorites. I have long admired Dave after hearing several interviews with him early on in his career, mid-90's or so. He's smart, open-minded, funny and talented as heck. I'm gay and I love me some Dave Matthews. Be proud. Music doesn't have to be just about Lady Gaga and Madonna. Dave is the best.
Back to top Report Abuse
Name: Benoit
Date posted: 8/13/2009 8:36:00 PM
Hometown: Boston

Comment:
Hi All, Great to hear from so many gay Dave fans. You should all join the facebook group, Dave Matthews Can Crash Into Me Any Day.
Back to top Report Abuse
Name: David
Date posted: 8/13/2009 2:18:00 PM
Hometown: Enfield, NH

Comment:
My name's Dave...and I'm addicted to gave. Wish I had some fellow gay DMB fans to go to shows with...#37 coming up at Camden.
Back to top Report Abuse
Name: Cory
Date posted: 8/13/2009 9:57:00 AM
Hometown: West Palm Beach

Comment:
My name is Cory. I'm gay and I am obsessed with Dave Matthews Band. I literally Googled "gay dave matthews fans" hoping to find a discussion board or fan site to gush about my all time favorite (die hard since 1994) band; DMB. Instead I found an article from the issue of The Advocate that arrived on my doorstep 2 days ago. Hells yes! Going to the West Palm show tomorrow. Can't Wait. I'm dragging my progressive-house dance music loving boyfriend to his FIRST DMB concert. Poor kid. Hope he likes it as much as me. He's warned me not to over do it... getting him burnt out before the concert. How could this be possible!? Anyway. I digress. Open up my mind and let me out.... little BABY!
Back to top Report Abuse
Name: Anthony
Date posted: 8/11/2009 1:26:00 PM
Hometown: New Jersey

Comment:
My name is Anthony, I'm Gay and I'm addicted to the Dave Matthews Band. Just got back from Virginia each/Bristow Shows - 29 shows and counting since 2007.... Good Friends & Good Times.
Back to top Report Abuse
Name: Brian
Date posted: 8/10/2009 5:17:00 PM
Hometown: Indianapolis, IN

Comment:
Dave rocks, his music makes me happy and lifts my spirits whenever I listen to him... he is also a very progressive/liberal thinker who is on our side on the issues
Back to top Report Abuse
Name: Chad
Date posted: 8/10/2009 4:38:00 PM
Hometown: Minneapolis, MN

Comment:
I can relate in SOOOOOOO many ways to this piece. What a great read. I'm forwarding it on to all my gay friends. I love DMB so much, very obsessed, and it's all about the music. Their shows are a blast (eye candy FTW!).
Back to top Report Abuse
Name: Mary
Date posted: 8/10/2009 3:36:00 PM
Hometown: Minnesota

Comment:
You have to be young to like DMB? Well, that's news to me. I didn't start listening to the band's music until after I'd had three children - and it wasn't because they were listening to DMB. I'm with you, Benoit. I love DMB. Love what you love, without regard to fashion or other people's tastes.

PREVIOUS 1 2 NEXT

Don't Miss

News Features WATCH: Son Defends Two Moms in Prop. 8 Case
Seventeen-year-old Spencer Perry is the latest of a number of young people who are standing up for their gay and lesbian parents and showing that the kids are all right, no matter what politicians might say.

Commentary Op-ed: Our Groups Need More Color in Their Rainbow

LGBT organizations need more racially diverse leaders, and there are a number of resolvable reasons why they are now lacking, argues Jimmy Nguyen.

News WATCH: Dustin Lance Black on Prop. 8, Election 2012
Dustin Lance Black, the screenwriter and founding board member for the American Foundation for Equal Rights, spoke to The Advocate after an appeals court called Prop. 8 unconstitutional.

Commentary Op-ed: Disliking Us Is No Longer a Legal Rationale

What the appeals court judges said in their ruling on Proposition 8’s constitutionality will have far-reaching consequences, and that has our opponents freaking out.

Television World’s First Openly Gay Royal Is on Fairy Tale Search for Love
India's gay Prince Manvendra Singh Gohil was burned in effigy when he surprised his countrymen and came out. Now he's going undercover to find love on a new reality show on TLC.

News Features Filmmakers Work for Marriage Equality
Instead of the typical campaign commercials advocating against antigay ballot initiatives like North Carolina's Amendment 1, Working Films is going deeper to show how these laws harm families.

Commentary Op-ed: Why We Are Fighting Meth

The executive producers for the Hollywood Rush witnessed a friend’s struggle with the drug and are trying to do something about it.

Music The Advocate Editors' Personal Madonna Moments
In honor of our March cover subject, we're sharing our own Madonna recollections, including getting nearly trampled by her fans and receiving correspondence from the lady herself.

Commentary Advice: Two Weddings, Two Sets of Gifts?
One groom-to-be asks what to do if you've already been married once before, but not "gay-married." Is it taboo to ask friends for wedding gifts again?

Television Housewives' Kyle Loves You, But Hands Off Her Mauricio
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Kyle Richards tells us about fending off gay advances toward her husband and receiving come-ons from lesbians.

News Quinn to Christie: Stop “Playing Games” With Marriage
New York City Council speaker Christine Quinn said that Gov. Chris Christie appears to be playing a “political game” with his call for a marriage equality referendum in New Jersey.

News Prop. 8 Recordings Could Still Be Made Public ... in 2020
Court rules mandate that documents filed under seal become public 10 years after a decision in the case — unless a legal party shows “good cause” as to why they should remain out of the public’s hands.

Best of Broadway Smash: Why You Will Love It
Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, two of the producers of NBC’s new critically acclaimed musical series, explain why the backstage drama of creating a musical about Marilyn Monroe has mass appeal and why big stars like Anjelica Huston, Uma Thurman, Bernadette Peters, and Nick Jonas were eager to appear in it.

Best of Broadway The Advocate Staff Remembers: Best of Broadway
The staff of The Advocate turns back the pages of time and shares their favorite Broadway memories. We asked for yours earlier so it only seemed fair that we share, too.

Best of Broadway Sometimes a Hat Makes a Big Difference
Who has the best Easter bonnet? It's just another of the unexpected ways that Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS raises money for the cause.

News Psychedelic Queen of Pop (Art)
The March 2012 issue of The Advocate kicks off our 45th anniversary by paying homage to its birth year, 1967.

Best of Broadway Dressing Felicia: Priscilla's Costume Designer Talks Shop
Costume designer Tim Chappel shares private sketches with The Advocate of his work on The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and gives the behind-the-scenes scoop on that flip-flop dress.

Best of Broadway How Broadway Does a Flea Market
Find out why actress Kathleen Chalfant calls the annual Flea Market and Grand Auction in Times Square "the most glamorous flea market you've ever seen." It raised half a million dollars to fight HIV/AIDS.

Best of Broadway Especially for You, It All Goes Backwards on Broadway
Here's your chance to hear the best of Broadway sung with you in mind at the annual Broadway Backwards event.

Best of Broadway You Picked: Broadway's Best Moments
We asked for your most loved and loathed moments from the Broadway stage. Here are eight of our reader's favorite musical moments, plus two that were not so well received.

Travel Gayest Cities in America, 2012
It's no secret that megalopolises New York City, Chicago, and Los Angeles have robust LGBT life — and we've even heard tell of little queer hoods like the Castro and P-Town. This isn't that list.

Business Best Companies List: Who Is on Your Side?
The Human Rights Campaign released its newly updated Corporate Equality Index today. Here's the complete list of companies that scored 100% for being LGBT-friendly.