Living in the Monkey House

“Did you know the Emmys are thinking of inventing a ‘Best Reality Host’ category?” asks my husband/partner/whatever.

“So Dr. Drew could get an Emmy then?” I ask.

“Yes,” he says. But really we’d both want it to be Heidi. She should always be dressed in something like what she wore to the Oscars and either giving or receiving some kind of award. At the beginning of this episode she comes out dressed in a gun-metal fabric accordion. It’s good. And she’s already giving the final four a new challenge. Make a collection for Fashion Week. The specifics: 12 looks, $8,000 budget, five months to put it together. That’s way longer than last season when they had only two months to deal. But then the show’s air schedule has been all fucked up this year too, so I’m sure that has something to do with it. Anyway, I’m glad it’s almost over. Not only has this season been kind of dull, but I am stone-dead beaten down from recapping both this and fucking American Idol during the audition rounds. There is such a thing as too much TV.

Heidi tells Christian and Jillian that they are guaranteed spots at Fashion Week. They clasp hands and Christian makes a little kissy-face at Jillian. Chris and Rami, on the other hand, have to duke it out. Tim Gunn walks out onto the runway to let the designers know that he will be checking in with all of them during the coming months to inspect their work. Heidi tells them all, finally, that it’s time to go to the roof of the Gotham Apartments for a toast. “Come, Tim,” she flirts and walks off the runway in another direction, tosses her head back to the designers and says, “I’ll see you there.” As in, “You’re all being taken in grimy cabs. I have a town car waiting for me. We were never close.”

On the roof of the building, they all sip champagne. Christian says, on interview-cam: “[Long, excited humming noise] I’msoexcited…to have won the last challenge. I have a guaranteed 'in' to Fashion Week. How ‘bout that? [snapping noise] Don’t play games. [head and neck tilt] AnI’m21yerzzold! That’s fierce!”

Cut to Jillian, who says she has “her eyes on the prize. All I can see is winning.” And that could happen, truthfully. It’s really going to be about her or Christian. And she could wind up stealing it from him. Not like it matters all that much. This show’s track record for catapulting winners into some kind of glittering fashion after-career is pretty weak so far, not at all commensurate with the ink or ratings or amount of fandom the show’s inspired. American Idol, with its failures and weirdnesses, has been more reliable, frankly. Hell’s Kitchen has been more reliable.

3 ½ months later…

It’s cold and rainy and slushy and Tim Gunn is nestled in the warmth of a Saturn. He stops at Christian’s 25-square-foot apartment, where they double-cheek-kiss each other, papa seeing his long-lost boy for the first time in months.

Then we get to see the tiny room where he sews and sleeps on the floor at night. The mat that is his bed hangs from the door. It’s the sort of thing you don’t mind so much when you’re 21, sleeping on floors. But that shit gets old quickly after around age 25. That kid better have a for-real bed by then.

Next comes a montage of Christian growing up. He had Gay-Face even when he was a baby. Then when he was still in diapers he went to work for a salon. Then he entered first grade and Alexander McQueen called him over to London to work for him. Now, at 9, here he is on Project Runway. So much so fast. Middle school is going to be a drag after all this.

He shows Tim a neck ruffle that’s about the size of the room they’re both standing in. Tim’s response is to tell Christian that he needs to know when he doesn’t need something. To edit. Unless it’s a NECK RUFFLE MEANT TO COVER AN ENTIRE FACE, OF COURSE, BECAUSE THAT IS AWESOME.

Next? Pants made of feathers.