"Go Go Go on Those Brother Sewing Machines" 

The Kenley haters are out for blood. Like in a way that kind of freaks me out. Why so upset, Anti-Kens? As my favorite commenter of the week -- a guy named Mike -- said, “So Kenley’s snotty. Just like every famous fashionista and victim and blog poster.” 

That’s so true. And I believe it’s not worth expending a lot of emotional energy on her. Kenley is the product of many external forces: tugboating, Brooklyn, the “unique and precious snowflake” child-rearing method, easy Internet access to retro nostalgia, and the population at large’s generalized seething resentment over not being a fame phenomenon by age 25. Except now she is, and she could sweep this thing. So ready yourselves for the possibility that the season’s “villain” could win it all. 

And on a personal note, I know that Mike wasn’t talking about me at all when he mentioned famous blog posters being snotty because of how (a) I’m not famous and also because of how (b) I’m not snotty. I am a serious and cerebral journalist whose serious and cerebral journalism beat is totally important reality TV coverage. I have a lot of stinging, probing cultural insights on this show and how it’s a microcosm of society at large and the Iraq and such as. If you keep on reading, I’m going to get all Joan Didion-ish and explode your view, make you see how we are, all of us, on a Project Runway of the soul. The parallels are significant, spiritual, and profound. 

Speaking of spirituality, WHY IS THERE NO FUCKIN’ REUNION SHOW? (Notice how I dropped that “g” there? I want it known that, as a Texan, I was talkin’ and writin’ like a hick way before that gross hockey mom Republican knucklehead -- whose real name could even possibly be “Paling” for all we know -- ruined lazy, not exactly grammatical English for all of us. I’m takin’ it back, all 1991 Queer Nation-style.) Anyway, IT IS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF BRAVO TO GIVE ME A REUNION SHOW. The “Tim Gunn getting to know you in his Saturn” episode is only 50% of my penultimate pleasure when a season winds down. I need rehashed controversies about Angela’s mom and wasted Johnny Cash-themed ramblings. I NEED them. Bravo hates my needs. It would probably kick me in the wiener area if it could. 

OK, so the show and what happens: The bloopy model-picking music is the first thing we hear because the episode opens with everyone seated at the runway and Heidi walking out in a hot sheer black minidress. She’s here to send the final four packing back to whatever shit-boring town they live in to create their 10-piece collection. When they return to New York they will be judged, Heidi will be pregnant again with a new Seal-fetus, and one of them will be out. They get a budget of $8,000 and two months to make it happen. Oh, and one more thing: Since they all mostly sucked a moose on the final evening gown challenge, now they have to include a wedding gown in their final collection. 

Ha-HA! 

Korto starts right in with some interview-cam complaining. She’s irked because “I thought we were gonna be freeeee! But I’ma still bring it and work it.” And nip it and twerk it. Then Tim Gunn comes out, double-cheek-busses Heidi, and tells them all that he’ll be traveling around the country to visit them before they “compete on the fashion industry’s biggest stage.” Then Heidi barks “AMAZE US!” before prancing back behind the scrim with Tim so they can fake air-kiss in silhouette. Why has no one ever made the shark or bunny hand sign when they get behind that thing? 

Still burning with anger and hatred, the four leave Atlas. Kenley bolts out without any goodbyes, practically racing through the lobby. “She’s just late for a Reverend Horton Heat show,” says Xtreem Aaron, lying on the living room rug. I guess I forgot to mention who’s watching with me tonight: XA, the husband/partner/whatever, and XA’s ex-boyfriend Gary, who brought a giant chocolate Heath Bar cake over for all of us to eat. Today was Gary’s last day working on a TV show on another network, so they gave him a cake that no one on the set wanted to eat. That always blows my mind, cake refusal. I mean, I know, like, three people who simply don’t like the taste or texture or sweetness of cake. But leaving them out of the discussion, what kind of otherwise cake-enjoying person, what sort of inhuman monster, doesn’t want to eat cake any time it’s offered to them? I don’t expect an immediate answer. But it’s just more evidence that Los Angeles can ruin you if you’re not strong and vigilant. 

Jerell, on interview-cam, claims that he will be “constructing pure magic” with his 8K. And because I no longer detest Jerell, I want him to be right. And it’d be nice to see some pure magic for once this season. Cuz it ain’t happened yet. And do you know why that is? That’s right, because they kicked off Terri. 

Tim Gunn hits Little Rock in a Saturn SUV and knocks on Korto’s door. “Who is it?” asks Korto, her huge quantity of hair somehow tamed underneath a black scarf attached somewhat tightly to her skull. 

“You’re wearing a microphone pack, lady. You know who it is,” says Gary, who has all sorts of stories about TV production now that he works in the business.