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Study: Monogamy Not Key for Many Gays


Non monogamy gayx390 (Photos.com) | Advocate.com

A new study indicates that monogamy may not be of paramount importance to many gay relationships, and suggests that is good news for couples that decide to open their unions.

According to The New York Times, the Gay Couples Study from San Francisco State University followed 556 male couples in the Bay Area for three years, and found that 50% of them had sex outside the relationship with the approval of their partner.

The implications for the relationships often were healthy.

“A study to be released next month is offering a rare glimpse inside gay relationships and reveals that monogamy is not a central feature for many,” reports the Times. “Some gay men and lesbians argue that, as a result, they have stronger, longer-lasting and more honest relationships. And while that may sound counterintuitive, some experts say boundary-challenging gay relationships represent an evolution in marriage -- one that might point the way for the survival of the institution.”

However, contrary to an earlier study, which found that monogamous relationships were shorter lived, the new study found that same-sex couples in exclusive relationships were comparably happy to couples in open relationships.

The findings arrive after television host Joy Behar came under fire this week for suggesting that gay couples were more likely to be non-monogamous and happy about the arrangement than straight couples.

Despite the positive assessment of open relationships in the new study, couples in them were reluctant to be interviewed by the Times, citing personal and political reasons.

“None of this is news in the gay community, but few will speak publicly about it,” reported the Times. “Of the dozen people in open relationships contacted for this column, no one would agree to use his or her full name, citing privacy concerns. They also worried that discussing the subject could undermine the legal fight for same-sex marriage.”

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Reader Comments
  • Name: Liam
    Date posted: 1/31/2010 11:55:33 PM
    Hometown: Portland

    Comment:

    So those of us who do value monogamy shouldnt be taken seriously? Not all gay men feel the need to have sex with everyone who has a pulse and a penis.

  • Name: Caleb
    Date posted: 1/30/2010 10:37:47 PM
    Hometown: Atlanta

    Comment:

    Ben that is great and I applaud you for sticking up for the libertarian movement. I am in complete agreement with you. Be that as it may, we do not live in a country full of Polly-Anna live-and-let-live do-gooders. We just don't. This is a time to be realistic, not idealistic. No matter how things SHOULD be, you and those like you completely miss the real point here: that those in power (i.e.-the straight majority) see things a certain way and put minorities like us under a social microscope. You, the individual, may be in a monogamous relationship. Despite that, there are a thousand other same-sex couples who are not. (Take a look at this study??) THOSE are the ones people look at; THOSE are the people that rep us to the world. Therefore, it is incumbent on us to do as much as we can to portray the positive image we tout via GLAAD and HRC. This study? Makes all those statements that we are 'just like anyone else' look like a load f you-know-what to straight onlookers.

  • Name: Ben
    Date posted: 1/30/2010 9:26:58 PM
    Hometown: NY

    Comment:

    Caleb, what really affects our community negatively isn't that some gay people choose to have open relationships, but rather that certain members of our community go around judging and blaming and pointing fingers at other gay men, without understanding that the sexual behavior of other consenting adults is none of their damn business. I happen to be in a monogamous relationship. This is how I choose to live. Others choose differently, and that is their right. What you need to understand is that the prejudices held against us have nothing to do with the promiscuity of some gay people. Bigots will use any reason, real or imagined, accurate or inflated, to justify their attitudes, and therefore it would be useless and pathetic for gay men and women to spend our lives obsessed with what straight people may or may not think about everything we do.

  • Name: Jerry
    Date posted: 1/30/2010 8:43:22 PM
    Hometown: Washington DC

    Comment:

    While the honesty of gay couples admitting that they are not in monogamous relationships, the divorce rate of str8 couples point out that those relationships are also not monogamous. A major difference is that an open relationship is not one where one or both partners are deceiving the other .

  • Name: Caleb
    Date posted: 1/30/2010 8:02:48 PM
    Hometown: Atlanta

    Comment:

    Ben, if you think for one freaking second that the image we as a group (not as individuals) project to the rest of the world now days doesn't reinforce some of the arguments used against us, you need to wake up and smell the coffee. It is a joke to say that things like some Gay Pride festivals and various circuit parties (while potentially fund-raising and fun, above all else) don't affect our community negatively. This study is just another brick in the wall, as far as I'm concerned, promoting the prevalent view that we are an oversexed, polygamous group of people...views unacceptable to the general public.

  • Name: Ben
    Date posted: 1/30/2010 7:40:38 PM
    Hometown: NY

    Comment:

    There seems to be a myth among many gay people that our sexual behavior, promiscuous or otherwise, causes homophobia. I was well-known as a faggot as a child, at least a decade before I'd started having sex with anybody. I was not called this because of the sex I was having. If you are gay, you could be celibate your whole life and it would make little difference regarding the amount of discrimination and hatred you would encounter. It is not what we do that they hate, it is who we are, and most importantly, IT IS NOT OUR FAULT. I am sick and tired of gay people pointing the finger at each other and blaming one another for the fucked up situation we're in.

  • Name: Caleb
    Date posted: 1/30/2010 6:37:20 PM
    Hometown: Atlanta

    Comment:

    It's no f*cking wonder straight people don't want to share marriage. God, don't you people get it??!? This is the image we project to a population that doesn't quite understand the GLBT community the way the we, ourselves, do! How do you think America views this behavior? As 'healthy' for a relationship??? NO! They don't want to let a bunch of polygamous gays get married. And why should they!? This story exemplifies what marriage is NOT supposed to be! Regardless if straight people partake in these same behaviors, they aren't under the social magnifying glass: WE ARE.

  • Name: C
    Date posted: 1/30/2010 5:31:29 PM
    Hometown: U.S

    Comment:

    I agree with Crystal. Nothing personally against open relationships, but this must be a guy thing. The survey only included male couples, and for every one of the many lesbians I know, their ultimate goal in romance is a committed, lifetime relationship. Besides that, does anyone besides George Clooney want to be 50 and single? :)

  • Name: michaelandfred
    Date posted: 1/30/2010 5:27:08 PM
    Hometown: Miami beach

    Comment:

    From my experience this study is spot on. (Although I TOO think the lesbian part was added extra) I've been, gloriously happy with my husband for 23 years and we have lived and travelled all over the world and met hundreds of gay couples in long relationships and I can't think of one were the couple after a time hadn't come to some "kind" of arrangement on their sex lives. The few who insisted they were totally monogamous were the ones were one or both would slip us a phone number when the other wasn't looking. Monogamy is a modern concept, not one that is human nature. Statistics show 70+% of men cheat and it's in the low 60's for women now. So strive for it if you wish by all means, but why make it the be all end all of what a good relationship means? What hurts the relationship is dishonesty. There are 6+ billion people on the planet, straight, gay and bi. More religions, ethnicities, cultures than you can shake a stick at. To assume that we all follow the same rules is ludicrous

  • Name: Dameon
    Date posted: 1/30/2010 11:03:28 AM
    Hometown: Phoenix

    Comment:

    While the methodology of this study is flawed, that does not mean the argument is completely wrong. I am in an open relationship right now and it works fine. People who say "monogamy builds stronger relationships" and look down on my husband and I for having an open relationship are quite simply moral snobs, straight or gay. I personally do not associate sex with marriage; to me they are completely different acts. I would also love to get married from a legal perspective, regardless of who I have sex with. For gay couples in monogamous relationships out there who enjoy it, good for them. However, if you are monogamous and you judge open relationships as any less serious or committed based on YOUR standards, you are just as bad as the bigots out there who would deny all of us our legal rights.

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