Melissa Etheridge
talks about her new album, the Joplin movie, narrating
After Stonewall, touring with children,
coparenting with Julie, and finding her true purpose
in life: motherhood
There’s a
gigantic white bear lying smack in the middle of Melissa
Etheridge’s living room, but the petite singer seems
oblivious to everything but the snapshot in her hand.
“Here it is,” says Etheridge.
“Isn’t she gorgeous?”
Etheridge
isn’t talking about her partner, filmmaker Julie
Cypher, or looking at that famous, steamy photo of the
couple nude. This time she’s showing off baby
pictures—of their 2-year-old daughter, Bailey, and
their 6-month-old son, Beckett. At home, surrounded by
a jumble of stuffed animals, blocks, and crayons,
Etheridge seems happier than ever, a woman in love.
Since 1993 the
Grammy-winning singer and songwriter, with her sold-out
tours, best-selling albums, and screaming fans, has been
making headlines as a genuine rock-and-roll
heroine—and a dedicated activist to boot, most
recently flying her rainbow colors as the narrator of the
new documentary After Stonewall. Now the woman
who came out at President Clinton’s inaugural
celebration is boldly entering new territory as she promotes
gay and lesbian family values.
While lesbian and
gay parenting has become a cutting-edge issue in the
1990s, for Etheridge it’s the personal side of
raising children that’s truly changed her life.
Warm and direct, with tousled hair and a friendly
smile, she’s as unpretentious as the mom next
door—with a more powerful voice than ever.
So, congratulations! What’s it like having a new
baby again?
Well, we just went from one to the other, so it
wasn’t that huge of a change. But it’s
great! We’re so much more relaxed this time;
we’re not up listening to every single breath
he takes.
Does that mean you two are actually getting some sleep?
Well, I sleep a little bit more. Julie’s
still breast-feeding, so she’s up during the
night. Beckett’s a big boy, and he eats a lot.
And how’s Bailey adjusting?
The first month she was like, “Hold me.
What are you doing holding him?” Now, five
months later, she’s way into it. The routine’s
up in the morning, a little bit of Sesame
Street, a little breakfast, then off and playing.
I’ll go into my office and work and do stuff, and
Julie will write in her office. Plus we have a little
bit of help on weekdays.
So it doesn’t seem like total bedlam most of the time?
No, no, it’s great. And you know, I’m a
sucker. If Bailey wants me to come look at the tea
party she set up with the Beanie Babies, I’m right
in there.
Since it’s frequently much more interesting than
what grown-ups do.
Exactly. “Gee, I must tear myself away
from the business phone call. How sad.”
Has parenting changed you?
The whole idea of having a child has made me
much more of an activist, more concerned about the
world. I mean, I used to be concerned, but it was sort
of finite. Now I want the world to be
better—perfect—because my children are
going to be here after me. Things mean more. Things matter.
Do you ever catch yourself being your mother or sounding
exactly like your dad?
Yeah, well, I catch myself.… Having
children makes me understand more about my mother. It
also makes me angrier about the things my parents
didn’t do. It’s just so important to me to
tell my daughter that I’m an emotional person,
that we all are. Whereas when I was growing up, it was,
“Don’t cry, don’t cry.
Everything’s OK. Don’t be angry. None of us
are angry.”
Kids are so
perceptive. They’ll notice that, Hmm, Mom’s
angry, and she’s not saying anything and
stuffing it down, so I think that’s what
I’m supposed to do. They just imprint it, and
off they go.
So now I say to
Bailey, “I understand you’re angry;
there’s nothing wrong with that. You just
can’t hit the dog.”
What about the way people treat you now? Do your friends
see you differently?
There are some things people without kids
don’t get. You know, we’ll be invited to
a dinner party. “Great, OK,” we say,
“we’ll be there. What time?”
“About 10.” And they don’t
understand—we go to sleep at 10!
Do you still get that annoying question, “Which
one of you is the real mom?”
Oh, yeah. [Shakes her head] I just say,
“Julie’s the birth mother, and
I’m the real mom.” I’ve adopted Bailey,
and I’m in the process of adopting Beckett. But
when people ask me in interviews, you know, “Do you
feel as close to the children as Julie does?”
I’m like, That is such an insane question. When
you take the responsibility and you’re there every
day, it sinks right in. I would throw myself in front of a
speeding truck to save them. There’s no doubt
about it.
Do your kids have a relationship with their biological dad?
Not really. They know him and know who he is. Of
course, Beckett can’t know anything right now.
But when they ask who daddy
is—boom—we’ll say that’s
who it is.
So he’s not really involved as a parent?
No. A few months ago I was going through books
with Bailey, and 99% of them are about Mommy and
Daddy. And she said, “What’s the
daddy?” And I said, “Well, some people
have a mommy and daddy, some people have two mommies,
some people have two daddies, some people just have one
mommy or one daddy.” And it made perfect sense
to her. I think soon she’ll start to understand
that biologically you have to have a daddy to exist, and
we’ll just deal with that as it comes.
What about your relationship with Julie? Do you ever
wonder if you’re ever going to have sex
again or read a book again or just talk together
like adults for two minutes?
We do sit there at the end of the day and go,
“What did we do with all our spare time before
we had kids?” We must have just piddled it away
because we never knew how much spare time we had.…
There’s a real strong partner vibe there. You
know, maybe the wild sex all day long, all around the
house, is not happening as much.
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Miles has contributed to Wired and is working on a
book about Silicon Valley. She is the mother of a
10-year-old girl.