Gay senior Robert
Harkabus hid from view when he was younger and has to
fight to be seen now.
LGBT people have
had a lot of practice being invisible. For gays like me,
who came of age in the 1940s and ’50s, the straight
world was a place where we had to stay hidden. Society
was much more repressive than it is today, and either
people were more naive or they just wouldn’t talk of
certain things.
I obeyed the
dictates of society, family, and community and remained
invisible. My gay identity was not apparent to my family (or
were they just being kind?). At my workplace I avoided
prolonged eye contact with other men who I suspected
were in the same boat I was confined to. While I
talked about my occasional “straight” date, I
imagined how wonderful it would be to work at a place
where everyone was gay. Even at my church I was hidden
-- though I suspected God knew -- and I stayed that way
through my eventual marriage and parenthood.
When I was 55, my
divorce set me free, and I embraced the gay world. I
thought I would finally be seen -- only now I found myself
invisible because of my age. This was and is a gay
thing. Although we’re intelligent, informed,
and attractive, older people become unseen by the eyes
of a younger age group. Granted, the reverse is also true:
When seniors talk about their aches and pains and
pills, we can’t be surprised that young,
healthy people become invisible -- as fast as they can.
But take it from
this older gay man: You don’t die after you turn 40
-- or 70, for that matter. Life goes on and in a lot
of ways gets better. Today, I can be who I really am.
I don’t have to reside in a strictly LGBT
community, but I can if I choose to. I can be welcomed in
the workplace, in many churches and homes, and even in
politics. I can have an established support system of
LGBT friends and family. It’s not perfect, but
what is?
It’s
frustrating that my experiences and those of guys like me
are disregarded. In gay films, if we’re
pictured at all, we tend to be “that sad old
queen.” But that’s just not how it is. In our
60s, 70s, and beyond, we live, love, and laugh as well
as vote, march, and make decisions. Best of all,
we’re starting to see gay retirement communities
where we can live while we’re doing it. Imagine
facing retirement in a facility that does not respect
your sexual identity.
It is possible to
extend our gay family past the age barriers. Common
causes like pride parades tend to wipe away age differences
at least for a little while. Lobbying for needed
legislation to protect our rights also unites us. And
the rest of the time, older LGBT people can set an
example. Today, I have choices that I never had before. I
choose to live in the mainstream community because I
can interact with and educate those less enlightened.
I can show my fellow gay citizens that older men still
contribute to our progress—because I refuse to spend
my gay retirement waiting for the grim reaper, and I
won’t be invisible
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