The old adage
about raising children takes on new meaning as the kids of
gay and lesbian families grow up with a plethora of both
biological and alternative parents. Chloé Harris
looks at how queerspawn and their pioneering parents
are redefining the American family.
Rosie and Amy*
live on an idyllic residential street typical of West
Hollywood. The couple’s 1920s Spanish Revival abode
is the only home their children (Dan, 8, and Anne, 5)
have ever known, and it looks pretty much like every
other house on the block. With a white stucco facade and
low terra-cotta roof, the home faces onto a manicured lawn.
To one side a narrow driveway feeds into a private
patio in back -- ideal for family dinners -- and a
makeshift basketball court supplies hours of
entertainment for the energetic kids.
If it all sounds
like a high-def screen grab from a commercial for the
happy, normal (queer) American family, it is. After nearly
10 years together Rosie and Amy are like any couple
raising kids: They take turns packing lunch boxes and
volunteering at the annual school picnic. They’ve
also survived “in sickness and in health” to
the extreme -- last year Rosie endured a kidney
transplant. For nearly three years before Rosie’s
surgery, the children’s drawings had depicted a
bleak, albeit rainbow-hued, scene: Amy was usually
wielding pots and pans while Rosie lay in a
Crayola-colored sickbed. These days Rosie’s on the
mend and shooting hoops with her kids.

Chris and Jeffrey Hietikko-Parsons with biological mom
Jessica Yorba-Mondt
With any good
story comes a plot twist. In Rosie and Amy’s tale, it
lies at the end of the aforementioned driveway. The
charming two-bedroom, two-bath guesthouse is home to
the children’s biological father, Rob, and --
two nights a week -- to the children themselves. p
While this
three-parent clan may disturb the conventional picture of
American family life, it’s by no means unusual. In
fact, Rosie, Amy, and Rob just might be the Cleavers
of an emerging family paradigm.
In case you
haven’t noticed, we’re in the midst of a gay
and lesbian baby boom. Sure, lesbians have
increasingly been in the business of making babies
since the first such boom in the 1980s. It’s been
estimated that by the year 2000, at least 23% of
lesbian households were raising children. Gay men,
however, have been slower to settle down and raise a
brood. Whether the lag is due to reproductive hurdles,
difficult adoption processes and costly alternatives,
or just maybe a hesitancy to trade Bear Week for
Family Week, statistics show that’s all changing:
With more than 15% of male couples raising kids, gay
dads are the new bear daddies.

The Hietikko-Parsons clan at the time of Henry's birth.
Barring
immaculate conception, there is no escaping the fact that
same-sex couples can’t have biological offspring
without at least preliminary help from a third parent.
This third parent could be a surrogate mother, a sperm
donor father, or an ex-partner from a previous
heterosexual relationship. Whatever their method, same-sex
couples are forming relationships and building
families with these biological third parties, and as
the “gayby” boom grows up, these extended
families guarantee that the
“homonormative” family nucleus -- i.e., the
two-mom or two-dad “we’re just like
you” model that’s frequently presented to
mainstream culture -- is not now and will likely never be
the norm in gay society.
Actually, the
same could be said for the archetypal heterosexual family:
With an ever-rising divorce rate among straight married
couples, nearly 40% of all American children under 18
do not live with both biological parents. Straight or
gay, conventional or alternative, it’s clear that
the American family is a growing and changing breed. Kids of
queer families may have the advantage: An extra parent
(or two or three or four) to fall back on in times of
need, not to mention an inherently creative
perspective on the definition of family.
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*To protect privacy, some names have been changed
and some families not pictured.