As Bravo launches
the queerest season of Project Runway—is that
redundant?—we launch a brand-new weekly recap column
that captures the wholesome camaraderie and chivalry
of the show. (Kidding!)
Before we talk
about Project Runway, you should know that I
didn’t watch the final cut on actual TV on Wednesday.
I’m a totally important cultural critic now, and I
got an advance rough cut DVD, so if I mention stuff
that you didn’t see, then it’s because of
that. It probably got cut.
I also think
it’s really important that you know how much actual
fashion credibility I have. That would be none. I am
currently wearing the following items:
- 1 pair of seven-year-old Doc Martens, paint
splattered and nearly destroyed. Two holes in
the sides of the right boot.
- 1 pair of Levi’s shrink-to-fit 501s.
Shredded hem on the left leg.
- 1 pair of gray Fruit-of-the-Loom boxer briefs.
- 1 black T-shirt repping the metal band High on
Fire. The logo is of a Viking guy with a giant
ax. Soon he will chop off your head.
But I have
opinions about clothes. Most menswear is boring, so
women’s is where it’s at if
you’re talking about things being rad to look at.
Here are some things that are rad:
1. Viktor &
Rolf’s pink-and-orange ribbon-patterned silk scarves
that I saw online this morning at Papermag.com. If I
were a fancy lady instead of a 265-pound man,
I’d wrap one around my head. I might still wrap one
around my head.
2. My friend
Aaron’s new wallet from Assume Vivid Astro Focus for
LeSportsac because it’s crazy shiny and retarded.
3. The
midnight-blue-satin vinyl rose sandals from Roger Vivier on
the back page of July’s Vogue because
they have giant red plastic flowers on them. And
because they’re $1,495, a silly, silly amount
of money for a pair of shoes.
As it stands now,
Project Runway is the most gay-intensive
program on TV in terms of actual homosexuals featured per
square inch of screen, not counting the Isaac Mizrahi show.
There’s only one of him there, even if he
counts as four. You still get more practical faggotry
on Runway. And unlike American Idol, which is
really all about packaging a star, Runway is
about grown-ups with a talent for creating something.
So let’s talk shit about the new contestants
from the first half of the two-hour season opener.
The auditions,
much like those for American Idol, are
seam-busting with out-of-control lunatics and drama queens.
They bring back season 2 people like boring Chloe, who
somehow won that shit, the extravagantly obnoxious and
yet still awesome Santino, who’s seen
throat-groaning like a Gyuto monk and wearing a T-shirt with
his own face on it (I want one of those too. My face
is sculptural and would look great silk-screened), and
Jay McCarroll, the season 1 winner who’s lost
weight. He still looks OK, though. Then there’s
Austin Scarlett, flouncier than ever with his
YSL-babies glasses, designing wedding gowns for
Kenneth Cole.
The ones that got
picked:
Bradley Baumkirchner—he’s got the best
sketches. They remind me of Amy Davis’s (see her
stuff at www.amydavis.com because I like her a
lot) and his clothes look at least as cool as the guitar
straps from Built by Wendy, and that’s really
the standard, I think. If your shit can’t look
as awesome as the BBW guitar straps, then you can get out of
my face with your dumb clothes.
Robert Best—makes outfits for Barbie, so I
automatically dislike him. That shit’s boring. And
he’s got Gay Arm. Two of them.
Laura Bennett—automatically makes you think
of Wendy Pepper from season 1, except she seems not stupid.
But then again, check out the new improved Wendy
Pepper. Divorced, new hair, slimmed down, and
unfrumped. Probably still a pain in the ass, though. As
for Laura, she seems like the kind of glamour-mom who reads D.V. for inspiration on the toilet.
Malan Breton (above)—a bitch. Full of
himself. Possibly fake British accent. The kind of
homo—well, I mean, if he’s not a fag,
then we’re all living in Crazy Backwards
Land—who won’t even go to Beige a lot
because he thinks he’s A+ list instead of just
plain old A, you can just tell. Snooty, awful, and
mean-faced. So he should stick around for a long time
because I like my gays to be evil.
Bonnie Dominguez—best quote: “I got to
work with Serena Williams designing her tennis
outfits, which was always an interesting
experience.”
Now see if you
can fill in the blank with what she says next:
(a) Because she
fancies herself a bit of a designer, so I always had to
make it seem like my ideas were her ideas.
(b) Because Venus
paid me to make Serena’s clothes look ridiculous.
(c) Because she
had a penis.
The true answer
is (a), but...
Click here to follow The Advocate on Twitter.
Page 1 of 3
Dave White is the author of Exile in Guyville, a book in which he fruitlessly searches for a
Commes des Garçons shirt with a 19-inch neck. He
can be found at imdavewhite.com.