"I Want to See Your Legs"

Wow, the people who make this show are already giving me the whiplash of confusion. All my opinions about the contestants have changed after watching this second episode. Except for Tim Gunn. I will always love you, Tim Gunn.

But first let's talk about me. As with last week's recap, I believe it's very important that you know what I'm wearing while I write and also what I believe about fashion things this week. Because if you don't care about that, then we're not down, you and me.

My Recapping Outfit: Instead of the silvery women's Balenciaga cape I just saw Andre Leon Talley photographed in—because he can, that's why—I am wearing a red T-shirt from Kreuz Market (it's this mind-bogglingly excellent ribs place in Lockhart, Texas, a little bit up the road from Stinky Hippieville, I mean, Austin). I also have on some chocolate-brown Dickies covering some very full-cut blue grandpa boxer shorts that you can pretty much only get from Neiman Marcus because every other stupid store on the planet cuts things for men with no meat on their asses and thighs anymore, and some new brown Converse Chuck Taylors. Black socks. I look really good.

And now for the three fashion things I think are awesome this week:

1. Jeremy Scott's bangle bracelets that are shaped like huge frosted donuts. Someone tell me where I can buy one. I just want to have it on my desk.

2. The T-shirt I saw on a woman in Madrid last week (yeah, I was for-real there, visiting all 3,000 members of my partner's extended family). She was chunky and had giant boobs, and her shirt said “Quieres Mirar.” (English = “You want to look.”)

3. No one is making better dresses than Costello Tagliapietra (it's two guys, not one) right now. Check them out at www.JCRT.net. If they made menswear, I'd puke my way into one of their creations, pronto.

OK, the show:

The opening credits: I didn't see them last week because I was watching a rough cut DVD from Bravo and I guess they weren't ready yet. Anyway, this week I finally get to see them, and I just want to say that if someone didn't put Jeffrey up to saying “I got mad skillz!” and he just popped out with that all by himself, then he's got a brain tumor. And P.S., I called him Jeffrey Tattoo Neck last week because he has DETROIT tattooed on his neck, but I just now figured out that he's got CHRIST inked on his hand. So his new name from now on in this recap will be Jeffrey Christ. It just sounds more important a name than Jeffrey Detroit, don't you think? Then you see Malan the Evil Gay saying “I'm better than they are.” The only thing that would make that sentence more incredible would be if he were holding a white Persian cat with emerald-green eyes and softly stroking its fur. Or if he had a laser. Or if he had a white Persian cat that shot lasers from its emerald-green eyes.

Like I said, everything's gone all rug-pulley-out-from-under-me this week. The bad are good and the good are bad. The insane are still insane, but Michael Kors has gone missing and the judges have lost their way. Unlike the first episode, where it seemed like they just focused on the guys, the women get their personalities a little more fleshed out tonight.

The rooms the contestants had to destroy last week to make their outfits are back to normal. Or else they all moved into new apartments at Atlas New York. No one's saying. But it's all pretty-pretty again this week with the living environment. Now, the way most reality shows work is that if you get axed early on, you pretty much get a free hotel room for several weeks until the show eventually airs so that the folks back in Ann Arbor who know you are kept in the dark as to whether you won. You go home when everyone else goes home. You don't really have to pack your bags and leave when Heidi says “You [sic] out.” So in my fantasy, Stacey Estrella—last week's choppee—has to go live in the ripped-to-shreds apartment. And one by one the place gets filled up with human discards, all sleeping on twin beds that are just coils and tatters.