This week's
Project Runway was brought to you by the
Empire State Building and the letter b for boring
I'm back with the
same group of gays and straight women as last week to
watch the show. We all still applaud Malan when he pops up
in the credits. A contest has started to decipher the
tattoos on Jeffrey's neck. I've tried and tried and
all I can get is "Detroit." There's small lettering
under Detroit and more big lettering to the left of
Detroit.
Here are some the
best guesses offered by the group:
* "So yesterday,
so yesterday"
* other towns in
Michigan
* the lyrics to
"Baby Got Back"
* "Don't forget
to mention Aaron's wallet this week." (Which prompts a
discussion about Aaron's Assume Vivid Astro Focus wallet.
People want to see it and play with the Velcro and learn
about the wallet's spending adventures. Oh, yes,
there's a Velcro closure. This is a no-fear wallet.)
Oh, and by the
way, the answer to last week's quiz is, as you may have
guessed, the statement made by Robert Gay Arms about On a
Clear Day You Can See Forever. He's got a lot
of gay in him—more than a Falcon video, which
occasionally feature gay-for-pay performers, and
clearly more than Lance Bass, who described himself in
his People coming-out interview as a "SAG: a
straight-acting gay."
Yes, he really
said that.
I'm going to let
go of the part where I tell you what I'm wearing because
it's embarrassing. Last week I was in my underwear. Right
now it's blue plaid pajama bottoms and an Avon Breast
Cancer Walk T-shirt. And I've got gross zit cream on
my face. I'm not ready for anyone's runway. But I
promise that if I end up wearing something awesome while I
write, I'll bring it up.
I do, however,
maintain rigorously correct opinions about everything
fashion, and here are this week's selections:
1. My friend
Shannon is wearing an outstanding June Cleaver dress by
Isaac Mizrahi for Target while we watch the show. It's
flowery all over, and she's taken the crinoline out to
make the skirt less poofy. She brought homemade cheese
scones for the group.
2. I saw this
really perfect gown by Rodarte in one of the magazines
recently. I forget which one. It was floor-to-neck
dress-length vertical ruffle, so the model looked like
a very pretty accordion.
3. Check out page
98 of the latest issue Tokion magazine and groove to
the girl wearing the wicker cardigan by Belgian
designer Walter Van Beirendonck. Wicker.
OK,
the show:
Bonnie Who Outfitted Serena Williams Whether Anyone Liked It
or Not, and Uli, Heidi's German Pet, wake up, and Uli
immediately begins dissing Angela, the YSL Copier.
That's what's so admirable about Germans: They make
every minute of the day count. Cut to Angela wearing what
appears to be a saggy, flowery, adult diaper. Is
Depends making skirts now? She probably thinks she's
daring like Björk.
Cut to Jeffrey
Christ, who says that he's feeling misunderstood. Join the
club, Jeffrey, you've inspired a contest in a house of
people who don't understand a thing about your neck.
Jeffrey understands Keith Michael Who's Winning More
Enemies Than Friends Lately, though. He says that
Keith's "greatest attribute is that he's a fine, fine
bullshitter."
Cut to the
runway. Heidi is explaining this week's challenge. Design an
outfit for INC. INC is Macy's store line. Macy's is the big
sponsor of the show. Part of the deal is some free
labor. Anyway, have you ever seen INC clothes? They're
pretty lame most of the time, so it's bread and butter
for Macy's. Jeffrey nods his head happily. Why is he doing
that? Does this sound like good news to him? He makes
clothes that look like someone just set them on fire.
Not that that's a problem for me. I think his stuff is
good. But none of his ideas are going to fly with INC. Cut
to a very happy Kayne the Flaming Lisp.
He's been dipping
into the absent Michael Kors's jar of orange. Loved you
in Drop Dead Fred, man.
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Dave White is the author of Exile In Guyville,
a book where fashion takes a backseat to
pancakes. Find him at www.imdavewhite.com.