"I don't like you tonight"

Time to go from 24 to 12. This week four will lose the will to live, your lack of votes returning them to their former state of fame-deprivation, possibly for the rest of their lives. The other 20 will then pretend they never knew those guys. And there are three episodes this week, one for the men, one for the women, and one for Fantasia to guest-star and sing on so she can plug that new CD that you, America, all of you, have failed to go out and purchase in numbers necessary to guarantee she remain more successful than Ruben Studdard.

Tuesday: The men sing badly…

I'm finally going to give you their complete names and ages as well as their little press-release bio (that'll be in italics so you know I didn't write it) and anything else I can pick from the weird publicity buffet that is each contestant's “personality reel.” I have no idea what the actual TV name is for the little get-to-know-them clips they show before each person sings, so that's my name for them for the duration of the season. It's where they highlight one thing about the person's life and emphasize it, no matter how insignificant it is to their actual existence outside the show, and then they make that the one thing you'll take away from watching that particular contestant. This one's got a baby, this one's shy, this one won't put on a frigging pair of shoes…

Seacrest introduces the judges. Randy's got on a giant silver crucifix and a paisley blouse. Paula's hair makes her look like a tiny little Kip Winger, and Simon is dressed in black like he always is, massaging his own neck, with that stupid hedgehog haircut he refuses to change. Paula, even with her should-be-fired stylist's regular serving of awful choices, consistently comes off looking better than either of them.

Anyway, first up is:

1. Rudy Cardenas (28) -- Currently lives in North Hollywood, CA, but grew up in Denver, CO. Cardenas was born in Venezuela and has a Bachelor of Music in Vocal Performance from the University of Northern Colorado. The most memorable thing I learn about him from his personality reel is that he eats a lot of ramen. He kicks it off with “Free Ride.” He's wearing a T-shirt with a bull's-eye on it, which will help when the animal control people come in with tranquilizer guns, and he sings like an alternate universe Steve Perry with a serious aversion to consonants. It goes something like, “the moun' ain is 'igh, the (v)alley is 'ow…” and it's completely awful, but that doesn't stop Paula from telling him he's “fantastic.” Randy and Simon disagree and tell the truth. For his part, Rudy thinks everyone listening to him had as great a time as he did singing. And if you read these recaps last season, you may remember my fond wish for a future technology that would allow me to reach inside a TV screen and smack the most deserving person. I still wish for it, and in this moment it would come in very handy so I could let Rudy know that he's wrong about what kind of time I just had.

I'll get to the other people in a second, but I decided to watch all the commercials too, because even though I have TiVo and I don't have to watch them, I'm still super-fascinated by the new Sandra Bullock movie coming out about time travel and preventing someone's death, which is totally different than the Sandra Bullock movie from last year about time travel and a mailbox and making out with Keanu Reeves in the…future, was it? Maybe the past. I forget. Anyway, this movie is coming very soon, as is the series finale of The O.C. I think I might watch it even if that show never did live up to it's threegie-having, coke-snorting pilot where one of the main guys uttered the all-time-great character-establishing line, “Suck it, queer.”

Back in Coca-Cola Lounge, where Seacrest pretends to chill with the 11 men yet to bite it on live national television, Chris Sligh of the Chubby Little Hands, the one contestant on this show to ever make it this far and still retain a sense of smirky, ironic detachment from the proceedings, makes an ironically detached and smirky comment about how all the men look so pretty tonight. This puts the ball in Seacrest's court, and because he's constantly threatened by any hint that he might not be all about the ladies, he drops that ball and says, “I'm glad you're on that [other] couch.” Strangely, however, for Seacrest, this places him squarely in Type 2 Gay territory [a concept I explained in last week's recap, one that posits four varieties of gay, Type 2 being synonymous with something really lame and stupid--go back to last week's installment, archived here, and find it; I have a lot of work to do and I can't be repeating myself all the time for latecomers].

2. Brandon Rogers (29) -- From North Hollywood, CA, but spent six years in Dallas. Rogers has been singing for as long as he can remember. He works as a voice coach, wedding singer, and background singer. His mother is a published songwriter. He's toured with Timberlake and Christina Aguilera, and he's got a baby with Usher. Kidding. He sings “Rock With You,” and you can tell he's nervous, but who cares, that's no excuse. And his jeans are dumb, all whitewashed down the front. He's off-key and he oversings. But, much like Chris Sligh just said, he's pretty. That still kind of counts when everything else is going down the toilet.

3. Sundance Head (28) -- Currently lives in Porter, TX, and is the son of Roy Head (who had a No. 1 song in 1965, "Treat Her Right"). His life has been centered around music and he can play five instruments. Meanwhile, his pointy goatee always finds magnetic north. They cut back to his audition, where he sang “Stormy Monday” and made everyone love him. It's a visual clue to what he's about to do with his dumb hands. He's a hands-singer, always holding them out to the audience, kind of like how Taylor Hicks used to do when he had to slow it down and not monkey-dance all over the place. Hicks became The Waiter, offering dopiness as refreshment. Well, Sundancehead (that's the one-word version of his name that the residents of this particular Idol-watching household have adopted) has decided to fuck up “Nights in White Satin” tonight and present a dessert menu of sharp and flat notes. Worst of all, none of this bothers me as much as the hair gel. If I could vote against that gel, I would. The judges express disappointment. Simon says, “I don't like you tonight.” Sundancehead is dejected. He looks like he might cry. Poor Sundancehead.

4. Paul Kim (25) -- Currently lives in Saratoga, CA, and is working as a pool maintenance technician. He grew up with a love of soul music and enjoys gardening. Unfortunately, he doesn't love shoes, and I don't love that. I know that for some people, being barefoot makes them feel free or whatever, but fuck them. Dirty, uncared-for feet are the scourge of this formerly great nation. Everyone's wearing stupid sandals all the time, putting toe rings on, making me miserable. Put on shoes, people, because unless you're a foot model and you can legitimately lay claim to objectively beautiful feet, you probably don't deserve to expose them to the public. And of course he sings “Careless Whisper,” just so he can sing the line “guilty feet have got no rhythm” and point to his cold bare toes. What a tool. And oh, check it out, he ruins the falsetto high note too. Dang, this sucks. The judges all hate it, and Seacrest comes back onto the stage, showing off his own freakishly long skateboard feet. I need some antinausea medicine right now.

5. Chris Richardson (22) -- Currently lives in Chesapeake, VA, and is a supervisor at a restaurant. He was born in Belgium into a military family and performs at local clubs. He's very bouncy while he yell-sings a bad Gavin Degraw song. But he's got a cuddly hip-hop honky vibe about him. Randy and Paula think it's fantastic. Simon calls it a bad vocal and he's right.

6. Nick Pedro (25) -- Currently lives in Taunton, MA, and made it to Hollywood last season. Pedro has performed at talent shows and is an account executive. His personality reel explains that he was too dumb to learn the lyrics to last year's song during the group round of Hollywood week and so he voluntarily dropped out in shame. But now that he's back he's ready to be wicked awesome! I have no idea what song he's singing this week. Not that it matters, because it sucks. Seriously, we've gone through six guys and they've all crapped all over everything and the best thing the judges can usually say is that they all were so good during the original auditions. Simon, however, thinks he was decent. So yeah, buckets of crazy and awful are just pouring over everything tonight.

7. Blake Lewis (25) -- Currently lives in Bothell, WA, and began "beat boxing" in his senior year of high school. Lewis was a member of a youth choir group that traveled to Europe. This is Beatbox Boy. And he reads gayer and gayer all the time to me. The spiky hair is gone, replaced by a Morrissey-ish super-coif, he's singing Keane's “Somewhere Only We Know,” and he's not only ruining the high notes but he's smiling all the way through what is a desperately sad song. And he holds the microphone like it's a penis he hates. But he's little and cute and vanilla cookie-ish like a human snickerdoodle. And who doesn't love those?

Commercial Time: Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? premieres next week. I will absolutely be watching that show. Because I totally am way smarter than a fifth grader and I will beat up any fifth grader who says otherwise.

8. Sanjaya Malakar (17) -- Currently lives in Federal Way, WA, and comes from a family of singers. He spent four years in Hawaii performing with the Hawaii Children's Theater. He just got his GED. Why? What was that about? Explain that to me. You're 17. Why not just be in high school? I'm sitting watching this episode with people who think GED is code for “gay,” as in “I got the shit beaten out of me in high school because I am that much of a soft boy.” Even Paula calls him a “sweet soul.” I don't know what this kid is, but I do know that watching him made me think of Phoebe Snow singing “Poetry Man” on an episode of Midnight Special. Except Phoebe Snow would shoot herself in the face if she were ever this dull. Simon calls it “dreary” but says that America will like Sanjaya's hair. “Oh, thank you!” snaps the young Malakar, “I'm sure they'll like yours too.” So…um…OK…yeah…this kid is probably on our team.