Lisa Lampanelli Will F**k You Up
BY Greg Archer
February 11 2009 12:00 AM ET
Oh my. Well, what about women? No. I wish I was [interested], because I get hit
on by so much hotter women than the guys who hit on
me. So, if I was going to jump onto the tuna boat, at
least I have a good catch. But sadly, I am not attracted to
Why do you think your gay fans dig you? Because they hate themselves so much.
[Laughs] But I think the community likes me
because I am sort of like a big giant drag queen. And
I think you all think I use duct tape to get dressed. You
guys really do. You see the big tits and the big hair
-- they think I am one of them. Gay guys like that.
And also, gay guys do have extreme self-love or
self-hate, so in my show, that self-hate works because they
think they deserve to be called cornholes. But if they
have self-love, they’re like, “Wow,
she’s just kidding. She really loves us.”
[Sighs] Either way, the faggots flock to me.
Thank you, Jesus! And that’s the Jesus, by the
way, that’s sending you all to hell.
Are you very spiritual? Oh yes, I am. I get on my knees every night.
I thought so. The thing is, in the dating profiles it says
“spiritual,” but not with a specific
religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a
very hard time concentrating on things other than me. So if
the cunt in meditation class will play a tape of my
stand-up, I can mediate to it, but if there’s
some monk moaning, I don’t want to hear that. So I
don’t mediate. I do feel like I make the world
a better place, and if that isn’t spiritual,
dammit, I don’t know what is.
You must be excited about our new president. Well, I used to be until I found out what a
supreme racist Obama is. Uh, have you noticed? He has
a black wife. What the fuck is that shit? Basically,
he should date me, because I am a white chick with a big
ass. Unfortunately I have a black couch, and if he
were on it he would blend in and I wouldn’t see
So you would do him? No. He’s a married man and I don’t
cheat. I am not a home-wrecker, you faggot! I keep it
on the down low.
Maybe it’s time for me to settle down too. Yeah. How old are you?
Forty. Yeah, it’s about time, faggot.