Lisa Lampanelli Will F**k You Up

You think? Uh, hello! You’re just being a whore! And
don’t be a big fuckin’ codependent. Did
your father hate you?

He’s dead. Oh God!

Yeah. Thank you very much. No problem. Better to have a dead father than a
father that hates you for sucking dick, right?

Right. I am very astute.

What are you most excited about these days? Well, I must tell you and you must already know
… that I am a very big-deal authoress. I have
written my autobiography, which is coming out
September 15, which is called Chocolate Please.
And it details black men I’ve had relationships with.
It kinda reads like Schindler’s List but
with a less happy ending. I am also excited about my
sitcom that I am putting together with Jim Carrey, a
TV series that we’re going to develop for HBO.
They love the pilot script that we submitted, and
eventually, hopefully, we will have a show there. So
cross your fingers, dirty homo. Or cross your nut
sacs.

They already are -- just for you. What are a few
things we don’t know about you? Well, I am generous. What are those people
called? Philanthropists. Yeah. I donate a lot to the
NAACP and the Faggots Save the Gerbil Foundation.
It’s all pretty nice. And I also cry at a lot of
movies. And I also thought Roots was the best
comedy that was ever on TV.

Best advice you’ve been given about life? Well, Cher, ironically. Because I know how you
love Cher…

Eh -- I go in and out. Well, so does she. Now, here’s the deal
with Cher. She said, “I only answer to two
people: God and myself.” And I said, “Wow,
that’s how I am going to live my life.”
So I said, I am going to answer to one person: myself.
Because I am my own god, faggot. OK? I am my own Buddha,
Baby Jesus, and Jew all in one.

It’s true. We have it all inside of us. You gotta
let it all out. What’s the most interesting thing
you’ve learned about yourself lately? Hmm. Good question. Well, let me think. I
don’t learn anything about myself. I went to
rehab for food issues about six months ago, and I
explored things about myself, and pretty much I, like, shut
the door and went, “OK, let’s not learn
anymore! Who cares what happened as a kid. You better
start living now and stop over-eating, you fat dyke!”

I can’t think of a better place to end, but I
have to ask, Do you enjoy being called the female Don
Rickles or Archie Bunker? Absolutely. Because Don Rickles is a very funny
Jew bastard and he’s one of my heroes, and
anytime you are compared to a hero you’re like,
"Wow! I can’t believe I'm mentioned in the same
sentence." And actually, the Archie Bunker thing is
weird -- because my penis is a lot bigger.

I heard it has a lot of girth. Dude -- shaped like a tuna can!