What I Learned From TV This Week

8. That two-week-old male newborns can and should be rightfully represented on the baby beauty pageant circuit. I learned this from watching the season premiere of Toddlers & Tiaras . Unfortunately the little slacker I witnessed needs to have his ass kicked for allowing his two-week-old head -- the one that's half the size of the rest of his body -- to loll around listlessly. How are they going to put the tiny King Baby Mr. Universe crown on your soft-fontanel-having skull if all you're going to do is slump to one side, endlessly crying for the teat? It's called "professionalism," you little wannabe. Learn what it means and put it to use and then you'll get your milk.

9. That Hung -- which is not a terrible show at all, by the way, and occasionally features the awesome Anne Heche -- will always tease its audience. Think about it. Remember the last scene of Boogie Nights ? I do. I went with this straight male friend and his wife to see it on opening night back in 1873 or whenever it opened. This straight male friend thinks talking to gays about penises is hilarious. And he's right... it is, especially if you're a hetero guy and no one ever talks to you about your own dick in a meaningful way. But when we all witnessed Marky Mark's weird, thin, latex-molded dong and then walked out as the credits rolled, he said, "Ever seen anything that big in your life, Davey?" (He always calls me "Davey." Because he's an asshole.) I said, "Yeah. A lot. We got our own porn, you know. Seen bigger than that. They shouldn't have shown that fake-ass thing at all." So unless they fit Thomas Jane with a prosthetic of truly thunderous, elephant-trunk proportions, it ain't never gonna happen.

10. And finally, I didn't learn anything from watching D-List last week, but I want to recap my favorite moment anyway. Now, it's not like I've got this boner for Kathy Griffin, but I have to mention her one more time even though I covered the new season a few columns back. Because on last week's episode when she goes to Miami and tries to fake-buy a house that's way out of her budget and finds out that the owner is such good friends with Nancy Reagan and the late president that the former first lady still regularly sends Jelly Bellies to this unnamed person, Griffin goes off:

"I'd just like to say that 'The Reagan Years' are a fallacy. And to not say the word 'AIDS' for six years? Maybe your legacy isn't so great. So fuck you and your Nancy Reagan-red and your bullshit politics. It got us in the situation we're in today. If I hear one more Republican say, 'I'm bringing back the Reagan era,' then just remember that's the shit you're talking about [that] you're so proud of."

This is awesome not only because she's absolutely right, but because her freaked-out assistants can only nervously laugh and try to cover their boss's mouth with their hands while gay former Major League Baseball player-turned-fancy real estate agent Billy Bean simply skulks off-camera and moves across the room as far away from Griffin as he can possibly get. Frankly, I think that bursting into automatic applause would have been the appropriate response.

That's what I did.