So I’ve been looking for some balance. Some brute masculinity sprinkled on top of Joy Behar’s giant red hair. But I can’t even conceptualize what daytime TV for guys would look like if they even had it. I suppose I could go figure out how to give a shit about sports and watch ESPN all day. But is that all there is to being male and looking at TV? It can’t be. I’d like to think that medical terror and true-crime cold case shows count. I check out plenty of those. As I recently wrote, Monsters Inside Me, the gross, sensationalistic educational program about parasites that live in your brain or colon, is currently must-see TV in my house, but it’s somewhat gender-neutral I suppose. Parasites don’t seem to live within those roles. They live on Addicted to Beauty.

That leaves Cops and Glenn Beck. Cops airs at like 4am on my local station, and TiVo picks it up and I watch it between reruns of The Mighty Boosh and Whatever, Martha! It just started its 20-somethingth season and I love it now as much as I did when it began. Obviously, men in uniforms make me pay attention. It goes against all my punk rock upbringing, but I can’t help it. I respond to that. And guns. I like guns and violence. They’re better than Project Runway any day. And I love Project Runway.

They started out kind of tame-ish this new season. An ownership dispute over a pug with really adorable cataracts was the main focus of the most recent episode. No one got crazy besides the lady in the Confederate flag t-shirt who’d dog-napped the animal thinking it was her long lost “daughter” that her husband had given her when her fallopian tubes were removed. It was just more sad than anything. The pug made some snorty noises.

Which brings me to Glenn Beck. He’s full of angry white male rage, so I think he’s all the balance I need. Yeah, I’m a convert. I mean, not to his insane political opinions. But to his roly-poly preacher/grifter/huckster comedy routine. Seriously, if you can stomach the bullshit, watch him. Just this week alone I learned from Glenn Beck that there are mystery czars working for Obama who think “animals should be able to have lawyers and sue you!” That’s a quote. I like the idea of that pug suing Fox for showing his face without him being able to sign a release form.