4. After you do your first gay
exorcism, walk around announcing “HE HAS BEEN DELIVERED!” to whomever
will listen. -- Tyra, if you’re lucky enough to get booked. If, in fact,
the exorcised person has not quite yet been delivered from the demon,
remind the client that they are still going to Hell. Sorry, thems just
the facts of exorcism.
5. Remind people how much love you have
inside yourself and tell everyone about how you have gay friends. When
someone asks if you actually hang out with these gay friends, keep the
brand tight, lie if you have to, and say, “Yes, Tyra, I do!” If these
particular gay exorcists had been a little more on their game they
would have said that instead of the definitive response they did give,
which was, “No. And I don’t hang out with adulterers, drunkards, and
fornicators, either.”
6. Keep yourself off of syndicated TV shows
where this Kamora person is on the couch with you because she will cut
you down to the quick and make sure the whole world knows that you are,
in actuality, destroying the souls of children with your loony
Bible-thwacking antics. This will cut into your business and keep
clients away. Most business-ruining, though, will be when the show’s
host asks Kamora if she thinks gay exorcisms make you straight, because
that’s when Kamora will snap back, missing no beats, “Do YOU?” Then she
will give you that
I-was-raised-in-the-Bronx-or-some-other-tough-ass-place tilt of the
head that basically means, “Don’t fuck with me. I’m right.” Staying
away from Kamora is essential if you want this scam -- sorry, legitimate
spiritual enterprise -- to work.

Now, think about this. Why would
you want to send the boring old police to your blackmailer when you
could really mess with their minds by sending some exorcists? And
because Letterman is on CBS and Tyra is on the CW (think NBC and
Bravo), there could be tie-in episodes, an ongoing “What will those nutty exorcists do next?” series, mugs, T-shirts, all kinds of fun
merch. So much corporate synergy it’d make your head spin. Like maybe
360 degrees.

Tags: television