8. Modern Family

The gay characters on this show -- a couple with an adopted baby they treat like a Cabbage Patch Doll -- are always upset, always on the verge of tears, always invoking references to blond highlights or Cher, always listening to the Lion King soundtrack, feeling resentful of straight people for perceived slights or snapping at each other about something called “hurtful bubbly.” I’m not mad at the show. It’s just that I don’t get what’s going on with these two.

9. American Chopper

Did you catch this week’s episode of South Park where the kids decide that “fag” is really just another word for a super annoying person or a thing that sucks? For the purposes of this episode, the fags in question are a biker gang who are obnoxiously loud, showy and obsessed with being tough. And in South Park’s defense, the words “fag” and “faggot” are still a lot of fun to say, especially now that we’re all not supposed to do it anymore. My friend Lydia taught me to use as an adjective to describe inanimate objects. (Example: “This faggot stapler won’t work!”) Watching the episode made me think about how American Chopper is starting its sixth season and I’d never bothered to give it a chance. So I finally tuned in. Not a bad show, really. They build bikes and squabble. It’s kind of like a surlier Ace of Cakes. And I would never call any of these guys a fag unless I knew them well and it was clear we were all just having a laugh with English usage.

10. Man Shops Globe

This reality series follows the gay who’s the main buyer of seductively beautiful home objects for the Anthropologie chain of stores. That hand-painted Bulgarian teapot? He probably decided you’d want it a full year before you ever got it into your head that you totally needed it. And I have to say that it’s better to watch someone else shop their ass off on TV than to go do it yourself all damn day long. And it’s an interesting lesson in how certain prime demographics are targeted with fancy bait that makes them think they’re uniquely tasteful and socially conscious. But the big kink in this NPR consumerist jackoff-to-the-point-of-injury fantasy is that the big boss man of Anthropologie (and Urban Outfitters) is a right-wing contributor to gross politicians like Rick Santorum. And I’m okay with him being right wing and giving money to whatever creepy conservative asshole he wants. That’s his choice. I’m not advocating a boycott or anything, even though I don’t plan on giving him any of my own cash. Because boycotts usually don’t work. You’ll never be clean. But now I’ll have to figure out how not to hold it against my teapot.

Tags: television