I like it best at Christmas when rich people give lots of cash and gifts to not-rich people. They should do that, I think, because they just have all that money lying around anyway. So it annoys me when Oprah just decides not to do a “Favorite Things” episode. She’s pulled this one before. And according to official sources, she’s not having one again this year. I hate that. What am I supposed to look at while I’m folding laundry or vacuuming during my afternoon break from writing insightful culture commentary for this site? I tried C-SPAN and it was just a lot of jerks yelling “Objection!” at each other over and over. I need joy, not people in suits being assholes.

Anyway, it’s December. I watch a lot of TV in December. You probably do too, or you wouldn’t be reading a column about stuff on TV. And in spite of my disappointment over not being allowed to watch a studio full of women go out of their minds with greed, I’ve made myself a little Advent calendar of other entertainments to enjoy this month, some of my favorite movies and specials that wind up on TV at the holidays. A few of them are gay or gay-ish, but not many, because the only truly cool gay Christmas-themed movie out there is the early-’70s exploitation film Some of My Best Friends Are. It’s about sad and lonely homosexuals in a bar on Christmas Eve and it’s incredible. I bet that’s not on TV this year either. It’s probably Oprah’s fault.

OK, here’s my list, some of which you may have to catch in reruns. Print it out and you can be just like me:

12/1 - Martha Stewart making a croquembouche with Rachel Maddow on The Martha Stewart Show and Stephen Fry: HIV and Me —  It’s World AIDS Day, and when that rolls around I like to see a gay talking about HIV, preferably a gay I like. And I like Stephen Fry a lot. He’s funny but not annoying, the way you want a funny gay to be. I’ll watch his Sundance Channel special first and then move on to Rachel M. swooning over Martha while Martha pretends not to be annoyed by Rachel’s lack of kitchen skills.

12/2 - Whatever, Martha: I promise this is the last of the Martha recs for the month. She goes on her daughter’s show to allow for some self-mockery on an episode titled “Spice-Rubbed Turkey.” Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is on tonight too. This viewing calender is turning gayer than I expected, actually. Because that blond elf with dentistry dreams is kind of a fag.

12/3 - Ebbie: This is the Christmas Carol that stars Susan Lucci. I’ve never seen it. Some homosexual told me I should watch it. I don’t much care about Susan Lucci but I do enjoy how the Ghost of Christmas Present is always some big bear-like dude. After that, the Travel Channel has a special on called Christmas to the Extreme about people who decorate their homes for Santa 365 days a year or something. People you want as neighbors, really, because they’re going to make homemade gingerbread for you all year long.

Tags: television