8. Metalocalypse — My #1 favorite TV show. Funniest, most intricately detailed animated series on the air, full of jokes you won’t get unless you listen to Burzum, and songs in each episode like Josie and the Pussycats used to have (except these songs have titles like “Bloodrocuted”). I also want to have sex with Nathan Explosion even though he’s a cartoon. They’re a Partridge Family of doom.

9. Hoarders — Sometimes your life spirals out of control. And you wind up with 12-year-old rotting pumpkins in your garage or the corpses of old pets under the sofa. I’d call this show entertaining exploitation if it didn’t genuinely take my breath away with its harrowing sadness week after week. I’m genuinely bummed out for at least an hour after every episode. Then I go clean something.

10. Steven Seagal: Lawman — Conversation with my husband:
Me: “Steven Seagal has been an actual, real cop in Louisiana for 20 years and no one’s been talking about it!”
Him: “That’s because no one’s talked about Steven Seagal at all for 20 years.”
Me: “That’s another example of why this country’s priorities are all out of whack.”

The best moments on this show are when criminals realize that it’s really Steven Seagal slapping the cuffs on them. Then they get disoriented and think they’re just hallucinating about being in the movie Under Siege.

Next time: Worst of ’09. Maybe we’ll talk about Jon and Kate then.

Tags: television