No Big Whoop

But from the energy of
the largely gay crowd outside the theater, I sensed something
was amiss the moment my boyfriend Nick and I arrived on the
scene. As we got closer, we spotted sheets of crisp white paper
taped to the front doors with the following notice: "Due
to illness, the part of Aretha, played by Whoopi Goldberg, will
be performed by Lisa Estridge."

"I was dreading
that," groaned Nick, who knew that Goldberg had been out
sick from
The View

that morning. "Dreading. That works on two levels because
Whoopi has dreadlocks. See what I did there?" But with the
immediate threat of rioting on West 43rd Street, there was no
time to congratulate him on his wordplay. Then, all of a
sudden, the crowd's mood seemed to shift, thanks to the
close proximity of other celebrities. Just moments before the
show began, Parker Posey breezed past Michael Kors and
Law & Order: SVU

's Richard Belzer. It was a veritable who's who of local
notables that regularly attend one-night theatrical
benefits.

As luck would have it,
the seats behind ours were occupied by Statler and Waldorf, the
elderly hecklers from
The Muppet Show

-- if Statler and Waldorf were gay, horny, and wore turquoise
jewelry. There were actually many such Muppets scattered
throughout the audience, but the two behind me were the only
ones I could hear. And smell, thanks to liberal applications of
Aramis for Men.

Currently appearing in
Broadway's
Blithe Spirit

alongside Angela Lansbury and Rupert Everett, Tony-winner
Christine Ebersole took the stage first to make a formal
announcement about Goldberg's absence. Quieting those who had
neglected to read the door signage, Ebersole encouraged the
crowd to be supportive of Estridge, who had been Goldberg's
rehearsal stand-in. "Isn't this how it starts?"
she asked. "Shirley MacLaine and all that?" Ebersole
knew her audience; it was one of the few rooms in town where
you could kill with a
Pajama Game

reference.

Lesbian author Fran
Lebowitz appeared next and positioned herself on a stool to
fulfill the show's narration duties with her signature dry,
deliberate delivery.
Mad Men

's Bryan Batt soon entered to much applause as smarmy
theater producer Martin Klemmer. We learned that Martin hoped
to bring Sylvia and Leatrice together in
Legends!

the play-within-a-play, with the financial backing of -- Brad
Pitt? Yes, it immediately became apparent that Epperson's
idea of an "adaptation" actually meant "drastic
pop-cultural update." Therefore, those hoping to hear what
1986 audiences heard were out of luck; instead, the new script
contained wisecracks about the likes of Ann Coulter, Anna
Nicole Smith, and Sally Field's Boniva commercials.