Keeping It Fresh
BY Baz Hawkins
August 19 2009 12:00 AM ET
Wow, you’re a spitfire. Audiences must have a blast at your show.Not everybody. I’ve had one or two people take one look at me, fold their arms, and shut down without giving me a chance. I could be selling little slices of heaven and they wouldn’t want none of it, know what I mean? I just don’t get that; it makes me want to beat people in the face. As I see it, no one is so above their raising that they shouldn’t give someone else a chance. Just ‘cause some six-and-a-half-foot tall -- I’m counting my hair -- redheaded Southern she-devil gets in your face and starts smiling and hollering doesn’t mean you have to be all uppity. In one city there was a woman who had never even seen the show determine that I violated some obscenity laws and got the city attorney to try to shut me down. Well, let me tell you, when he came to see the performance for himself he laughed his friggin’ ass off, and told all his “mature” friends to come see me. Sorry, can I say friggin’?
So what is your favorite piece of Tupperware?There’s so many it’s hard to pick. I love my can opener, item #1289; it’s sweeter than poop on a stick if you ask me. My Jell-O shot caddy, item #787, has made me the most popular mom on the block. And the E-series corkscrew, item #1254, just lives in my car; so handy when you get stuck in traffic.
And with everyone going green, is Tupperware good for the environment?Of course it is, because unlike all those other disposable plastics, you don’t throw away Tupperware; it lasts forever. Your grandmother probably still has her Tupperware from when she was a young bride, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get it when she dies. Plus there is a lifetime warranty, so if something happens to your Tupperware, you can get it replaced for free -- not if you set it on the stove and melt it like a stupid jackass -- but if it cracks, chips, peels, or breaks, your local Tupperware rep will take care of replacing it for you.
Have you done a lot of Tupperware parties for the gays?I’ve done one or two, but surprisingly, although the homosecticles always smell real good and dress so nice, they don’t buy as much of my plastic crap as I would like. But they’re fun to party with. It’s strange, gay men are so into name brands, but a lot of times they’ll lift their noses at Tupperware, thinking it’s not sophisticated enough. Tupperware has been in business for 60-plus years, and is still going strong. They’re constantly reinventing themselves, like that Madonna. Let me tell you something, I challenge anyone to find a product as amazingly technicological that has withstood the test of time, and comes with a lifetime warranty. Prada wouldn’t do that with your shoes.
What about lesbians? They seem like they’d want to be prepared for any food storage emergency.Well, my parole officer was one, and this gal who was my bunkmate in prison. I’ve had a couple of lesbian Tupperware parties, and let me tell you, aside from the “no men” thing, which is a little confusing to me, they have been lots of fun. Word on the street is that they don’t use much of it in the kitchen. Obviously, we have a lot of stuff designed for food storage and preparations, but you can use it in any room of the house. I have a collection of modular mates, item #164, that I store under the bed, filled with accessories that get my no-no patch all excited and start the weekends jumpin’.