The Rivers (Still) Wild

The queen of the red carpet, Joan Rivers, talks about the state of the world while on tour for her one-woman show in Europe.

BY Greg Archer

August 25 2008 12:00 AM ET

Joan Rivers older (Getty) | Advocate.com  

Z Rocklooks fun. How did that come about? I think it’s going to be a hit. I saw the pilot and I said, "I want to be a part of this!" I think, musically, they are terrific, and comedically, they are so insane and outrageous. It’s a real inside peek at what goes on in a rock group. You see the underbelly of the business. I told them, "I won't do one episode. You have to give me a running part." And they said, "You can be Lynne’s aunt, who is in show business, who guides them along." 

So it’s been a good fit? You can ad-lib… And they actually keep some of my ad-libs. But I love that it is very improvisational. I love that you are able to talk about things you are not able to talk about. It has a good spirit to it. It’s sharp. They're adorable. I think that Lynne is going to burst out as a star. And I think that if you're looking for a young, hip, bright, funny irreverent show, here it is. 

Of course, you poke fun at plastic surgery in the show. I poke fun at everything. I hope they keep this other scene...I talk about my mother giving Johnny Carson a blow job. And I pray they kept that in. 

Love it. If you take yourself seriously, you’re a fool. Don’t you understand...that everything is just silly and outrageous and nonsense? And that is what my act is all about. That’s why I am here in Edinburgh.

So, what could the world use more of? Humor. No one ever fired a gun at somebody they were laughing and having a good time with. Humor conquers everything. 

Oprah or Dr. Phil? Oh, Oprah. 

Why? Well, he’s an ass. I’ve heard naughty things about him from people working for him. And when you're nouveau riche, that’s when your true character comes out. And you could print all of that. I could care less. 

Leno or Letterman? I don't watch either. I'm not on them. Go fuck themselves. 

Jon Stewart? I like Jon Stewart. I think he’s very bright. I like bright. I like smart. 

Jimmy Kimmel is fun. I like him. I’ve been on his show. 

Where are you now in the aftermath of the red carpet? We were supposed to do it again for AOL. I think it’s gotten to be a rat fuck. And it’s gotten so boring and everybody looks good and has a stylist and looks the same. When I started it 15 years ago, it was so much fun because people dressed themselves. 

Would you ever do your own sitcom? Oh, sure. But they would never give it to me. Because I am too old. Look at Z Rock. It’s all about 20-year-olds. 

You talk about that in your own show -- aging.Aging sucks. Getting older is horrible! We’re all deflated. Get ready for a very sloppy third act. You look in the mirror and you go, "Who is that?" You look at a picture and say, "That’s my mother!"

There has to be something good about it? Nothing. Nothing! You’re older. People ignore you. You’re invisible. You can’t get as much as work as you used to. You’re friends die…tell me -- what’s good about age? You don’t get wiser. You get senile. 

You don’t get wiser? No. You get stupider. You just don’t know. 

So, what’s the best advice you’ve been given? A friend of mine said it a long time ago: "Put on blinders, like horses wear. Run your own race." And I absolutely listened to that one. I am running my own race. That’s it. 

What’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned about yourself lately? That I really can’t stick on a diet. I am all for dieting until you give me a piece of fruitcake or cake with icing on it. 

Well, when you get something with frosting in front of you-- Please! Can you imagine if I was dieting and I was in the Twin Towers on 9/11? My last thought would have been: "I could have had that Danish!" Fuck the poached eggs. I want eggs Benedict!

Tags: Comedy

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