The Almighty took time out of His busy schedule of being omnipotent
to answer a few eternally burning questions from The Advocate.
Thanks to comedian and author David Javerbaum, who assisted
God in putting pen to paper in a new book — The Last Testament, A Memoir By
God — we don’t have to wait until
Revelation to finally catch up. Javerbaum is the former head writer and
executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and he
is coauthor of the show’s bestsellers America: The Book and Earth:
In their collaboration, which goes on sale today, the creator
of heaven and earth is finally ready to break His silence on what we’ve gotten
wrong all these years and, more importantly, which celebrities are still hiding
in the closet.
The Advocate: The
guy who lives in the alley behind my apartment says that he gets messages from
You all of the time. What are You two always conferencing about?
CIA-implanted-microchip-related stuff. Also hockey.
It’s been a while since You wrote a book. What prompted The
I wanted to get a few things off my chest before December 21, 2012. Oops!
Verily, that was a spoiler.
You co-wrote the book with David Javerbaum, the former executive producer
and head writer for The Daily Show
who also penned our favorite Tony Awards number ever — “Broadway: Not Just For
Gays Anymore.” As far as collaborators go, is David as good as
I’ve worked with three Davids in my time. One was a king who founded an empire
and wrote immortal psalms. The second was responsible for the deaths of 79
people in a nightmarish inferno in Waco. I would rank this David somewhere in
In Proverbs, You say, “Rejoice not when thine enemy
falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth,” but in the book
you reveal that all of those right-wing Christian conservatives were wrong.
Adam and Steve were, in fact, the first couple. Can’t we have this one
I was not aware the gay community needed another excuse to throw a party.
You also set the record straight on Sodom and Gomorrah. Can You give
us a tease?
Sodom and Gomorrah were the perpetrators of the biggest shekel-laundering
scheme of all-time. That is why I destroyed them, not for the sodomy. Lo,
Gomorrah had no gay scene to speak of, save for one small nightclub, The Fire
You have a Twitter account. Seems like you’ve come a long way since
sending angels or stone tablets.
Yea, Twitter is much more convenient than angels or tablets. If it had been
around for the Ten Commandments, I definitely would have tweeted them unto the
Jews. It would have spared Moses a hernia.
You out a lot of people in this book. For example, what
does Joel Osteen say in the “secret recesses of his heart” that gives him away?
Actually, the biggest issue Joel Osteen is in denial about is not that he is
gay, but that he is an incredible asshole.
Speaking of, was Sarah Palin sent to Earth to teach us all patience?
Yea, Sarah Palin... Man. I just fucking hate her.
Do You ever wonder what would’ve happened if You hadn’t rested on the
I do not look back on My mistakes. Rather I look forward to the future, when I
can destroy all of them.
That pony I asked for when I was 9… should I still expect that at
Ha! That particularly pony died 12 years ago. And I can’t even tell it thou
saidst hi, because it’s not up here. It’s in the other place. He was a vile,
Want more from God? See some of His best tweets on the following pages.