For today’s gay guy, the social scene can more closely resemble a modern house of horrors. No matter who you are, every gay man has a few traits that are truly cringe-worthy. But there are some mutations among us that belong under the glare of a microscope instead of sitting across from the dinner table.
These bizarre distortions of gay men walk among us in plain sight, masking their deformities behind their coiffed hair and moisturized faces. But don’t be fooled, these dastardly characters should be kept far from your phonebook contacts and even further from your cocktail parties.
So step right up and marvel at the six gay men that you never want to meet, but make sure you stay behind the glass partition.
This villain is practically impossible to spot during business hours. By day, Dr. Sober is the perfect example of what the modern gay man should be. He has a great dog, an incredible apartment and is quite possibly the best lunch date you could ever ask for. But when he starts to round the corner of that third double cocktail during happy hour, Dr. Sober checks out for the night. Instead, you are left trying to wrangle the erratic, obnoxious and nonsensical behavior of Mr. Sloppy. Without even knowing it, you have found yourself in the eye of a vodka tornado complete with tears, come-ons and racial slurs. The check can never come fast enough.
This couple might fool you into believing that they are of two beings, but in fact, they operate solely as one body. They think alike, dress alike and finish each other’s sentences. None of these factors are gag-worthy on their own… but just give it time. Their relentless intent to rub their relationship in your face with every status update, profile picture and birthday card signed with both names will soon chap your thighs worse than tight jeans at the amusement park in the summertime.
These desperate creatures may seem harmless at first. You might even feel a tinge of pity as you incorporate this love addict into your circle. But beware. To this member of the monster squad, every eligible bachelor is a potential leading man in the next sequel of his romantic comedy/horror flick. To a serial dater, his life is a movie and you are only playing a part. At any point, the guy you just dumped could take on the leading role and your footage may be slashed with a butcher knife and left on the cutting room floor.
This type of man is commonplace in any gay hub. He has the build of an Adonis, a movie star smile and a hairstyle that looks more like a cartoon than actual hair. Unfortunately, these are only side effects from whatever toxic sludge that turned his brain into mush. The only cognitive functions these “mombies” are still capable of are self-pics, weight lifting and making you feel like an inferior physical specimen. They may not eat your brains, but you may just unlearn a thing or two after talking to him. Oh, and they tend to run in packs.