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"Full-Tilt Boogie Angela"

This week's Project Runway was brought to you by the Empire State Building and the letter b for boring
An Advocate.com exclusive posted August 4, 2006

I'm back with the same group of gays and straight women as last week to watch the show. We all still applaud Malan when he pops up in the credits. A contest has started to decipher the tattoos on Jeffrey's neck. I've tried and tried and all I can get is "Detroit." There's small lettering under Detroit and more big lettering to the left of Detroit.

Here are some the best guesses offered by the group:

* "So yesterday, so yesterday"

* other towns in Michigan

* the lyrics to "Baby Got Back"

* "Don't forget to mention Aaron's wallet this week." (Which prompts a discussion about Aaron's Assume Vivid Astro Focus wallet. People want to see it and play with the Velcro and learn about the wallet's spending adventures. Oh, yes, there's a Velcro closure. This is a no-fear wallet.)

Oh, and by the way, the answer to last week's quiz is, as you may have guessed, the statement made by Robert Gay Arms about On a Clear Day You Can See Forever. He's got a lot of gay in him—more than a Falcon video, which occasionally feature gay-for-pay performers, and clearly more than Lance Bass, who described himself in his People coming-out interview as a "SAG: a straight-acting gay."

Yes, he really said that.

I'm going to let go of the part where I tell you what I'm wearing because it's embarrassing. Last week I was in my underwear. Right now it's blue plaid pajama bottoms and an Avon Breast Cancer Walk T-shirt. And I've got gross zit cream on my face. I'm not ready for anyone's runway. But I promise that if I end up wearing something awesome while I write, I'll bring it up.

I do, however, maintain rigorously correct opinions about everything fashion, and here are this week's selections:

1. My friend Shannon is wearing an outstanding June Cleaver dress by Isaac Mizrahi for Target while we watch the show. It's flowery all over, and she's taken the crinoline out to make the skirt less poofy. She brought homemade cheese scones for the group.

2. I saw this really perfect gown by Rodarte in one of the magazines recently. I forget which one. It was floor-to-neck dress-length vertical ruffle, so the model looked like a very pretty accordion.

3. Check out page 98 of the latest issue Tokion magazine and groove to the girl wearing the wicker cardigan by Belgian designer Walter Van Beirendonck. Wicker.

OK, the show:

Bonnie Who Outfitted Serena Williams Whether Anyone Liked It or Not, and Uli, Heidi's German Pet, wake up, and Uli immediately begins dissing Angela, the YSL Copier. That's what's so admirable about Germans: They make every minute of the day count. Cut to Angela wearing what appears to be a saggy, flowery, adult diaper. Is Depends making skirts now? She probably thinks she's daring like Björk.

Cut to Jeffrey Christ, who says that he's feeling misunderstood. Join the club, Jeffrey, you've inspired a contest in a house of people who don't understand a thing about your neck. Jeffrey understands Keith Michael Who's Winning More Enemies Than Friends Lately, though. He says that Keith's "greatest attribute is that he's a fine, fine bullshitter."

Cut to the runway. Heidi is explaining this week's challenge. Design an outfit for INC. INC is Macy's store line. Macy's is the big sponsor of the show. Part of the deal is some free labor. Anyway, have you ever seen INC clothes? They're pretty lame most of the time, so it's bread and butter for Macy's. Jeffrey nods his head happily. Why is he doing that? Does this sound like good news to him? He makes clothes that look like someone just set them on fire. Not that that's a problem for me. I think his stuff is good. But none of his ideas are going to fly with INC. Cut to a very happy Kayne the Flaming Lisp.

He's been dipping into the absent Michael Kors's jar of orange. Loved you in Drop Dead Fred, man.

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Dave White is the author of Exile In Guyville, a book where fashion takes a backseat to pancakes. Find him at www.imdavewhite.com .
From the archives of The Advocate and Advocate.com

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