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Three Words: Nobody Goes Home

Psych! Heidi and the judges pull a fast one on the audience on this week's Project Runway.
An Advocate.com exclusive posted September 29, 2006

It was nice having a week off from recapping this show. It gave me time to forget every opinion I had about the remaining designers—Laura, Jeffrey, Michael and Uli—and a chance to devote myself to the new season of Oprah. It also gave me the opportunity to study the Fashion Week collections from the final four. Technically we're not supposed to have seen them yet unless we were at the shows themselves. But they were online hours after the shows happened. Thanks, Internet. Better yet, my good friend Dennis was at the shows and he promised me some you-are-there bits of commentary. When the shows air on Bravo I'll get him to give y'all what he's got.

This week's episode is, I'll say right now, the most excruciatingly boring one of the season. I can see why they brought Vincent and Angela back for a second chance, because without them, there's no fighting or insanity. It's just a lot of sewing and nose-to-the-grindstoning. The producers knew what they were doing with that one. Good thing there's only, like, two—or three, I can't remember—episodes after this.

Jeffrey kicks off the episode promisingly, doing his best to insult the other three designers. Here is his complete quote: “Each of us does something very specific and very different. If you like peasant blouses, big and flowy, Uli's in. If you like run-of-the-mill, friendly fashion, then Michael's in. If you like mothballs and chicken soup, Laura's in.” And if you want Pat Benatar's “Love Is a Battlefield” video meets Goth Day at Disneyland, Jeffrey's your man. He says he's about “[living] a little dangerously.” Then they cut to a shot of Laura's preggers belly, just to remind you of what it really means to live dangerously. Because knocked-up at 42 trumps voluntary neck tattoos pretty much every time.

Meanwhile, Michael has suddenly gone loopy-spiritual, talking about how “words have power, so yes, I will be at Bryant Park.” I don't know what he means. And I don't want to. Just make a dress, man.

The four gather for Heidi so she can lie to them about how this challenge will determine which three will be at Fashion Week. But I'm spoiling it right here and telling you that no one gets cut at the end of this episode. An hour of your life, given to Bravo for nothing in return, not even a “Ha-HA!” for your trouble. She tells them that the next morning they're meeting with Nina Garcia at Elle and she will tell them the details of the challenge.

Then Heidi brings out the models to continue the pointless model-competition subplot of the show. Uli steals Nazri away from Michael, and that's about all you need to know. Good move, Uli. Nazri is the best model left. Michael says, “I'm going to kill you.” But he's so nice and lovable that that's as far as the threat goes.

It's the next day. They're meeting with Nina at Elle's offices. She explains the importance of “editorial” to them. It's the difference between getting your line into a few funky little boutiques and getting into The Show. And it means that a designer has to juggle personal vision, the needs of jaded magazine editors addicted to new-new-new, and the crushing normalcy of readers who buy clothes. That's why Undercover's Jun Takahashi and that label's rebellious, freaked-out battle gear gets paid rapturous lip service in the magazines, but only in a “can you believe how crazy this stuff is?” kind of way. Meanwhile the major houses take all the big spreads and end up in Barneys.

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Dave White is the author of Exile in Guyville. Find more of him at www.imdavewhite.com. Photos courtesy BravoTV.
From the archives of The Advocate and Advocate.com

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