Ricky/Vicky Smackdown '07!  | Project Runway | Advocate.com

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Ricky/Vicky Smackdown '07!
Finally, some fighting on Project Runway. It’s not much fighting, mind you, but in this chilled-out season you take it where you find it.
An Advocate.com exclusive posted December 7, 2007
Ricky/Vicky Smackdown '07!

Hey, check it out. This chick I know in the Internet way tried on a lot of Bitten clothes in a store and had such an excellent time doing so that she’s written a letter to Sarah Jessy P. Here it is… 

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker, 

I am so disappointed in you. When I first heard you were doing your own clothing line I thought, Well, that makes sense, but when I heard it was going to contain stylish clothing for fat girls like me and all for under $20 a piece I nearly shat myself with excitement. Bitten! What a cute name! 

I was even more excited when I heard a Steve and Barry's [Dave say: I still have no idea what this place even is] was opening in Dayton, Ohio -- the very store set to carry your lovely new line of clothes, right here in my town! Hooray! 

Today, just a short while after Steve and Barry's grand opening, I excitedly made my way to buy as many fashionable new clothes as I could get my hands on. I went directly to the Bitten section (alive with the sound of the wonderfully reassuring Bitten promotional videos playing on flat-screen TVs every 20 feet or so), shuffling through each rack of clothes, handing pants and shirts and sweaters to my boyfriend to hang on to until I was ready to hit the fitting rooms. I was mildly amused (and mildly annoyed, but mostly amused) that many of the size 18/20 items were sold out. Fantastic, I thought, so many other fat girls are enjoying their stylish new clothes! 

Cute sweaters, fantastic pants, adorable shirts, lots of layering items, dresses -- even the slightly hideous Project Runway winning outfit. Well done, SJP, well done. Well done! 

Eleven shiny new Bitten items in hand (each one adorable and roughly $15 each), I made my way to the fitting rooms. They made me leave some items outside the room -- I was over the limit, I was so excited. 

The first shirt I tried on was pretty tight across the shoulders and chest, but I figured it was just the cut of the shirt -- that happens a lot, and I kinda figured that particular shirt would be a little off ... but man, was it ill-fitting. Meh, must be the cut, I thought, Next shirt! Hmm, tight across the shoulders and chest again. Odd. Then the next and the next and the next. All tight in the same way ... just like every other stupid, half-assed attempt at making stylish tops for plus-size bodies. And the pants! All tight in the thighs and ass ... just like every other stupid, half-assed attempt at making stylish pants for plus-size asses. 

I'd expect this bullshit from Old Navy, but not you, Sarah Jessica Parker, not you. You can't just take a shirt designed for a size-2 body and add more fabric. Clothing cut for an average-size woman WILL NOT fit a fat girl no matter how much you increase the pattern size. We just don't have the same kind of body. We need more boob room, larger armholes, more allowance across the shoulders, and a wee bit more length in our shirts and sweaters. In pants, give us more room in the thigh, more ass room, more forgiving waistbands. 

The Bitten manifesto reads: It is every woman's inalienable right to have a pulled-together, stylish, confident wardrobe, with money left over to live. 

Apparently, you didn't really mean every woman. 

I was so, so excited about Bitten -- ask my boyfriend, I've been downright annoying in my enthusiasm -- and the time I spent today in that Steve and Barry's fitting room was the most depressing experience of my life. 

You've made a valiant effort, SJP. The idea is wonderful, but you really need to consult a truly fat woman -- and I don't mean some size-12 secretary from Middle America -- I'm talking a size-20+ woman, jaded by years and years of extremely expensive, hideous, sack-shaped dresses and tops and pants with elastic waistbands -- a woman like me. 

Bitten. Disappointment! Try again, please, SJP. 

Sincerely,

Carrie

 

For me, the best thing about this letter is that it’s from a woman named Carrie. And speaking as one of the fats, I’m also about solidarity in Clothes-Shopping Land. It’s hard out here for the Heavy Ds among us. I went to my first big-and-tall store for men this year because I needed a new jacket and shirt that could be worn with a tie. Fortunately, we have a fancy(ish) one in Los Angeles where you can get Burberry and Ralph Lauren and some other straightforward menswear in big goon sizes, and I walked out with a cashmere blazer -- I’m a 50, and most stores only go up to 46 or 48 -- and a shirt with a perfect 20-inch neck. I look amazing in these items. But the thing? A BIG BOWL OF CANDY AT THE REGISTER. Not making that up. It’s their way of thanking the customers. Come back soon, Fatty! Keep eating! 

OK, the show. My fucking TiVo just cut off the tail end of Larry the Cable Guy’s Christmas to get PR. I hope you people appreciate the kind of sacrifices I make to bring you these recaps. Larry the Cable Guy was just about to sing a carol with Mama of Mama’s Family fame. And if you’ve been watching PR so far this season, you’ll know that I’m not lying when I tell you that nothing as exciting as that has gone down yet. It’s been, so far, a weirdly sedate season. They’ve managed to accumulate a group of people who seem more interested in working than in starting shit. I’m not bored or anything. I’m just saying that it would be nice to have a season-long beef along the lines of Jeffrey and Angela. That was a good one. He even made her mom cry, if you recall. At this point I’d settle for a Wendy Pepper–style annoyance thorn in everyone’s side. Ricky’s almost there for me on that one. But he’s got to step it up. 

The opening credits: I’m probably really late to the party on this one, but this week I heard someone describe Chris’s ugly leopard-print shirt and shiny green necktie combo as “Fred Flintstone.” My laughter gave way to shame when I realized I didn’t think of it the first time I saw it. Oh well. Let’s talk about bitchface. For someone who by all accounts, and according to the on-camera evidence we’ve been shown, is a stand-up guy, Jack gives you bitchface a whole lot. A whole, whole lot. Like during these opening credits when he says, “I’m in. They’re out.” It is, in fact, so much bitchface that it’s jarring. If you didn’t know that his hobbies include carrying around little gays in tote bags for fun and helping out the competition with their work and showing off his penis for the enjoyment of strangers on the Internet, you might think he wasn’t nice. But he totally is. It’s weird, and proof that gays can trick you a lot. Sometimes bitchface is just bitchface. 

The day begins in the New Gotham Apartments, where the designers are living this season. Kit wakes up. Ricky, from the shower, asks Rami to hand him his toothbrush and toothpaste. Sweet P drinks something from a mug and says about Carmen, to the interview cam, “Better her than me.” Rami is soon lounging with Chris, also drinking from a mug. Chris says, “Project Runway should have a perfume.” Together, he and Rami conclude that it will smell like a mixture of tears, sweat, and Chinese food. From the couch, my husband/partner/whatever says, “Would those be the hammy tears?” He won’t let up on Chris, my husband/partner/whatever. Corollary rule of thumb to go with the Jack commentary above: Sometimes there’s bitch without bitchface. The next shot is of shirtless Kevin -- again -- and Steven dusting stuff. They have to do their own dusting? 

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Keywords:  Dave White  Project Runway 

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