
It’s the reunion show. Time to sit on a couch and not fight. Or say outrageous things. Or be compelling. At all.
This’ll take no time. And I’m not lying when I say that. Almost nothing happens in this episode. Everyone’s so Pleasantville and dull. Except Christian. And Elisa. And weird, upset Carmen. And Victorya, who kind of won me over again with her icy, emotion-free glare.
Here they are, in case you forgot. And you probably did:
Simone -- The first time the camera cut to her I thought, Who’s that? Was she on the show? Claims that people recognize her. Is without question making all of that up.
Marion -- If he’d stuck around, I think he would have been a close contender for Most Annoying Person after Ricky. Gives off a sort of puffy petulance that demands respect but offers none.
Carmen -- How Carmen functions without a working epidermis is kind of fascinating. She was “hurt” when she saw a clip of Sweet P saying that she was glad Carmen got cut and not her. She actually wells up with tears. Sweet P is stunned, naturally. Is there a human being alive who wouldn’t think to themselves or even say out loud, “Glad it was you and not me?” What I love most about this moment is that Sweet P doesn’t run down to comfort Carmen. Kit and Jillian do, though, holding her through the pain, dispensing warm, loving words. Later in the show, Heidi will mention Carmen’s botched menswear challenge moment. “Thanks, Heidi,” Carmen snaps, rolling her eyes. Seriously, dude, grow a pair.
Kit -- She looks great as usual. She’s wearing some crazy white gloves. And that’s more or less all there is to say about Kit. I can’t even wish that I hoped she’d be less stable or more full of wacky TV attitude like Christian, because she’s clearly the kind of really nice girl you’d just be comfortable hanging out with and listening to “Spiderwebs” on KROQ’s “’90s Lunch Jam Listen-at-Work Hour” over some Taco Bell gorditas. And then you’d go record shopping and she’d go, “Hey, have you heard New Young Pony Club?” and you’d go, “Yeah, but they’re nowhere near as good as the Gossip.”
Steven -- In a constant state of bemusement. My husband/partner/whatever has a fascination with extremely pale men. I don’t know why. I’m not creeped out by it or anything. But he does. So he has this small crush on Steven. I don’t share that predilection. And I don’t share any brain space with memory of a single thing about Steven from this season. That he also remains fairly quiet during this episode isn’t helping me out at all.
Jack -- Have you noticed how MRSA is like every gay’s favorite joke now? This is Jack’s legacy. He helped the entire fag world become even more confused about what this bacteria even does and how you get it. Shit is terrifying, actually. My current understanding is that if you don’t put your finger up your nose, then you’re 100% protected from it for all time. Actually, I’m just talking shit now. See? It’s one of my favorite jokes too. Everybody wants to know if he’s coming back next season. He says he doesn’t know. OF COURSE HE HAS TO COME BACK. Heidi Klum can just will it to be so if she likes. She owns the whole enterprise. She’s the Darth Vader. Her words, her harsh guttural German words, can make it so. So do it, Heidi Klum. Bring back Jack. Look how gay he is. What is this show without that level of gay? Like he could be in the Olympics if they had them for being gay.
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