Unh Unh Unh Unh Unh Unh Unh Unh … | American Idol

|| American Idol ||

Unh Unh Unh Unh Unh Unh Unh Unh …

...is how you say “in the jingle-jangle morning” in Jason Castro-ese. Translated into English, it means, “Please, I’m begging you. Kick me off this show.”

An Advocate.com exclusive posted May 9, 2008

It’s almost over. In mere weeks there will be only frustrating presidential campaigns, ongoing wars for oil, recession, global warming, and the aftermath of the Myanmar catastrophe to occupy your mind. We'll each have to cope in our own ways. Grand Theft Auto 4 -- or is it 5 -- might be an option.

So I'm in Rowlett, Texas, this week. It usually happens that at least once during an American Idol season that I end up back home in Texas for a week to visit my mom at her nursing home and hang out with my brother and sister-in-law and their three kids.

It’s a whole other experience watching the show with them than with a big pack of gays. First of all, my family actually cares, which is an emotion I've been unfamiliar with since the third season ended, notwithstanding my momentary eagerness to see The Boogie single-handedly implode the entire setup or my unashamed, still-correct affection for Carly Smithson.

These are the family members I've written about who go to the same conservative evangelical church as Jason Castro, who, by the way, begins the show by yawning right into the camera, a move that I can't deny is both a strong and happiness-giving protest statement about … something … plus it’s visually compelling. Look, everyone! I couldn't be less excited to be here! Archuleta can't eat on performance day, but I can't stop nodding off!

Anyway, it's the tangential association between my family and JC that will provide this recap with something a little special: no bad swears. Like none. My family will want to read about themselves and they don't like it when I use the "f" word or the "sh" word or, well, any of those words. You're welcome, non-profanity-using family members. I hope you understand that you're cramping my vibrant literary style. Furthermore, it's also what’s kept me all season long from joining in the chorus of media voices telling the dreaded one to put down the bong and practice his songs. Because guess what? If my sources are correct, he’s not high. He’s just a doofus.

My 12-year-old niece has her favorites (Archie and Cook, of course), my sister-in-law loves the show for its own sake, my brother can barely stand to be in the room when it’s on, pausing in the living room only long enough to wonder aloud why we waste our time watching when there are perfectly good hockey games featuring brutal fights readily available on other channels.

I have to agree with him on the brutal fights. This show would be way more awesome if there were actual blood spilled. Oh, look, it’s Antonella Barba in the audience. Or Jamie-Lynn Sigler. One of them, at least. I think. Maybe if they were both there, they could fight and my brother might stop and watch.

Oh, and there’s Carly sitting right behind the judges. Carly Smithson, I mean. You know, THE BEST SINGER THEY’VE HAD ALL SEASON LONG? REMEMBER HER?

It’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Week (and please note that during the montage-y clip part where they explain what the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame means to the uninitiated, that the music-bed is a Kiss song. Kiss are not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, just so you know). But it might as well be Tribute to Martin Denny Week for as much as rock and roll means to the remaining Idols, since the show usually only allows one "rock" cast member per season. And it means even less to this season's "rock" cast member, David "I [Heart] Our Lady Peace" Cook. No, I won't let it go. I won't. Would it kill him to like some better bands? Wouldn't it be more excellent for everyone who has to come anywhere near him if he didn't become Scott Stapp? Or Chad Kroeger? Or … I don't know… any of those other guys in any of those other awful bands. I mean, maybe those two are both really nice, kind to their old nonfamous friends, maybe bought their moms nice houses and whatnot. A pony for the baby sister. But could their music stop sucking so much that it feels like I'm being screwdriver-surgeried in my skull when I hear it? Could he not become that person? Could he stop being those people now, please?

So here he is, Cook, ready to cover Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf." He’s grown his beard out a little more to provide some visual accompaniment to the song, even though it’s not actually about a wolf. Or even a wild dog. It's about Simon LeBon having a groupie brought to his hotel room by one of the roadies, then chasing her around the hot tub until she passes out from the effects of a speedball. Next day? In a taxi, cash in hand, doesn't remember where it came from or how she got in the car, cabbie's been given a note that reads, "Drop the bird off at Harvey Nichols."

Story continues on next page...

Dave White is the author of Exile in Guyville and listens to Gnaw Their Tongues. Find him at imdavewhite.com

Reader Comments

These comments are reproduced as written by visitors to this Web site. They have not been edited for content, grammar, or spelling. The viewpoints appearing here are those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect the opinion or views of advocate.com, The Advocate, or its affiliates.

Name: Jennifer
Date posted: 2008-05-12 10:12 PM
Hometown: Gaithersburg, MD

Comment:

Dave, A devoted, stone-cold-loyal reader of your Idol write-ups. I nearly had a falling out with my best friend over Carly, and assaulted a second one who, god help me, disliked her for her tattoo. I just wanted to say thanks for your column. (You channelling Amanda this year nearly put my husband in the ER.) You really are a brilliant writer. I wandered into someone else's write-up from last week -- it was nothing but a snarky wannabe of yours, jam-packed with suped-up names and no heart. You are funny, you are loyal, and you write like mad. Go, dude. And I think it *is* David Cook's hair and clothes. Hard to say which is scarier. But what about "Little Sparrow?" That was the real thing, no? I hold out hope for him.... You are great, thanks.

Name: A Fan from Fanville!
Date posted: 2008-05-12 2:41 PM
Hometown: Salt Lake City

Comment:

Luv this column! I've been reading it for several seasons now! Way, way funny! Between you and "What the Buck" I have laughter at my beck'n call! Don't agree with some of your assesments for this season. Carley was good but not the best. Cook is better than Archie-letta who is an immature kid. (He will throw his career away when he turns 19 and goes on a Mormon Mission for two years...trust me. I live in Utah). Syesha should be called Sy-Screecha! She's almost as bad as Katherine McPhee was...painful! Poor Castro. Not much of a personality. I'd cringe when he opened his mouth to say something and would sound like he didn't have a brain in his head. Too much weed? Or, just plain dumber than rocks? My next venture is to purchase your book Exile in Guyville. I need your humor!

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