Religious Disobedience

A gay former Mormon asks his family to protest this Sunday when the church issues support for California's pending ban on gay marriage. He finds the bonds of love and family run thin in the face of dogma.

By Lester Leavitt

An Advocate.com exclusive posted June 27, 2008

In an e-mail last Sunday morning, I asked my son in California (and indirectly my entire family) to walk out of church on Sunday, June 29, 2008 when their bishop stands up to read a letter from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (otherwise known as the Mormons). I disagree with the reading of this letter because in it the Mormon prophet has asked all California Mormons to “…do all [they] can to support the proposed constitutional amendment by donating of [their] means and time to assure that marriage in California is legally defined as being between a man and a woman.”

I thought that by asking my family to do this, I was simply asking them to send a strong message to Salt Lake City that they disagree with the idea that any church has a right to entrench clearly religious dogma into the constitution of a state or country. By asking my California family members (again, most importantly my son) to stand up and walk out of church, I was just asking them to defend my civil rights. My logic was that this would be a simple way for them to demonstrate the love that they profess to have for me.

I came out at age 45 after 25 years of marriage. And over the past three years my four children, two brothers, three sisters, and several of my more than 30 nieces and nephews have all in some way tried to communicate their unconditional love for me in spite of my “chosen lifestyle.” Only a handful of them actually think I was born gay; and many, including my four children, have told me that they support my right to live a full and authentic life as a gay man. They all have a different way of saying it, but the message is clear: they do not have to agree with me in order to love me.

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Leavitt is the founder of World House Art Centers in Pompano Beach, Fla. Read more of his writing at www.lesterleavitt.blogspot.com .

Reader Comments

These comments are reproduced as written by visitors to this Web site. They have not been edited for content, grammar, or spelling. The viewpoints appearing here are those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect the opinion or views of advocate.com, The Advocate, or its affiliates.

Name: George
Date posted: 2008-06-30 4:14 PM
Hometown: Orange, TX

Comment:

I applaud this man for being brave enough to ask this of his family. I grew up in the church and still attend regularly - and my local church as embraced my partner and I despite the discipline of the denomination. My partner comes from an extremely right wing fundamentalist family. They have had a very difficult time accepting his being gay and needless to say, cannot fathom the relationship at all. Still, I am invited to all family functions provided they are not hosted by his sister. And they profess to still lvoe their son even though they do not understand. We're hoping to get them to a P-FLAG meeting some day so they can see that they are not alone in their pain and grief over the situation. There comes a time, even at the expense of church discrimination, when we all finally have to take a stand. I hope this man's family honors his wishes.

Name: Rita Grate
Date posted: 2008-06-30 3:56 AM
Hometown: Harrison, Arkansas

Comment:

I come from a very religious family (not Mormon) and although I am straight, my brother is gay and just moved back home after five years away. Although my family loves him with everything they have, it is still difficult for them to see him on a date or hear him talk of a boyfriend. The overall concensus is that he brought this on himself because he "chooses" to be the way he is. They would never consider walking out of church services in protest even though my brother and I both encourage them to do so. Seeing the pain my brother has gone/is going through, my heart goes out to you. Congratulations on finding yourself and your strength; now it is time to let your family find theirs.

Name: Paul Ginandes
Date posted: 2008-06-29 5:39 PM
Hometown: Boston, MA

Comment:

Religion is at the heart of almost all problems of homophobia and discrimination of all sorts. Because organized religions require blind faith and adherence. And belief in things that make no sense, and have no proof is a way of life that leads to irrational hatred and prejudice. The men who founded this country were products of the age of reason. This is a wonderful ideal to pursue. Go for it. Why do we want the unreasoning religious people in our life to try to change their beliefs? It's never going to happen. Their religions do not encourage dialogue or inquiry. If you simply walk away from those who build their lives around intolerance, you will be better off. If you lose their love because you won't worship as they feel you should, then what kind of love is that anyway?

Name: Steve Krotz
Date posted: 2008-06-29 1:09 PM
Hometown: Tempe, AZ

Comment:

This country is moving away from religion by choice and dangerously close to mandated religion of the most politically and monetarily powerful sect. What is happening today is not even close to what our founding fathers intended. That's why they were so careful in writing a constitutional framework that is not supposed to allow religious dogma to dominate the government. Unfortunately for us, when you have a government that simply chooses to ignore the constitution when they don't like what it says, we're all in big trouble! We've seen how well that works for the rank and file populace in the extremist Muslim countries that also have chosen to ignore those parts of their religion (i.e., government) that don't support what they want. That's why it's EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that every single one of us registers and votes in ALL of our elections. It's the one sure way our founders gave us that can, if used, guarantee against that kind of extremism here. VOTE!!

Name: M
Date posted: 2008-06-28 11:52 PM
Hometown: Lincoln, NE

Comment:

Isn't it awful dealing with family members who are so brainwashed? And for them it's more than a faith, it's a social community that could possibly reject them, the same way they rejected you. That's got to be a major fear in their minds, because the church pushed you away without a second thought--and they know it would be the same for them if the conditions of the church's love aren't met. So many of the people who have a vested interest in where you place your mind and money have decided what is right and true about "god," but the truth of life is so much bigger, so much grander, that such pettiness is for those who decide to live in fear. And, like any gay person coming out, it takes courage to overcome fear. And time. Our families don't have the same impetus. It will take them more time.

Name: Harold Levine
Date posted: 2008-06-28 8:49 PM
Hometown: NYC

Comment:

This must be very hard for you. I do hope that you will find a church or other faith community that accepts you 100% as who you are, and congratulate you for taking a brave and principaled stance with your family. I actually think that if all us contacted our family members and actually asked them to write to their elected representatives or take other direct action to support our civil right we'd be much further along, but we hesitate to do so, even when our families are likely to take the steps we suggest. I wish you all happiness in your future, and bet that at least some of your family does take action based on your request. Please let us know!

Name: Braddoc DeCaires
Date posted: 2008-06-28 1:27 PM
Hometown: Kailua, HI

Comment:

Mr. Leavitt, Kudos to you on taking such a stand. It may feel tough at the moment, but it will get better. I resigned from the Catholic Church in 1997. Best decision of my life. Since then, I have felt stronger connection to spirituality by realizing that faith has very little to do with organized religion. It is a personal journey. Today, my parents still attend church services daily, but both are pro-gay marriage and make it no secret to anyone at their parish that they want to see their son happily married to a man someday. They are educating their Catholic friends from within the walls of their church. I think it's great. It took them time, so don't count out your family members just yet. They may open their eyes and minds in the years to come. Hang in there! Braddoc DeCaires

Name: Grant
Date posted: 2008-06-28 12:53 PM
Hometown: Fargo

Comment:

I've been lurking for awhile reading all these articles, and now I finally have to post: No matter how hurtful things get with you and your church going family, you can't let that ruin your faith. A common mistake people make is assuming that God or whatever higher deity they serve, is the exact same as the followers that serve them. That isn't the case. God's followers are fallable, like anything else. You can't give up because of them. There are other churches, there are more progressive-minded people, you have to just keep hoping that you find them. I'm a Christian and a gay man. I was raised in the South, and was shunned when I was outed. So I left, and moved somewhere progressive, and found more progressive minded Christians, in churches like the United Church of Christ, and certain Episcopalian and Lutheran churches. Don't give up hope!

Name: David
Date posted: 2008-06-28 11:16 AM
Hometown: Salt Lake City

Comment:

Asking a persons family to support you is completely different than asking your family to commit social suicide. Being in Utah you realize that it is more than religion, it is community and sole social support being in that church. I wish this person the best and hope he has not alienated his family so much that they will still vote their conscience. He admitted himself that this church is extremely difficult to leave or disagree with, and asking family to make this same decision on his request is unreasonable. Asking your family to prove their love is not the right way to go about any issue. I do not agree with this article because it is the same tactics that churches use against us.

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