Above: Terri's losing dress, a sad loss
Things are not going my way. First I go to my doctor because my heartbeat feels weird, and without warning he rushes me off to a cardiologist because he thinks I might be having a cardiac episode. And worse, TERRI GETS ELIMINATED THIS WEEK.
I wasn’t having a cardiac episode at all, it turns out. But as I write this I am still hooked up to a 24-hour heart monitor. It sucks. Can’t shower, can’t sleep lying down, can’t do much but sit here and look at the little timer box attached to a cord attached to wires attached to sticky pads attached to my chest. It’s going to feel Kelly Clarkson amazing when they all get yanked off later today. I suppose if the monitor finds out I need a new blood-pumping organ I can get a mechanical one or a baboon heart like Christian Slater did in that movie that one time.
But meanwhile, TERRI GETS ELIMINATED THIS WEEK. There’s no baboon heart that can fix that. Stupid Project Runway. I get to watch Suede and Jerell and Joe gallivant around next week? And maybe the week after that? And maybe all the way to Bryant Park? That’s swell. I was hoping for more of those clowns.
Cut to Terri opening this week’s episode and being a cold, hard bitch about Stella, singing “Witch is dead, witch is dead” and then, on interview cam, saying, “Will I miss Stella? No. That’s one less person to worry about.” She must not be here to make friends, huh? Cut to Suede and Blayne blathering on and on about their previous night’s dreams. Those dreams involved Pop-Tarts, claims Suede. But I doubt it. It plays like a bit they concocted for the camera’s sake. And also cut to my friend Dennis, sitting on my couch, calling Terri names and mocking her “wig.”
“That doesn’t have to be a wig,” I say. “Oprah’s hair is her own.”
“Uh-huh,” he says.
But I believe in Terri’s hair. I believe in her talent. I believe she’s cooler than all of these knuckleheads put together. And I’m right. So what if she’s out for number one? It’s a competition.
They all meet up at the runway to see Heidi for 90 seconds. She’s in black, pulled-back hair, serious face: “Before we talk about your next challenge,” she begins ...
“It’s time for the most boring part of the show,” announces friend Gary in his best Heidi voice. He’s also sitting on the couch. I’m not. I’m across the room with my heart monitor ticking away like a suicide bomb. And that most boring part of the show, where they nod to the malnourished, underpresented, weird, and pointless also-ran competition involving the models whose names we never learn unless they’re steeped in some kind of controversy, takes place while Dennis, Gary, Xtreem Aaron, and Dennis’s partner, Terence, all talk about how Terence used to work at Calvin Klein during the Carolyn Bessette years. He had only excellent things to say about her too, in case you were wondering, like how she would flip her hair around really well and make you feel like you were the only person who mattered to her while she was talking to you. I suppose I should have paid attention to what just happened with the models, but the C.B. story was better. And I’m not rewinding. TERRI GOT ELIMINATED, THAT’S WHY.
Heidi announces that some specials guests are about to come out. “Oh, good, Keenan and Kel,” says Xtreem Aaron.
But it’s not. It’s all the losing designers who’ve been kept sequestered in hotel rooms for the duration of the shoot while the rest of them keep playing the game. This is where, if the other blogs and gossip sites are correct, where the auf’d Wesley and Daniel have spent their time getting to know each other a LOT better. “Who’s the Asian guy?” asks Gary. “I don’t remember him at all.”
“Jerry,” I say. “First to be kicked off. Is already a reasonably successful designer outside of this and probably didn’t need the show in the first place.”
“Oh, shower curtain raincoat guy,” says Gary.
Challenge: Work in teams with a previously discarded designer to create an “avant-garde” look. I love it when the show throws the words “avant-garde” around. I also love it when the designers who wouldn’t know “avant-garde” if it peed on them suddenly think they’re capable of doing it. Cut to Jerell saying, “I can pull something avant-garde out of my ass all by myself.” So your dumps are avant-garde, then, Jerell? Like it comes out in the shape of Frank Gehry’s Disney Concert Hall or Meret Oppenheim’s fur-lined teacup? Because if you can do that, then I’ll watch it happen and I’ll stop writing in these recaps that your designs are in fact the actual turds on display here.
The noneliminated designers are all annoyed. You can see it on their faces. None of them want to get dragged down. But it’s going to happen. And it’s going to be awesome. They get into the workroom and Tim Gunn tells them that the challenge also involves the Zodiac. Right on! Best serial killer ever! It’s about time this show got a little edgier. Maybe it will inspire some avant-garde shit -- and I’m talking about real avant-garde shit, not the kind Jerell produces with his butt -- after all. Joe says, “I’m happy to have an inspiration.” Then he says he could just take a sock and put it over his head and call it avant-garde. And that’s correct. He could. I hope it’s a really tight sock too. “Joe is so ‘design staff,’” says Terence. Which is actually a bigger insult than me hoping for a tight sock. I thank Terence for this remark. Do I sound fed up? I am. Since I already know Terri’s going home I’m a little irritated. It’s like seeing Carly get kicked off American Idol all over again.
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