CONTACTStaffCAREER OPPORTUNITIESADVERTISE WITH USPRIVACY POLICYPRIVACY PREFERENCESTERMS OF USELEGAL NOTICE
© 2024 Pride Publishing Inc.
All Rights reserved
All Rights reserved
By continuing to use our site, you agree to our Private Policy and Terms of Use.
COMMENTARY: As World AIDS Day approaches, I'm fielding requests for school speeches, journal entries, and perspective from an HIV-positive person. I have found it hard to articulate the impact this disease has and why. My words are often taken out of context; my answers are never "right." But in a recent question and answer session at a high school near Boston, one young student wanted to know whether my answers even matter and, more importantly, how those answers are used.
I should preface this by saying the school in question is no ordinary school. Walnut Hill School for the Arts is a boarding school with students from 14 different countries, each there by choice, not obligation. They have sought out this school because they have talent -- to dance, sing, perform, but on a different level. Young George Li, the famous child pianist, is among the group of roughly 300 unique individuals. Poet Elizabeth Bishop was an alum of Walnut Hill, once an all-girls preparatory school. The school can best be described as a cross between Harry Potter's Hogwarts and Glee; the magic, of course, is in the eye of the beholder. By nature, the maturity level of these students is above average and the school's tolerance an environmental necessity we could all learn to live by.
I was asked there because of a student's involvement with the AIDS Action Committee and the Boston AIDS Walk -- the student sought me out after reading one of these columns.
There is no shortage of material for me to cover at these appearances, so I decided to treat my talk at Walnut Hill Arts as a dry run for my planned World AIDS Day column and outreach. I showed a rough cut of my World AIDS Day video with coworkers, clients, Real Housewife Jill Zarin, and Michael J. Fox looking on. It's a reflection of my year since coming out as HIV-positive, a personal journey commemorated by a public anniversary. I cried, almost without noticing, upon hearing myself say, "A part of me died the day I was diagnosed." I'd finally realized just how true that is.
As I sat in the auditorium, I glanced at the questions about to be asked of me. Naturally, there is nothing off limits. One stood out: "Why didn't you use a condom?" I wound up answering the question honestly and simply. I didn't use a condom because I was in the moment, I trusted the other person, and yes, I thought it would feel better. Those words make me cringe today.
The assembly ended and I went back to New York, moved by those students and the Multicultural AIDS Coalition of Boston, and reenergized by the impact of one conversation. But it wasn't until I received an e-mail from one of those students that I realized the true value of that visit. The student referenced my answer about using a condom. It was a short note, and it ended with an affirmative question: "It really doesn't matter why you didn't wear a condom, and it only matters if we are looking to judge you. Right?" I've been conflicted about my response for four days now.
You see, questions around the details of why I didn't use protection
immediately suggest this disease was somehow a choice. That choice comes with
consequences, and those consequences combined with that choice lead to a
judgment that is at the very heart of the social impact that is felt by
those who are positive. Its what makes the challenges of HIV different from illnesses like cancer, diabetes, or Parkinson's. HIV's physical complications are thankfully controlled by
medicine, but it's arguably equally debilitating in ways medicine
can't treat.
What if my answer were different? What if I had said I did it often ... sex, that is? Sometimes safe, sometimes not? Or that I actually contracted HIV from a used needle while shooting up? What if it was a one-night stand versus a long-term boyfriend? Sure, some of these behaviors are not the smartest and come with their own issues. But does any one of them make me more or less deserving of HIV? After all, that would mean I chose to get HIV. What if it was because I was raped? Or got it as a child from a blood transfusion? How would this change your perception, your willingness to date, to love, to kiss, to support? Am I "less" of a person than someone in a monogamous heterosexual relationship, but "more" of a person than a habitual drug user?
Truth be told, I used to proclaim that it wasn't as though "I was having tons of sex and using drugs all the time." This somehow made me less deserving. The truth is, I had used drugs on occasion, and I had what I thought was a healthy sex life, but likely more sex than what society would approve of. But that isn't why I got HIV -- in fact, neither one of those was a factor. The question of circumstance is all too often used to further judge, perpetuate a stereotype, and determine an imaginary scale of who is "less bad" or "more deserving," regardless of what we will or won't admit. And though the virus is smart, it doesn't know character traits, sound judgments, or the value of true love versus a one-night stand.
Make no mistake, not a day has gone by that I don't wish I had used a condom. There is no doubt I regret it. I have worked through the shame. I have blamed myself, wishing I could take that moment back. And I will scream from the roof of any building is New York City that it was anything but worth it.
Until we as a society can, without hesitation, embrace this disease as a human health issue rather than an indicator of choice, we have no chance at prevention or awareness. At the end of the day, this disease still carries a stigma unlike any other. That stigma, for those of you without HIV, says more about our collective society than it does any single person currently living with the disease.
So my answer to this student's question is it's not really the answer that matters the most, but rather how it's used.
In most cases, it likely doesn't matter why one didn't use protection. We can't change the chemistry of the mind; people will, for whatever reason, still have sex without a condom. We will all still make mistakes, have lapses in judgment, or be affected by the decisions of another. However, the answers can provide insight -- to help us encourage healthier lifestyles, learn from others' experiences, and ask questions to assist along the way.
But when you get the answers -- honest answers -- how you choose to use it will say more about you than the answer itself will ever say about the person who gave it.
Want more breaking equality news & trending entertainment stories?
Check out our NEW 24/7 streaming service: the Advocate Channel!
Download the Advocate Channel App for your mobile phone and your favorite streaming device!
From our Sponsors
Most Popular
Here Are Our 2024 Election Predictions. Will They Come True?
November 07 2023 1:46 PM
17 Celebs Who Are Out & Proud of Their Trans & Nonbinary Kids
November 30 2023 10:41 AM
Here Are the 15 Most LGBTQ-Friendly Cities in the U.S.
November 01 2023 5:09 PM
Which State Is the Queerest? These Are the States With the Most LGBTQ+ People
December 11 2023 10:00 AM
These 27 Senate Hearing Room Gay Sex Jokes Are Truly Exquisite
December 17 2023 3:33 PM
10 Cheeky and Homoerotic Photos From Bob Mizer's Nude Films
November 18 2023 10:05 PM
30 Steamy Photos of Folsom Street Fair 2023 Debauchery
October 15 2023 11:06 PM
42 Flaming Hot Photos From 2024's Australian Firefighters Calendar
November 10 2023 6:08 PM
These Are the 5 States With the Smallest Percentage of LGBTQ+ People
December 13 2023 9:15 AM
60 Burly Pics from Bearrison Street Fair 2022
October 08 2023 8:30 PM
Watch Now: Advocate Channel
Trending Stories & News
For more news and videos on advocatechannel.com, click here.
Trending Stories & News
For more news and videos on advocatechannel.com, click here.
Latest Stories
The ultimate guide to cannabis in Provincetown
March 26 2024 6:40 PM
New York Times fails to include trans voices in coverage, say GLAAD, Media Matters
March 26 2024 6:31 PM
Pete Buttigieg commits federal resources to Baltimore bridge collapse recovery
March 26 2024 5:47 PM
The horrific reality of transgender individuals in Texas prisons
March 26 2024 4:30 PM
Three more arrested in murder of queer Brazilian politician Marielle Franco
March 26 2024 3:41 PM
New Hampshire advances trans-exclusionary sports bill
March 26 2024 3:24 PM
Pride
Yahoo FeedFind your perfect fit with gender-inclusive fashion from The Pride Store
March 26 2024 2:16 PM