The New 60

Approaching a new decade includes taking stock of one’s self and one’s life. What’s working and what isn't.

There is a wonderful exercise I learned from my brilliant colleague Eric Schneider.

Go three years into the future and describe, in the present tense, your life as you want it to be. Really go for it — within the realm of possibility: If I say I am playing shortstop for the Yankees, it ain’t gonna happen, but if I say I have a book on The New York Times best-seller list — possible. Include every aspect of your life: home, family, health, career, travel, relationship. Write it as if it already is.

When we envision ourselves clearly in this way, we have a touchstone: Do my current actions match my goal? If not, do I really want it, or am I afraid of it?

If I am being honest with myself, the area that has me puzzled right now is relationship. Particularly my desire for a long-term one. At lunch with my ex today, he challenged me to look at what I hadn’t dared to admit I wanted while we were together. I had feared that if I revealed my needs and desires, it would be too clear he couldn’t meet them. I believe I was afraid the truth would end our relationship. Now that we are no longer lovers, it seems foolish not to have taken that risk.

In preparation for my next relationship, it would be useful to dare to admit what I want to myself.


What stands between me and my future man: First of all, there’s my "picker" (I just heard this expression). I tend to pick men who are likely to not be there for me by reason of character, age, or geography. My resistance to intimacy and surrender in a relationship has been masked by what seems to be, on the surface, the resistance and fears of the other — the perfect decoy for my resistance and fear.