Holy merit badge! Divine retribution?

If God hates gays, why do his harshest punishments—electrocutions, heat waves, hurricanes—seem to be directed at antigay bigots? The Boy Scouts should take note.

BY Karel

July 29 2005 12:00 AM ET

And this was nothing compared with last year. Four massive hurricanes in less than two months. It was an election year, you see, and Florida had really made God mad with the 2000 debacle, so he was trying to send them a message to get it right in 2004. They didn’t listen. So bam! They got it again.

Maybe the Christians are on to something. Maybe God is angry, and smiting things left and right. But maybe the right-wingnuts are not picking up on the real reasons: Maybe it’s not gay people the Omnipotent is after, maybe it’s not we who are just living our lives the way the Almighty made us (if you believe in that sort of thing). Maybe instead it’s those people who are calling us, his handiwork, somehow less than human, ungodly, unholy.

Who is man to call another man less than godly? Because while man can make a mess, only God can make a homo.

And God likes it that way. After all, Massachusetts has legalized same-sex marriage, and God has kept most natural disasters away from that state. Nor has he destroyed Canada, Spain, the Netherlands, and other countries that allow same-sex marriage or something close to it. When was the last time you heard of an act of God harming gay-friendly New Zealand, for instance?

So, Boy Scouts, if I were you, I’d be seriously looking at policies you may have as a group that are upsetting to God.

Who am I to speak for God? Well, I’m just as qualified as any of those who say God attacks cities or states for their pro-gay stance or as some sort of divine signal of his disapproval. After all, I’m ordained. I am. I am an official member of the clergy, ordained by World Christian Ministries. And it only cost me $80 and some time on the Internet. They never even asked if I believed in God.

Here’s the thing: Speaking for God and believing in him are two separate things altogether. Doing God’s work versus his bidding—again, separate. There are many who do God’s work. They are those who help their fellow humans instead of dividing them. They are those who give of themselves selflessly, to everyone, not just to people who believe the way they do. They are people who accept all of God’s creations, not just the ones that ideologically or biologically fit some mold of what is “normal.” They are ones who would never waver from their own beliefs but would never legislate them either.

Yes it seems speaking for God and truly believing in him never, ever shall meet.

I don’t believe in God as written. I’m one of the 5% of people in the United States brave (or stupid) enough to say that, because there is a lot of societal prejudice against those who don’t associate with any religion or belief.

But it doesn’t take a devout follower to see that if there is a God, he’s pissed. At the Boy Scouts. At Florida and, oh yes, Indonesia. In the United States recently we’ve had record heat waves killing people in our cities, flooding, lightning striking people, tornados—acts of biblical destruction. And never in West Hollywood. Never in Chelsea. Never in the Castro. Usually in the Bible Belt, in the red states, in places where bigots flourish. Even the disease allegedly sent to destroy homosexuals, AIDS, has now killed more nongay people worldwide than gay people.

It’s official. God hates bigots and is making bigoted America pay. If it keeps up, gay meccas could become Noah’s Arks of sorts, because it would appear those are the only areas the divine is leaving alone. (Key West may be the exception, but it has the unfortunate fate of being part of Florida, and God, as we know from the Old Testament, has no qualms about taking out a few thousand bystanders when smiting the wicked.)

Cities with big gay centers are flourishing while places where they hang homos on fence posts are dwindling economically and socially. Even the climate in many of those places is rebelling.

So, devout, überconservative Christians, take a note from one of your own hymns: God is trying to tell you something. It sounds a lot like, Let my people go. Give my people equality, all of them.

Or else.

If this keeps up, it might be enough to convince even this nonbeliever.

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