Gay-volution theory

BY Kate Clinton

October 09 2005 11:00 PM ET

Great news,
everyone! I’ve figured out how to deep-six that
detestable, untestable, pseudoscientific,
time-wasting, national embarrassment of a nontheory
called Intelligent Design. George W. Bush recently mused in
an interview that ID should be taught in schools along
with the theory of evolution—so that no child
would be left behind later in life when the cocktail
party chat turns to “How the bleep did
we get here?”

Leaving aside the
uproarious notion that George, from Georgeville,
population: George, even be allowed to discuss intelligence
or design, let alone both, his
“thinking” shows some, well, evolution.

As you know,
incurious George once remarked, “The jury is still
out on evolution.” If he had come to this
conclusion after seeing March of the Penguins, I
might cut him some slack. The movie, so straight, with
an unrelenting emphasis on reproduction, monogamy, and
heartwarming depictions of male penguins caring for
their young (for three months of the year), could be a
Penguin Family Values DVD bulk-mailed to megachurches
everywhere, but it is no brief for evolution. For
millions of years, penguins have parked themselves 70
miles from the nearest protein bar and have not perfected
the unprotected egg toss—nor have they introduced
pastels. The jury is left out in the cold. More
likely, George, he who sees the world in
black-and-white, watched that snuff documentary Grizzly Man.

So why the change
in his “thinking”? He seems to have discovered
that the Scopes trial was not a blind test for
mouthwash. His Social Darwinism, with its Southern
strategy of survival of the fittest, has not morphed
into a Scientific Darwinism. Chances are, it wasn’t
from reading about Darwin’s finches or his box.
For his “thinking” to have evolved from
creationism’s cretinous insistence on nothing older
than 4,000 years, I speculate someone must have
bullet-pointed for him that it takes millions of years
to create crude oil.

The flat-earth
foolishness of creationism has been forced to evolve into
the hybrid theory called Intelligent Design. “The
world was made by God” has morphed into
“The universe was created by the Grand
Designer.” Which is so gay. I think God, the
wink wink nudge nudge grand designer, is
gay, but that was discussed in a previous sermonette.

Intelligent
Design is the gayest theory since that darling Irrational
Exuberance. Gay and lesbian people have mysteriously
propagated for thousands of years without benefit of
hand-me-down DNA. The only identifying genetic tag
seems to be an orange AF tab and an ur-tendency toward
multipocketedness. And all that can mutate inexplicably next
spring. When we propagate now, we don’t necessarily
produce gay offspring. We have thrived and multiplied
amid the most deleterious of conditions. We are
magically known to each other through pheromones or
feral moans. Despite hypothalamic studies, finger
measurements, and gay designer–gene mappings,
scientists cannot explain definitively what makes some
lucky people gay. We just are.

That mysterious,
magical je ne sais quoi–ness is the unprovable crux
of Intelligent Design. Intelligent Design is gay. Name
it and claim it. Loudly and often. Unlike us, it will
be gone in six months.

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