CONTACTStaffCAREER OPPORTUNITIESADVERTISE WITH USPRIVACY POLICYPRIVACY PREFERENCESTERMS OF USELEGAL NOTICE
© 2024 Pride Publishing Inc.
All Rights reserved
All Rights reserved
By continuing to use our site, you agree to our Private Policy and Terms of Use.
Great news, everyone! I've figured out how to deep-six that detestable, untestable, pseudoscientific, time-wasting, national embarrassment of a nontheory called Intelligent Design. George W. Bush recently mused in an interview that ID should be taught in schools along with the theory of evolution--so that no child would be left behind later in life when the cocktail party chat turns to "How the bleep did we get here?"
Leaving aside the uproarious notion that George, from Georgeville, population: George, even be allowed to discuss intelligence or design, let alone both, his "thinking" shows some, well, evolution.
As you know, incurious George once remarked, "The jury is still out on evolution." If he had come to this conclusion after seeing March of the Penguins, I might cut him some slack. The movie, so straight, with an unrelenting emphasis on reproduction, monogamy, and heartwarming depictions of male penguins caring for their young (for three months of the year), could be a Penguin Family Values DVD bulk-mailed to megachurches everywhere, but it is no brief for evolution. For millions of years, penguins have parked themselves 70 miles from the nearest protein bar and have not perfected the unprotected egg toss--nor have they introduced pastels. The jury is left out in the cold. More likely, George, he who sees the world in black-and-white, watched that snuff documentary Grizzly Man.
So why the change in his "thinking"? He seems to have discovered that the Scopes trial was not a blind test for mouthwash. His Social Darwinism, with its Southern strategy of survival of the fittest, has not morphed into a Scientific Darwinism. Chances are, it wasn't from reading about Darwin's finches or his box. For his "thinking" to have evolved from creationism's cretinous insistence on nothing older than 4,000 years, I speculate someone must have bullet-pointed for him that it takes millions of years to create crude oil.
The flat-earth foolishness of creationism has been forced to evolve into the hybrid theory called Intelligent Design. "The world was made by God" has morphed into "The universe was created by the Grand Designer." Which is so gay. I think God, the wink wink nudge nudge grand designer, is gay, but that was discussed in a previous sermonette.
Intelligent Design is the gayest theory since that darling Irrational Exuberance. Gay and lesbian people have mysteriously propagated for thousands of years without benefit of hand-me-down DNA. The only identifying genetic tag seems to be an orange AF tab and an ur-tendency toward multipocketedness. And all that can mutate inexplicably next spring. When we propagate now, we don't necessarily produce gay offspring. We have thrived and multiplied amid the most deleterious of conditions. We are magically known to each other through pheromones or feral moans. Despite hypothalamic studies, finger measurements, and gay designer-gene mappings, scientists cannot explain definitively what makes some lucky people gay. We just are.
That mysterious, magical je ne sais quoi-ness is the unprovable crux of Intelligent Design. Intelligent Design is gay. Name it and claim it. Loudly and often. Unlike us, it will be gone in six months.
Want more breaking equality news & trending entertainment stories?
Check out our NEW 24/7 streaming service: the Advocate Channel!
Download the Advocate Channel App for your mobile phone and your favorite streaming device!
From our Sponsors
Most Popular
Here Are Our 2024 Election Predictions. Will They Come True?
November 07 2023 1:46 PM
Meet all 37 of the queer women in this season's WNBA
April 17 2024 11:24 AM
17 Celebs Who Are Out & Proud of Their Trans & Nonbinary Kids
November 30 2023 10:41 AM
Here Are the 15 Most LGBTQ-Friendly Cities in the U.S.
November 01 2023 5:09 PM
Which State Is the Queerest? These Are the States With the Most LGBTQ+ People
December 11 2023 10:00 AM
These 27 Senate Hearing Room Gay Sex Jokes Are Truly Exquisite
December 17 2023 3:33 PM
10 Cheeky and Homoerotic Photos From Bob Mizer's Nude Films
November 18 2023 10:05 PM
42 Flaming Hot Photos From 2024's Australian Firefighters Calendar
November 10 2023 6:08 PM
These Are the 5 States With the Smallest Percentage of LGBTQ+ People
December 13 2023 9:15 AM
Here are the 15 gayest travel destinations in the world: report
March 26 2024 9:23 AM
Watch Now: Advocate Channel
Trending Stories & News
For more news and videos on advocatechannel.com, click here.
Trending Stories & News
For more news and videos on advocatechannel.com, click here.
Latest Stories
Tristan Snell, who brought down Trump University, sees conviction in hush money case
April 22 2024 7:36 PM
Joe Biden admin marks Earth Day with major environmental initiatives
April 22 2024 4:18 PM
Texas Gov. Greg Abbott: 'We want to end' trans and gender nonconforming teachers
April 22 2024 4:13 PM
Nonbinary 17-year-old killed two years after being reported missing
April 22 2024 3:46 PM
Pride
Yahoo FeedIndulge in luxury and sensuality with The Pride Store’s Taurus gift guide
April 22 2024 11:46 AM
The gay man leading the Earth Day Initiative offers hope for the future
April 22 2024 9:00 AM
Pattie Gonia takes drag and fierceness to Capitol Hill to voice environmental concerns
April 22 2024 8:23 AM
Jodie Foster leaves her mark in cement at L.A.'s Chinese Theatre
April 22 2024 7:55 AM
Climate change has a bigger impact on LGBTQ+ couples than straight couples. Here's how
April 22 2024 7:42 AM
Iraq postpones vote on bill punishing gay sex with death
April 20 2024 1:31 PM
Russian poetry contest bans entries from transgender poets
April 20 2024 1:25 PM
Here's who won 'RuPaul's Drag Race' season 16
April 20 2024 1:01 PM
The Tip Off: A beginners guide to the WNBA
April 20 2024 11:06 AM
John Fetterman challenges Pa. school board’s cancellation of talk by gay actor
April 19 2024 2:39 PM