Like a virgin

When did you lose your virginity? If the answer is a monologue rather than an age, you're not alone. A dozen queer Chicago youths ages 16 to 23 recently shared with us what virginity means to their generation, and their feedback highlighted the gulf between gay and straight concepts of "losin' it."

With our gay group, they decide what constitutes real sex, and they view virginity as a mental state, not just a physical condition.

Eric, 22, had his first sexual experience with a girl, and therefore it "didn't count." Tony, 18, also had hetero sex before the gay kind, but he didn't enjoy it and thus remained a virgin in his mind. And when "Skitlz," a 16-year-old lesbian, had sex with a man it was "not a real experience," so her chastity remains intact.

But when oral sex enters the discussion, virginity becomes more clearly defined along gender lines. All the young women we spoke to consider oral sex to be, well, sex. According to Ciara, a 20-year-old lesbian, "Virginity means innocence. Giving someone the ability to see you, touch you, taste you...that's losing your innocence."

The guys couldn't disagree more--to them, penetration is sex.

On this point gay men are on the same page with their straight peers, both male and female. A 2005 study by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed that over half of 15- to 19-year-olds have given or received oral sex. Other studies also indicate plenty of teens do not consider oral sex to be "sex"; as far back as 1991, 60% of university students polled by the Kinsey Institute in 29 states didn't think so.

But according to our respondents in Chicago, there is something every young person agrees on--virginity is not attractive. "My worst [sexual] experience was with a virgin. We had to discuss everything," says Zak, 19.

But, says our gay panel, straight people have incentive to remain somewhat more sexually innocent.

"Hetero kids grow up with the idea of a wedding, marriage, and kids--what do we get?" asks Skitlz. She feels the lack of legal recognition of gay relationships contributes to the devaluation of sex among LGBT people. "We've been taught not to think marriage," she says, "so sex is all we have."

Zak adds that many queer youths internalize stereotypes of the supersexualized homosexual: "We're told being gay is all about screwing, drinking, and listening to techno...just look at any gay magazine, even The Advocate."