Advice: Home for the Holidays with My New Boyfriend

Question: I’m so excited that the holidays are almost
here. My friends call me a “Christmas junkie” – that is, when they don’t refer
to me as “the gay Martha Stewart.” Maybe it’s because I’m still trying to
recreate that perfect Courier & Ives experience.   Anyway, here’s
my question for you (actually two questions): My boyfriend, Houston, and I are
going to my parents’ home for the holidays, and I haven’t come out to them yet.
I was thinking that I’d tell them about Houston and me once we’re already there,
but he isn’t so sure that’s a great idea. And then there’s the question of
where we sleep when we’re home. I think if my parents knew we were a couple
they’d split us up, but if they thought we were just friends they’d likely let
us bunk together in my old bedroom (twin beds). As you see, so many questions! 

Answer: Yes, so many
questions, so little time! If I understand your predicament correctly, your
parents think you’re straight and are visiting for the holidays with a buddy  – not a boyfriend. Now, at the last
minute, you’d like to change it up a little and come out to them, explain that
Houston isn’t just a friend but he’s your “friend,” and claim your childhood
bedroom as your fa-la-la-la-la love nest (no doubt pushing the twins into one
big bed).

Sorry, but this seems like a case of wanting to have your
pecan pie and eat it, too.

Let’s back up and take your dilemmas one at a time. Start
with these questions: What will be the most comfortable way to handle your
coming out for your boyfriend? The answer: Not holding him hostage or witness
to the conversation with your parents. What will be easiest on the parents when
 you tell them your double good
news? The answer: Not having someone they don’t know from Texas (sorry, I
couldn’t resist poking fun at Houston’s name) standing or sitting by as they
process your news.

Now, what to do? Although I’d usually suggest having the “Mom
and Dad, I’m gay” talk in person, you can do that on the phone or Skype with
them right away and still give them at least a couple of weeks to absorb what
you’ve told them (which may or may not be news to them, of course). With any
luck, they’ll ask you if there’s anyone special in your life right now, and
then you get to tell them all about Houston. “As a matter of fact there is….” In
this Courier and Ives world, they’ll tell you they can’t wait to meet this man
who makes your heart go pitter pat, and they hope you’ll be comfortable sharing
your old bedroom even if Dad throws in, “You know, son, that mattress is kind
of lumpy.”

Of course, not all coming-out talks go that way, and you may
run into some obstacles along the way. Just remember that, even though your
parents may have known for years that you’re gay, knowing it in your heart is
different from hearing it from your son. They’ll likely need time to process –
time that you really need to give them. So cut them a little slack and give
them time to deal.

As for your sleeping arrangements: In any situation when
you’re the guest, you got to play by the house rules. If your folks aren’t
comfortable with their son and his boyfriend sleeping together under their
roof, that’s their prerogative as unfair as it may be. You may not like it and,
in fact, you may decide as a result not to stay there (or even to visit). But,
again, it’s so much easier for everyone to have these conversations sooner than
later – and certainly before you’re about to head upstairs to bed and you all
realize, “Houston, we have a problem.”

Talk
about it: By
the way, I’ve seen the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation’s Thanksgiving
greeting, which called for making Aunt Betty feel “awkward” by coming out on
turkey day. As I’ve said, there are good times and not so good times to have
this conversation, and if you think it will be productive, I’m all for it. Let
me know what you did and how it turned out. 

Steven Petrow is the author of Steven
Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and can be found
online at www.gaymanners.com.
Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com
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