Lisa Lampanelli Will F**k You Up

By Greg Archer

Originally published on Advocate.com February 11 2009 12:00 AM ET

'Round and 'round
she goes, and where she stops, expect her to blow.
That’s pretty much how you can sum up savage insult
comic Lisa Lampanelli. The woman has been heralded as
the female Don Rickles -- with shades of TV’s
Archie Bunker tossed in for good measure -- and she spares
no one. An equal-opportunity offender, she’ll
verbally butcher Asians, Hispanics, African-Americans,
and LGBT people in her unabashed comedy routines.
Funny thing is, we all know she’s kidding… Or
is she?

Lampanelli leaves
no cultural stone unturned in her intoxicating first
HBO special, Lisa Lampanelli: Long Live the
Queen
, which airs on the network all month. In an
Advocate.com exclusive, the loveable “queen of
mean” rants about dating, whether or not she
would “do” Obama, her forthcoming book, and
why “homos” just love her so damn much.

Advocate.com: I would just like to say that I think you would make
a good Renta-Yenta.
Lisa Lampanelli: Absolutely. If I were a Jew
bitch. I’d be perfect.

But you’re an actress. You can pretend. That’s true. I mean, I am the best actor
-- in the world!

Please. You’re amazing. Hello! I wanna be on Broadway. I mean, that
big-headed dyke-a-saurus Rosie O’Donnell did
it.

Well… Hell, yes!

Too funny. Why do I think it would be fun to marry you? You know, people always say that -- except black
guys. They don’t wanna marry me, but they do
wanna stick it in.

Hmm. Well, we could have a lot in common. You like the chocolate love?

You know…What is that? They’re so hot. They’re in
great shape. And they have girth.

Always helps. Anyway, it is good to talk to you. You too, homo.

Lisa LAMPANELLI 02 Xlarge (GETTY) | ADVOCATE.COM 

And we should talk about business. Your very first
HBO special is outrageous. How easy, or hard, is it for
you to dive into the work you do?
I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about
stuff in real life and then I yell about it onstage,
and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What
I’ll do is tape-record it and it will end up coming
out even funnier. And I add more punch lines. I mean,
I don’t sit down at a goddamn computer and say,
"Whore, I am going to write some clever jokes
today.” I rant and rave and see what comes out.

So, it’s cathartic? Yeah. It’s not really like I’m
therapizing myself in front of the audiences, because
I have therapists that I pay. And the audiences pay to
see the show. I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy.
But at least it gets things out of my system in a
funny way.

That’s great. And you said therapists? Plural? I have two. I have a backup therapist. I have
two houses. I don’t know if you know this, but
I am pretty wealthy. I have two houses and two Toyota
Camrys, so I am pretty fuckin’ wealthy. I have a
shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in
case. You never know when you will have a breakdown.

That’s very smart. So, in your work, basically,
you get pissed off and you work it out. Are you pissed
off about something now?
I started dating again. I took a year and a half
off because I was very codependent. I dated people
from age 12 to 45 without a break. That’s 33
years. I should write a Broadway show: Love Addicts.
The closing number is “Boy, Is My Cunt
Tired.” Luckily, now that I have some
self-esteem, I’m trying out guys with jobs and stuff.
It's a huge upgrade. But I am still annoyed at the
dating process because all these guys are a huge
disappointment. Less of a disappointment from last week,
so I guess it keeps getting better.

What guy stands out for you now? Let’s see… I met this guy in L.A.
and he flew to Vegas to see me and he was so hot. He
was, maybe, the most gorgeous black guy I slept with, but
I didn’t really sleep with him because -- guess what?
-- he flies all the way to Vegas to see me and does
not bring a condom! What a fucking underachiever is
that? And then he’s like, “Instead of doing
that, why don’t I jerk off and you lick my
nipple!” I’m like, “What kind of gay
shit is that?” So I said, "Whatever … I might
as well make the best of it.” And then
he’s like, “No, no, not that one, the left
one.” Now, how frickin’ specific is that
bullshit? I have more button choices on my satellite
radio, OK! I am very angry at him.

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Oh my. Well, what about women? No. I wish I was [interested], because I get hit
on by so much hotter women than the guys who hit on
me. So, if I was going to jump onto the tuna boat, at
least I have a good catch. But sadly, I am not attracted to
them.

Why do you think your gay fans dig you? Because they hate themselves so much.
[Laughs] But I think the community likes me
because I am sort of like a big giant drag queen. And
I think you all think I use duct tape to get dressed. You
guys really do. You see the big tits and the big hair
-- they think I am one of them. Gay guys like that.
And also, gay guys do have extreme self-love or
self-hate, so in my show, that self-hate works because they
think they deserve to be called cornholes. But if they
have self-love, they’re like, “Wow,
she’s just kidding. She really loves us.”
[Sighs] Either way, the faggots flock to me.
Thank you, Jesus! And that’s the Jesus, by the
way, that’s sending you all to hell.

Are you very spiritual? Oh yes, I am. I get on my knees every night.

I thought so. The thing is, in the dating profiles it says
“spiritual,” but not with a specific
religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a
very hard time concentrating on things other than me. So if
the cunt in meditation class will play a tape of my
stand-up, I can mediate to it, but if there’s
some monk moaning, I don’t want to hear that. So I
don’t mediate. I do feel like I make the world
a better place, and if that isn’t spiritual,
dammit, I don’t know what is.

You must be excited about our new president. Well, I used to be until I found out what a
supreme racist Obama is. Uh, have you noticed? He has
a black wife. What the fuck is that shit? Basically,
he should date me, because I am a white chick with a big
ass. Unfortunately I have a black couch, and if he
were on it he would blend in and I wouldn’t see
him.

So you would do him? No. He’s a married man and I don’t
cheat. I am not a home-wrecker, you faggot! I keep it
on the down low.

Maybe it’s time for me to settle down too. Yeah. How old are you?

Forty. Yeah, it’s about time, faggot.

 LISA LAMPANELLI X390 (GETTY) | ADVOCATE.COM

 

You think? Uh, hello! You’re just being a whore! And
don’t be a big fuckin’ codependent. Did
your father hate you?

He’s dead. Oh God!

Yeah. Thank you very much. No problem. Better to have a dead father than a
father that hates you for sucking dick, right?

Right. I am very astute.

What are you most excited about these days? Well, I must tell you and you must already know
… that I am a very big-deal authoress. I have
written my autobiography, which is coming out
September 15, which is called Chocolate Please.
And it details black men I’ve had relationships with.
It kinda reads like Schindler’s List but
with a less happy ending. I am also excited about my
sitcom that I am putting together with Jim Carrey, a
TV series that we’re going to develop for HBO.
They love the pilot script that we submitted, and
eventually, hopefully, we will have a show there. So
cross your fingers, dirty homo. Or cross your nut
sacs.

They already are -- just for you. What are a few
things we don’t know about you?
Well, I am generous. What are those people
called? Philanthropists. Yeah. I donate a lot to the
NAACP and the Faggots Save the Gerbil Foundation.
It’s all pretty nice. And I also cry at a lot of
movies. And I also thought Roots was the best
comedy that was ever on TV.

Best advice you’ve been given about life? Well, Cher, ironically. Because I know how you
love Cher…

Eh -- I go in and out. Well, so does she. Now, here’s the deal
with Cher. She said, “I only answer to two
people: God and myself.” And I said, “Wow,
that’s how I am going to live my life.”
So I said, I am going to answer to one person: myself.
Because I am my own god, faggot. OK? I am my own Buddha,
Baby Jesus, and Jew all in one.

It’s true. We have it all inside of us. You gotta
let it all out. What’s the most interesting thing
you’ve learned about yourself lately?
Hmm. Good question. Well, let me think. I
don’t learn anything about myself. I went to
rehab for food issues about six months ago, and I
explored things about myself, and pretty much I, like, shut
the door and went, “OK, let’s not learn
anymore! Who cares what happened as a kid. You better
start living now and stop over-eating, you fat dyke!”

I can’t think of a better place to end, but I
have to ask, Do you enjoy being called the female Don
Rickles or Archie Bunker?
Absolutely. Because Don Rickles is a very funny
Jew bastard and he’s one of my heroes, and
anytime you are compared to a hero you’re like,
"Wow! I can’t believe I'm mentioned in the same
sentence." And actually, the Archie Bunker thing is
weird -- because my penis is a lot bigger.

I heard it has a lot of girth. Dude -- shaped like a tuna can!