Miss Calif. Should Watch Glee, Not Tyra

By Dave White

Originally published on Advocate.com May 01 2009 12:00 AM ET

I used to really like
that show
Popular.

Set in a high school where people were blunt and hilarious and
mean and at times flat-out not-of-this-earth in a way you never
see on television. Like there was a girl on the show who lived
in a restroom stall. Stuff like that. But it went away, and
then for some reason I never watched creator Ryan Murphy's
other stuff. I've never seen an episode of
Nip/Tuck.

I hear it's good. Only so many hours in the day, etc. That's my
catchall excuse for not watching something people talk about a
lot. But I've already seen the first episode of
Glee

.

I saw it because I'm on
the Fox mailing list for some reason and, in addition to the
American Idol

gumball machine I've abandoned to the thrift store, I get
advance DVDs from them. If you watched television for a living,
you'd get this sort of thing in the mail too. You'd also get
Kiefer Sutherland action figures. Those are funny. His plastic
face is all "TERRORISM!"

Secondly, I like the
name
Glee.

It weeds out the audience right from the start.

And then there's the
whole thing about it being
Popular

but with singing. Maybe a little -- OK, a LOT -- sweeter than
Popular.

And in just the right way it's also the kind of corny that
would be deadly in the wrong hands. The kind where you feel
sort of like a dork for admitting that you're watching it.
Because by the time you get to the end of the first episode (it
airs after the
Idol

finale in a couple weeks) and they sing that Journey song --
and no, that's not too much of a spoiler, because you see them
doing it in the commercial -- if you're even the least bit
susceptible to being in love with a goofy TV show, then you're
going to be in it real hard. And then what? We have to wait
until fall for the rest of it? That's my only beef at the
moment. It's going in my TiVo regardless, but dang. I can catch
up on the rest of those
Mad Men

episodes this summer, I suppose.

Speaking of TiVo, mine
died. So everything I normally watch for this column got eaten.
I planned to check out
Tyra

's "Gay Kingdom" episode, which is part of her ongoing
"social experiment" series. Have you seen any of these yet?
They're like if a bunch of fifth-graders studied sociology and
had to do a show-and-tell project with people they recruited
based on their propensity for engaging in constant
malapropism.

Fortunately, I found it
all on YouTube, and what I learned is that everyone is
xenophobic and stupid and that all varieties of queers hate
each other. Except Hedda Lettuce, who just hates not being the
center of attention. Tyra, oddly enough, found her panel of
gays (a lipstick lesbian, a butch lesbian, a feminine gay guy,
a masculine gay guy, a bisexual guy, a transgender woman, and
Hedda Lettuce) to be somewhat reactionary and conservative and
called them on it, before wondering aloud why all you ever see
on TV are feminine lesbians and feminine gay men.

Answer for the CEO of
Bankable Productions: Straight men still run television.

Ross Mathews x390 (screen grab) | advocate.com

While I waited for the
replacement TiVo to show up, I got to watch some TV in real
time. So many shows are on the air that I've never seen or
heard of. Like that sitcom with David Spade. About some people
who are married, I think. Who watches that? I'll watch Sci Fi
Channel movies like
Mansquito

over and over before I get to shows like that, which could be
part of the problem.

But I was grateful to
real-time network television for the chance to enjoy Hilary
Duff go gritty but still have perfect hair on an episode of
Law & Order: SVU.

She was the young, trashy, irresponsible party girl who leaves
her infant with a person she doesn't know and then the kid gets
killed. It was great, a Max Fischer Players version of
Gone Baby Gone.

When Hilary whines in her best one-note delivery, "I DIDN'T
KILL MY BABY!" not only do you finally get the petulance she
was going for in the comedy
Material Girls,

where she played a spoiled heiress alongside her sister Haylie,
but you understand the deep, brave emotions of motherhood that
much better.

Getting back to Tyra's
observation about the feminine gay man's ubiquity in the media,
I also saw
Inside Dish With Ross Mathews.

It's his Web series that looks like it's made in the corner of
someone's studio apartment. Ross was that squealy gay kid who
was Ross the Intern on
The Tonight Show

where the joke was that he was super-excited about everything
and really, really gay.

That's still Ross's
thing. But now he gets to dress in a jacket and really nice
plaid necktie while interviewing Beyoncé about nothing
much at all. Some people are going to hate Ross for how he is.
Not me.

First of all, I'm
fascinated by extremely high-pitched voices in grown men. And
Ross's is high like in the way that people will think you're
trying fake to be a lady on the phone. And I
appreciate his aesthetic-of-emptiness approach to celebrities.
He just wants to pal around. I don't think he asked
Beyoncé one real question about
Obsessed.

Because really, who cares about the typical boring movie junket
question and rote answer besides the local news and
Extra

? No one, that's who. It's a better deal to sing "Halo" in
her presence to see how she reacts. Some may call you a
regression, Ross, but I know you're just out there hustlin' for
that paper.

And yes, I'm late to
the party on this one, but isn't Miss California awesome? She's
crazy tall with those big round fakeys we all enjoy so much,
got that snotty smelled-a-fart face on all the time when she's
not fake-smiling or telling journalists that their questions
for her are "inappropriate" in that way that only
conservative evangelicals can.

But I don't get the
fuss. In her original statement to Perez Hilton she said what
made the country great was that you could choose same-sex
marriage or "opposite" marriage. Which means she's for us
being able to get married to whomever we choose, right? That's
how I heard it.

Meanwhile her
commercial for the NOM NOM NOM people is also kind of amazing.
She's just one pie in the face away from being a Halloween
costume this fall.