Gaysayer's Jaded Hearts Club 

By Advocate.com Editors

Originally published on Advocate.com February 13 2012 6:45 PM ET

Valentine’s Day can feel like a knife in the hearts of single people. The thought of entwined lovers filling the streets is enough to make you want to treat yourself to an entire pizza, bunker down underneath the covers and sob into your body pillow for the next 24 hours. To help you cope, we’ve asked some of our @Gaysayer comedians to share their insecure tales of romance and regret.

 

How Do You Keep The Romance Alive? 

 

“My dildo and I mix it up occasionally and invite people
over.”
Jami
Smith, @jamismithcomic
 

 

 

“I try to poop at work whenever possible.”
Brian
Raimondo, @mursebrianrn
 

 

 

“I pretend I'm Newt Gingrich and my wife has cancer and
they're my hot, understanding mistress (or mistrer).”
Travon Free,
@travonfree
 

 

 

“Cialis in his cereal.”
Darienne
Lake, @dariennelake
 

 

 

“Keep paying the 4.95 per minute.”
Jack
Mackenroth, @jackmackenroth
 

 

 

“Like anything else on life support: paying thousands of
dollars to keep something alive that should be dead.”
Chris
Hooker, @wordsofahooker
 

 

 

“By installing a carbon monoxide detector in the basement
your boyfriend is locked in. And don't forget to feed him!”
Pete Beat,
@petebeat
 

 

 

“By not choking him out. Oh and Sade.”
Justin
Martindale, @justmartindale
 

 

 

“By covering my naked body in chocolate so when he gets home
and screams ‘Who are you get the fuck out of my house,’ I'll have something to
eat for the drive home.”
Zackary Ross, @zackblows 

 

 

“Pregnancy scares. It makes my wife feel virile.”
Laughing
Lesbian, @laughinglesbian
 

 

 

“We have an open relationship with produce.”
Alison
Egert, @alisonisfunny
 

VALENTINES JADED HEARTS X560 (PHOTOS) | ADVOCATE.COM

I Love You Because… 

 

“My penis is bigger.”
Brian
Raimondo, @mursebrianrn
 

 

 

“I'm afraid of getting back into the dating scene.”
Jeffrey
Jay, @HeyJeffreyJay
 

 

 

“Your hand fits perfectly inside of me.”
Jessica
Halem, @jessicahalem
 

 

 

“I save all my hate for the Kardashians.”
Shawn
Hollenbach, @shawnhollenbach
 

 

 

“You seem completely unaware that I can see into your
bathroom from my kitchen window.”
Pete Beat,
@petebeat
 

 

 

“We can wear the same jeans. (I don't even like you,
anymore, though. It just seems dumb to leave when we can share all of these
jeans.)”
Jill
Kushner, @thejillkushner
 

 

 

“You like to do fun things after we sleep together like play
hide and go seek. You’re really good at it, still searching after six months!”
Zackary Ross,
@zackblows
 

 

“You don't make up songs after sex.”
Lianna Carrera,
@liannac
 

 

 

“You have tickets to Liza Minnelli at the Hollywood Bowl.”
—  Chris Schleicher, @cschleichsrun 

 

 

“Our bed is taking longer to die than Terry Schiavo.”
Alison
Egert, @alisonisfunny
 

VALENTINES I Love You Because… (Kardashian) X560 (PHOTOS getty) | ADVOCATE.COM

 

I Regret Saying… 

 

“My ex says I look happy. Our work here is done.”
Jami
Smith, @jamismithcomic
 

 

 

“Sure let's live together for a third time!”
Justin Martindale,
@justmartindale
 

 

 

“‘I want to give birth to your ass babies.’ I’m not good at
pillow talk. I totally panicked.”
Brian
Raimondo, @mursebrianrn
 

 

 

“‘Sure, I can take the whole thing.’ The first 7 inches was
consensual.”
Darienne
Lake, @dariennelake
 

 

 

“‘If we leave now, we can totally make it to Pottery Barn to
register for our wedding!!’ on a first date.”
Zackary Ross,
@zackblows
 

 

 

“Of course I'll get the tattoo first!"
Lianna Carrera,
@liannac
 

 

 

“Why do we need gay marriage when we have ‘Harness Night’ at
The Rawhide?”
Frank
Liotti, @Frank_Liotti
 

 

 

“I was a top. It was just a fleeting idea that I really had
no intention of following through on. 
I'm sorry I misled you all.”
Jessica
Halem, @jessicahalem
 

 

 

“Jesus! How many years did you breastfeed?”
Alison
Egert, @alisonisfunny
 

VALENTINES I Regret Saying… X560 (PHOTOS) | ADVOCATE.COM

 

Worst Reason I Ever Broke Up With Someone… 

 

“I once had a boyfriend take a tube of Neosporin out of my
medicine cabinet and bring it with him it on a business trip — without asking
me. I didn't notice until I was doing a little manscaping and nicked myself in
the balls. I ended it on the spot.”
Adam Sank,
@adamsank
 

 

 

“He had grey pubic hair.”
H. Alan Scott,
@halanscott
 

 

 

“She wasn't a boy. I figured a few things out that year.”
Jeffrey
Jay, @HeyJeffreyJay
 

 

 

“He sounded silly when he cried. He sounded like a clown
horn, I couldn’t stop laughing.”
Peter Depp,
@peterdepp
 

 

 

“Because they put the toilet paper roll on facing in.”
Travon Free,
@travonfree
 

 

 

“Because my camp counselor wouldn't leave his wife.”
Jack
Mackenroth, @jackmackenroth
 

 

 

“They were crazy and by that I mean they broke up with me
because I was crazy, and by that I mean my psychiatrist changed my meds, and by
that I mean my boyfriend was just a figment of my imagination.”
Zackary Ross,
@zackblows
 

 

 

“I once stayed with a guy for an extra few weeks because I
knew I was going to need a ride to the airport.”
—  Chris Schleicher, @cschleichsrun 

 

 

“I had actually fallen asleep with her sitting on my face.”
Jessica Halem, @jessicahalem