Please, Take the X Out of Xmas

By Christopher Harrity

Originally published on Advocate.com December 23 2013 5:30 AM ET

Last year we begged you godless "Happy Holidays" types to please refrain from making the big guy's birthday a season of strumpets. Remember, St. Nicholas is a fourth-century saint, not a spray-tanned go-go boy. Must we show you more examples of how not to behave on the holidays? All right, then, if we must. This year we think videos will make better instructional aids.

'Show Your Joe' Kmart Commercial

The most popular example this year forces one to picture the genitals of muscular young men swinging in loose fitting foundation garments. Bells on bobtails ring — in hell!

The Chippendales' Christmas Jingle Bells

Evidently this Christmas clapper action trick has been around for a while. Apparently the advertising folks at Kmart have been visiting male stripper clubs. These dancers will get coal in their thongs on Christmas morn, I promise.

Holiday Hunks With Andrew Christian

Wait, what!?! How can a man with such a nice last name be such a porn merchant?

Sexy Santa Surprise Prank

If you like watching the Christmases of total strangers ruined for a lifetime by a rather muscular security guard, enjoy this video.

Ellen: Sexy Santa in Blindfolded Musical Santa Chairs!

Dear God, not Ellen? We so love her clean wholesome lifestyle with her roommate Portia. Now this — heterosexual humiliation for daytime ratings.

Sexy Santa Video Photos

How very helpful that someone has put together an (exhaustive!) compilation of exactly the kind of Santa/Satan images we so loathe. Thanks, dear YouTuber.

Gay Muscle Santa

Another compilation. Well, it seems this YouTube thing is a cornucopia of holiday degradation. The white-fur-trimmed hot pants do have charm.

Sexy Santa and the Andrew Christian Doll Factory

All right, Andrew not-so-Christian, you just stop it. And all you readers out there, both hands on the keyboard where I can see them.

Mi Querido Santa Claus/My Dear Santa Claus

If you get impatient, go to 3:18.

Xmas in Puerto Rico

Now, this video is in the margin. It is simply a young Puerto Rican man showing his love of the season. In dance. Shirtless. Perhaps it's warmer in Puerto Rico in December.

Get Enrolled

These Democrats will do anything to get your attention. Including the sexualization of health care by bulging near-naked whore-elves. But seriously, have you enrolled?

See further research material here:

No Sexy Santas, Ever!
We implore you. Think about the children.