Originally published on Advocate.com April 25 2014 7:01 AM ET
Clueless Reader: I have no idea what to wear for my first date, any suggestions?
Clueless Zack: It's always important to accentuate your best features. For instance, if you have a great ass, it's time to dust off those assless chaps that you haven't worn since last year's Pride parade. Don't have any good features? Just send somebody else in your place! It may be 2014, but catfishing is still very “in.” Good luck!
I met this guy on a phone hookup app and he seems nice but all he wants to do is have sex. How do I get him to commit to a serious long-term relationship?
You met a guy using a shady hook-up app and all he wants to do is bang? Bet that's never happened before. Do you also get surprised when snacks come out of vending machines? He doesn't want a relationship, so it's best to just part ways after you get the PIN to his debit card. You'll thank me later.
How many times a day can I text and call a guy that I like without looking desperate?
Try 97. It gives the impression that you're persistent and definitely not needy. If he doesn't answer any of them, call in an Amber Alert. He's probably been kidnapped.
I've been with my boyfriend for five years but he still hasn't proposed to me. What kind of hints should I drop to let him know I'm ready for marriage?
Turn on the waterworks and lie about having terminal feline leukemia. Hello, have you never seen A Walk to Remember? If it can work for Mandy Moore, it's going to work for you.
Send your requests for terrible dating advice to Zack on Twitter at @Zackblows. He puts his shoes on one foot at a time just like everybody else doing the walk of shame.