By Tyler Curry
Originally published on Advocate.com January 24 2014 7:00 AM ET
In the homo history books, straight women have always held a cherished role in the road to acceptance for gays around the globe. They were holding our hand on our first trip to the gay bars, they went to the prom with us even though they knew they weren’t going to get lucky, and they are still our dinner dates when our boyfriends are nowhere to be found. Yes, it is no secret that gay men and straight women can often be a match made in platonic heaven.
Unfortunately, some of these precious ladies take on a more insidious tone when they inappropriately co-opt the experience of being a gay man or treat us like objects instead of friends. A few might have started off as allies, but somewhere along the way, they evolved into these six types of broads who are a nuisance, a bother, and an altogether bitch for gay men to put up with.
These are the six straight women that gay men should avoid — at all costs.
This female barhopper might be talking to you, but her eyes are drifting somewhere around the cleavage of your pectorals. The consummate flirt, she would never let something so silly as homosexuality get in the way of her appetite for some man meat. For some reason, this grabby girl assumes gay men don’t mind her unwarranted crotch-cupping or butt-grabbing. And if you are drunk enough to entertain this voracious vixen, she might just try and stick her tongue down your throat.
Listen, Lady Fingers, keep your hands where we can see them.
It might just be happy hour on a Tuesday night, but this material girl wants you to notice every single flashy label that she has piled on. The sun is going down, but her Dior sunglasses are still perfectly in place. The weather is pleasant, but she is showcasing her latest fur stole. From her blond extensions to her red-bottomed shoes, this showboat is an example of vapid marketing at its worst. But what’s worse is that she believes all gay men are just as obsessed with fashion and labels as she is and she expects you to worship the Louboutins that she walks on.
Not all gay men care about your ensemble, but most of us can quote one famous line from the immortal Coco Chanel: “Before you leave your house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.” In Polly’s case, she should probably take off two or three.
Long Island Lucy
This lush of a lady doesn’t get to play with the gays very often. So when she does, it’s a no-holds-barred race to the bottom of the liquor bottle and she always wins. In her mind, a gay bar is a free pass to get as sloppy as possible without judgment because, “Hey, they’re gay!” But as she stumbles around the bar and spills her fifth martini on just about everyone but her, rest assured that just about everyone is reading her for filth. No one finds this fun or amusing, especially as she continues to proclaim her love for all gay men (over and over). By temporarily losing her respect for herself, she inadvertently reveals her lack of respect for her so-called friends.
Look around, honey. It’s only 10 o’clock and you are the only one on the dance floor. Just call a cab and try again another time.
Like any queen, Bea has a plethora of loyal subjects who drink the kingdom Kool-Aid. But for those who aren’t living in fear under her reign, this tyrant can be a royal pain in the ass. She walks around with her nose in the air, with as much gossip as her big hair can hold. With her air of superiority, she snubs just about everyone that she deems unsuitable to be in her court. She’s rude, she is entitled, and she doesn’t realize that being queen of the gay bars is nothing to be proud of.
Listen, Bea, you might want to find some humility and smile once in a while before a real queen decides it is off with your head.
This gloomy girl only ventures out to the gay bars when her latest love has grown tired of her gray cloud. It would be one thing for this sad hat to stay at home with one or two of her closest gay best friends and cry over a bottle of white zinfandel. But no, she feels the need to put on a pair of heels and invite everyone in town to her pity party. It’s the classic bait and switch. She suckers her prey in with a smile and a shot, only to launch into the epically boring story about how her love life is in shambles. In the first five minutes, that homo she is latched onto may find sympathy for this emotional wreck. But 15 minutes later, it’s apparent to everyone in the bar as to why Sobbing Samantha is newly single … again.
"Psst… Hey there. Are you single? My friend over there thinks you are really cute."
This innocent little annoyance almost isn’t even to blame. Mary means well and is only carrying out the bidding of some wimpy boy hiding in the corner and sucking down a cocktail. But even though she is only operating in the name of love, she isn’t doing anyone any favors. For the guy she is speaking on behalf of, she is only enabling her friend’s inability to grow some balls in the face of possible rejection. And for the unsuspecting hottie that she is approaching? Well, let's just say that if he was interested, both the girl and the little mouse in the corner would already know.
If Mary Matchmaker becomes Mary Make-The-Move-Yourself, she can certainly hang around our cocktail tables.
For the most part, a straight woman can often be a gay man’s most trusted supporter, confidant, and friend. But just like for us homos, or any other group, there will always be a couple of bad bananas in the bunch. Luckily, no matter how obscenely exasperating these women can be, there is someone for everyone. So ladies, let me introduce you to these six gay men.
Illustrations by Clarion Gutierrez
TYLER CURRY created the Needle Prick Project as an editorial and visual campaign to elicit a candid and open conversation on what it means to be HIV-positive today. To learn more about the Needle Prick Project, visit Facebook.com/getpricked or follow Tyler Curry on Facebook or Twitter at @iamtylercurry.