By Frank Lowe
Originally published on Advocate.com June 11 2014 5:30 AM ET
With Father’s Day around the corner, everyone is forced to buy Dad yet another gift he’ll forget about within a day. Take it from this gay dad, the rules are a little different for us.
Save the ties and grill-related items for your hetero dad, and make sure to put some thought into his gift. The consequences are too severe if you fuck this up — getting a cold shoulder from a gay dad could send you to therapy. Luckily for you, I’ve created this guide to gift giving that will not only ensure he is happy but will also get you better gifts in the future.
And don’t forget, it's not OK to buy one gift for a couple, you have to buy two. Get those wallets out and prepare to go into some serious credit card debt.
1. American Horror Story: Coven on Blu-ray ($54; available for preorder)
Chances are good that he has already watched and rewatched and worshipped this season. Preorder the Blu-ray to ensure that it will arrive on his doorstep the day it is released. Caution: may cause him to go on and on and on about Jessica Lange's fabulousness for the entirety of the day. Additionally, he may try to use bitchcraft on you and succeed.
2. Clarisonic Mia electronic facial brush ($99)
This one is a no-brainer. Just tell him it keeps him looking young. Available in more colors than a Volkswagen Beetle, this little wonder uses sonic technology to detoxify and exfoliate your face. Used daily, it can dramatically slow down the effects of aging, which will dramatically slow down his bitching about aging. Special clue: Get it in his favorite color and have it personally engraved with the name by which you refer to him.
3. Gucci driving shoes (from $460)
Want him to giggle like a little schoolgirl? Nothing is more frivolous and simultaneously practical as a pair of Gucci drivers. Where style and comfort meets, these gems will make his summer wardrobe complete and have everybody at the PTA meetings staring. The only thing better than having a beautiful soul is having a beautiful sole.
4. Bose QuietComfort 15 Acoustic Noise Cancelling Headphones ($299.95)
Because let's face it, you are most likely loud as fuck and annoy the hell out of him. With or without music, these babies work like a charm to block out all that craziness. Sure, they're not as popular as Beats, but he won't care once he gives these a whirl. These are truly considered the best in the category — you just put them on and blissfully tune out the world. Bye, Felicia.
5. Bonobos Slim Straight Premium Denim (from $145)
Here's a product literally made for gay dads — these are the antithesis of "dad jeans" and the description contains both the words "slim" and "straight." These are American made and built to last. To look like the extra cool kid, remind him to rarely wash them, and when he does, turn them inside out first to retain the broken-in effect. In no time these will be his favorite jeans because everyone will compliment his ass.
6. Grey Goose vodka (approx. $30/bottle)
Save the scotch for your straight dad, and give gay daddy exactly what he wants. Give this to him early in the morning to ensure a happy, fun day. That being said, don't stick around for evening when the Goose wears off and he realizes that was all you gave him. If you really want to make him happy, buy him all five of the flavors and have a "Goose sampling." And yes, I insist this is the best brand of vodka despite what anyone else tells you. Grey Goose gets the bae loose.
7. Tom Ford Private Blend fragrances (from $210)
Skip that mall cologne and opt for something that will really make him smell phenomenal. Hard to find and limited in number, these private blend fragrances are above and Beyoncé. My personal favorite is Oud Wood, a scent so masculine and musky that it truly turns heads. He will want to take a bath in these, but remind him to spray once in the air and then walk into it so he wears the fragrance and the fragrance doesn't wear him.
8. Apple iPad mini with Retina display (from $399)
Sure, he probably already has the regular-size iPad, but most likely not the mini. I consider this the ideal size because you can tote it around with relative ease. It's small and inconspicious enough that you can watch Orange Is the New Black during your kid's soccer game and no one will notice. It's large enough that he won't have to squint at the screen, which he'll love because those reading glasses can stay tucked away.
9. Prada tote (from $2,050)
If you have deep enough pockets, and I mean really deep, give him the ultimate gift — a luxurious tote bag. Prada makes them masculine enough that they resemble briefcases, and they are so durable you can run over them with your car and not notice a difference (don't try this). If he doesn't already have a man bag, this would make a perfect first. Totes are ideal because you can just grab and go, and not have to worry about fussy straps. If he loves it, makes sure to crack a Devil Wears Prada joke, which at that point he totally won't mind.
10. One-way ticket to Sweden (from $653)
Because, have you seen the men?
FRANK LOWE is The Advocate’s parenting writer. Follow Frank on Twitter @GayAtHomeDad and on Instagram at gayathomedad.