By Amity P. Buxton

Originally published on Advocate.com May 12 2009 12:00 AM ET

Stark and slick,
Outrage

makes a piercing, sobering indictment of the hypocrisy of
closeted gay politicians who, in their straight persona, deny
their fellow gays equality and justice by voting against gay
rights ranging from hate-crime protections to same-sex
marriage to adoptions by gay and lesbian parents. America
is not well led, nor are its populations well served
by politicians who seek power and forget the truth of who they
are. The betrayal of their own integrity as gay persons in
order to gain political power and the subsequent use of that
power to cause harm to gay and lesbian citizens is enough to
raise our adrenaline. Yet below the layers of the film's
crisscrossing of personal and political events lies a side
story of betrayal and pain that also needs to be addressed. I
fear it may get lost amid the core message of the
film.

I'm not referring to
the individual snapshots of the private relationships and
straight-faced denials of men like Idaho senator Larry Craig
and Florida governor Charlie Crist, who engage in double talk
when their same-sex activities are revealed. No, the side story
that needs to be raised to a higher level of awareness is that
of the straight wives who find themselves in the glass closets
of politicians who rose in the ranks to take the helm of a
state government or to represent their constituencies in the
House of Representatives or the Senate by denying who they
were. The wives' stories spotlight the costs paid by everyone
in a family and community when a gay person feels obliged to
hide who he or she is and pretend to be someone else in order
to be accepted and gain power. More important, their story is a
cautionary tale that reveals the far-reaching damage done by
antigay attitudes and heterosexist expectations that still
prevail in America.

We get glimpses in the
film of the impact of closeting on the women in these men's
lives. The few we see, like the wives of Senator Craig and
Governor Crist, look stunned or disbelieving when their
husbands are found in compromising situations. We see former
New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey's wife, frozen in place in
her light blue suit beside him as he announces to a national TV
audience, "I am a gay American." The three women are but a
tiny fraction of the up to 2 million straight wives (and
husbands) in the United States who were or are married to gay
or lesbian partners. Altogether, they form an invisible
minority, an untold chapter in the history of the gay
movement.

As long as gay husbands
stay carefully closeted and deny they are gay -- even
if their after-hours gay-related activities or same-sex
relationships are sighted -- their wives remain in the dark,
especially if they are preoccupied with raising their children.
Some may become suspicious, but typically continue to trust,
having no reason to think their husbands wouldn't be the
straight persons they present to them, their family, and the
community. Some also fear what people would think or say if the
men turned out to be gay, given prevalent stigmatization,
stereotyping, and homophobia. Yes, many people, gay and
straight alike, refuse to believe that "the wife didn't
know." But based on the 25,000-plus spouses with whom I have
been in contact since 1986, most have no clue, and if someone
raises the possibility, many dismiss it. "After all, he
married me and we have children."

As the politicians in
the film come out of hiding, they feel liberated. Former
governor McGreevey shares his happiness from being totally
immersed in and empowered by the truth. Meanwhile, his former
wife, Dina Matos McGreevey, in her short segment, speaks of the
destruction of her and her daughter's lives that followed his
truth-telling. Her words echo those spoken by the tens of
thousands of straight spouses who seek help from the Straight
Spouse Network after their husbands or wives come out or are
found out. Once they find out the truth about their mates,
their own identity, integrity, and belief system are shattered.
Trust, hope, and a sense of reality disappear. At this point in
the marital relationship, the tables turn. While the gay
spouses, freed from guilt, shame, and fear, no longer fear
"outing," their straight partners find themselves in the
closet, blaming themselves, hurt and fearful as they deal with
a lie they didn't know they were living, one that torpedoes
their lives as they believed them to be. As their gay partners
move on to a fulfilled, truthful life, they go through their
own struggle to find whatever truth is buried in the leftover
debris.

The straight spouses of
the politicians in
Outrage

may be a side story in the film, but their experience is just
as devastating on a personal level as the effect of the
politicians' hypocrisy is on their fellow gay men and lesbians
and their constituents -- and is just as related to the need
for the acceptance and equality of gay people. The struggle of
straight wives as they try to rebuild their destroyed
self-concept, moral compass, and assumptions about gender, sex,
marriage, and their future mirrors that of their partners.
However, their confusion and pain is not caused by their own
moral and sexual dilemma, but rather by their husband's hiding
of identity and belief system in the face of the women's
trust, the core of a marital relationship. At the same time,
wives fear rejection by friends and family, fellow workers,
community members, and fellow congregants in their churches,
temples, or mosques -- as their husbands did. If they dare tell
anyone, the typical responses either minimize their issues or
question why they didn't know their mates were gay. Friends,
family members, and professionals, including
therapists and clergy, do not understand their unique issues.
As a result, many go back into their spouses' closet to cope
alone Some seek help and find the sole support system available
to them in the Straight Spouse Network. Even so, they are
isolated locally, coping with complex concerns by themselves.
Isolated, they remain invisible, their voices unheard, while
their husbands find not only support to heal but also venues in
which to express their truth.

The experience of
straight spouses, first hidden in their partners' closets and
then overlooked in the excitement of their husbands' or wives'
breaking out, affords us a personal window onto a rising
conflict in our society that needs to be faced head on. Their
trauma can be traced back to the prevailing mind-set about
traditional marriage and antigay attitudes and stereotypes
still found in many parts of our country. That is where we need
to direct our outrage and take action to change the status quo.
Anger at the hypocrisy in the film has to extend to the
underlying negative attitudes about homosexuality and gay
people in our society. These attitudes say, often louder than
words, that being gay is a detriment to success
-- thereby propelling hopeful gay politicians into the
glass closet, where they do harm to fellow gay and lesbian
Americans as well as betray their own integrity.

If we could take action
to help more people in more communities to comprehend the
reasons why many gay men marry unsuspecting women, they might
grasp the deep connection between, on the one hand, the
tragedies for everyone involved in these marriages and the
hypocrisy of gay people in the public square, and on the other
hand, their own role in causing these tragic stories by their
encouragement of heterosexual marriage and discouragement of
anyone's being gay or lesbian.

At a national level,
the film's exposure of the harm done by closeted gay
politicians is a rallying cry for outrage and activism against
hypocrisy. As Barney Frank and Tammy Baldwin state and
demonstrate by their own behavior, it's one's character
and devotion to the common good that matter. May
Outrage

also be a wake-up call to increase awareness of the harm done
to straight spouses and children in mixed-orientation
marriages, attitudes that make it difficult for gay persons to
be who they are. Most important, may it encourage gay men and
lesbians to come out to their family, friends, and communities,
a strategy that will lead to dissipating stereotypical
assumptions about gay people and antigay attitudes. That is the
social change needed for electing more honest leaders at the
state and national level, benefiting us all.

In the end, increased
acceptance and welcoming of gay men and lesbians as equal
members of our communities will lead to stronger governmental
institutions with leaders of integrity who can implement
American ideals. Acceptance will also diminish societal
pressures for gay men or lesbians to enter heterosexual
marriages as the "right thing to do," only to later
reveal their truth, which in the majority of cases triggers
divorce -- an act that truly does weaken the
institution of marriage.

Once accepted
universally as individuals or government leaders, gay and
lesbian persons can help America as a nation and all Americans
to create a society based on truth, one that provides equality
and justice for all.