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17 Tips for Being a Better Top

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2. Stop calling experienced bottoms “loose.”

The idea of being “loose” is something implicitly linked to shame. How many jokes have you heard about loose butts and the guys who reportedly have them?

It’s pretty cruel: You’re a new bottom and your ass is “tight,” meaning you have not learned how to train the anal spinchter to relax or open on command. Your tight ass might feel good for tops, but it makes sex more painful for you, and it will take you longer to get used to the feeling of getting fucked.

But you practice, and you get better. You use toys and learn ass-stretching techniques and practice with Ben Wa balls and kegel balls and butt plugs, and gradually you learn how to take dicks like a champ, which inevitably means learning how to open and close your hole (your anal spinchter) on command.

Then some asshole top comes along and says he doesn’t like loose bottoms — or worse, he calls your ass loose. He’s essentially shaming you for getting better at what you enjoy doing.

The idea that “loose” holes are weakened or overworked through too much sex is simply false. If you can train the spinchter to open on command, you can also close it, and this means the muscle is stronger now than before. Like any muscle, if you work it, it strengthens. Guys get called “loose” when they’ve learned how to flex — and have strengthened — a muscle.

If you have marathon sex and have been opening that muscle all night, it will get tired, and then it will open more easily, and you will start to feel loose — a feeling that can be hot for bottoms as for tops who like used holes (a fetish for many people). For some bottoms — myself included — this temporary, post-marathon-sex “loose” feeling is part of the fun, as is the act of nursing your wrecked hole the next day. It is erotic on a different level that fist pigs and toy pigs can understand. But even at this point, I would not appreciate being called “loose” in a derogatory manner, because there is nothing shameful about bottoming all night.

Honestly, if a guy’s sex skills are so poor that he needs a tight, novice ass to get pleasure out of sex, that’s his problem, not mine.

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