I'm not a fan of the term "blow job." It sounds silly and clownish. "Giving head" sounds dirtier and more adult. The word is subtle enough to slip into a Leonard Cohen song ("Chelsea Hotel No. 2") yet explicit as a descriptor: You are giving someone something. You are offering an intimate part of your body -- your mouth, your breath, your voice.
Expert head queens are to be revered. These are people who truly, unabashedly love sucking dick. The rest of us regular people have to learn, and the only way to learn is to practice. And practice. And practice.
On your knees! It's time for a lesson. These are tips and pointers that anyone of any gender can appreciate -- 24 tips for giving amazing head.
My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.
Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.
For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.
Don't just dive in. Go slow. Draw it out. Give a preamble of what's to come. The full range of intimate body-on-body experience is yours to use, so don't feel like you have to fit into a prescribed, hackneyed script, which you may think goes something like this: make-out session, followed by a blow job, then possibly a rim job, with a finale of penetrative sex that ends in orgasm.
Yawn. There's so much you can do to get comfortable and excited -- even before the clothes come off. I love kissing and touching. This can be the most intimate part of sex. Drawing out those early touches, those first stray hands, builds excitement and anticipation and confidence.
Most everywhere men have insecurities about their penises -- especially since we live in a world that fetishes and glorifies big ones, bigger than most men have. Also, most guys over a certain age struggle to stay very hard, and must of us take a while getting there.
Let me say from firsthand experience: It's difficult to get out of your head and stop worrying about your dick to the point that you can actually relax and enjoy yourself. In my experience, the longer I draw out the preamble, the less pressure I feel to perform in the moment. I can only get hard if I don't feel like someone is tapping their foot, waiting for it to happen.
Go slow, and let the moment evolve naturally without an end goal in sight.
2. Foreplay is really, really awesome. Enjoy it — and stop thinking of it as “foreplay.”
I tell everyone to maximize foreplay. I also have some issues with the term: "Foreplay" generally describes acts that arouse and titillate you and your partner prior to some kind of penetrative sex. Some sex acts -- blow jobs included -- are often relegated into this category, as if they are "lesser" sexual experiences than penetration.
Here's a fact: Some people can't have penetrative sex. Various bodily conditions render some unable to. For others, penetration simply isn't pleasurable and may never be. And sometimes the stuff we call "foreplay" is simply more fun.
Stop thinking of "warmup sex" as warmup sex. Maximize it. Sex doesn't fit a simple definition. If it's intimate and arousing and beautiful, it's sex.
Start by touching him. I love rubbing shoulders, rubbing legs, easing his body into mine, and helping him relax -- all well before my hands move to his crotch area. Again -- don't rush.
3. Get into blowjob headspace ahead of time.
It is an old truth that the best head-givers are ones who move on a mission. There is no "What do you want to do?" foreplay debate -- you're there to suck. You're in the mental position to give head. You've gotten yourself into headspace before you started. You've been eying his bulge. You want it.
If I am not in blow job headspace prior to starting, I'm probably not going to enjoy it or do a very good job of it. His pleasure starts with me -- I have to be having a good time in order for him to have a good time.
I have to prepare myself some time in advance that I'm going to suck. I want my mouth to be clean and be fully digested from my last meal so I don't immediately cough it up. If I move on a mission, once I'm there and can fully submit to his cock, I'll close my eyes and enjoy it.
4. Start with your clothes on.
Taking off clothes can be one of the hottest parts of sex -- don't rush it. Touch him everywhere except his intimate areas. When you finally rub his crotch, you know you're doing it right when you hear that audible gasp, which means "Oh, my God, you finally went there."
Massage his dick through his pants for a little bit -- gently so as not to cause any discomfort. Make a show of pulling his dick out. Do it slowly, and if he's wearing an elastic waistband, make sure you don't accidentally release it and pop him in the balls. This can be very painful and break the moment (unless he's into ball torture, in which case, by all means, pop him again). Look at his dick first before you dive. Kiss it. Study it.
5. Flick the frenulum.
A classic trick. The frenulum is the underside of the penis head, which for many men is the most sensitive part of the penis.
I generally always start by kissing the tip of the penis -- the head -- then moving down to the underside with the tip of my tongue. I'll move up and down the shaft with a series of light, gentle kisses before licking the rest. This helps me get an idea of its size and texture and smell -- the hottest part for me -- and gives me time to build up some saliva. When you're ready, start with gentle flicks on the frenulum with the tip of your tongue. Flick it back and forth, up and down, slowly creeping your lips up over his head, then backing off. The heat from your mouth and your breath will make him throb with anticipation -- practically begging you to slide it in your mouth.
6. Pay attention to how his dick behaves.
Just like fisting, anal sex, BDSM, and really good make-out sessions, giving head happens best once you've reached that post-language space of sex where words fall away. Talking becomes irrelevant and clumsy -- animal sounds, groans and roars, take over.
Keep talking to a minimum. Don't seek instruction, but if he tells you he likes something, do it. Don't ask for a progress report. Don't ask him to tell you when he's getting close -- that makes it seem like you're just waiting for him to cum and will make him start to feel performance anxiety (every man gets it). Remember: If he's having a good time, he may not be saying anything -- just breathing and moaning. That's an ideal state to be in.
His dick will tell you what feels good. If it jumps and throbs, it's happy. If it's leaking precum, it's very happy. Don't have a countdown clock in your head. Just enjoy it, and don't worry about time.
Remember: With kissing and make-out sessions, you're both simply playing off each other's movements, directing each other without words. The same is true for oral sex. (One talking exception is when he wants to be dominant -- see number 23.
7. Remember: Blowjobs are for your pleasure above all else.
All sex is for your pleasure -- even submissive sex in which someone takes over. Good sex is about doing what feels good for you, and for some people that means surrendering control.
So don't frame sucking dick in your mind as something you're solely doing for him. If you see it that way, you won't enjoy it, and neither will he.
This is your chance to intimately enjoy his dick. When it's in your butt, you're not able to feel every part of his penis -- you don't have the same nerves in your ass as you do in your mouth. In your mouth, you can feel every vein, texture, throb -- all of it. So relish in the experience of it, and only go for as long as you want. A good blow job is as much about getting what you want as it is for him.
8. Use spit in excess.
Your mouth will dry out. That's simply a fact. A nice person will add his saliva and contribute to the store of spit you have at your disposal -- either by spitting in your mouth or spitting on his dick -- but these (appreciated) moves are not guaranteed.
For this reason, you cannot stay on his dick the whole time. Take frequent breaks. Rub it on your face, lick or suck his balls (one of my favorite things to do), change positions, or let him take over. This gives you a chance to build up some saliva and breathe a little bit before starting again.
9. Don’t expect something in return. That’s not the point.
Oral sex isn't about making him cum. It's not a chore you have to get through in order to get something equally pleasurable after. Many people see oral sex this way -- as a cursory, prescribed action that generates an equal return, usually some kind of penetration. This mentality will make you rush through it to get to the "main event." If that's your outlook (it's perfectly fine to simply not enjoy oral sex), skip it and focus on whatever it is you really want to do.
10. Use your tongue.
You may be limited as to how well you can lick his dick once it's inside your mouth. The size of his dick and the size of your mouth will determine how much you can do -- a larger dick will make you less able to maneuver your tongue around it.
That's OK -- your tongue is still important. Licking his head, shaft, balls, and taint -- the space of skin between his hole and testicles -- can be just as intense.
11. Use your breath.
Practice sucking in air. Doing this pulls your cheeks against your teeth and tightens the space inside your mouth, creating a kind of vacuum suction that feels really great. You don't want to do that all the time, since you will suck in saliva too -- the necessary lube that makes this whole thing happen.
Obviously you cannot hold your breath for a nonstop inhale. That's not possible and would not be pleasurable. Practice breathing while his dick is in your mouth and slowly get comfortable doing so. If you have to stop, pause, and just breathe while keeping it in and getting adjusted, do it -- it'll be hot for you, and hot for him to watch you getting adjusted to it. The natural feeling of you breathing will feel great to him; don't worry.
12. It’s OK if you have a gag reflex — most people do.
It's great if you don't, and some people don't have a gag reflex at all, but most people do, and that's totally OK.
As things start to go into our throat, most people have a gag reflex that makes us close up our throat. This is how we choke. Start gentle and practice breathing with his dick inside your mouth. As it moves to the back of your mouth, try to keep breathing normally. You'll know where you start to feel uncomfortable.
13. Don’t be afraid to push your limit.
It's fun to push the limit of how far you can swallow his cock. I think it's really hot to choke on someone's dick -- and he probably will too. But don't push it too much or you might hurt yourself. Deep-throating -- sliding a cock past the larynx into the throat -- should not be seen as the maximum ideal of oral sex or a goal you must move toward. Not everyone can deep-throat, and not everyone should. Tissue trauma can cause problems back there, so don't be too rough.
14. Avoid commercially advertised oral sex sprays.
I generally don't recommend people using any of the oral sex throat sprays, which are essentially chloraseptic spray. Most are filled with some kind of topical anesthetic that numbs the skin at the back of the throat for a few minutes, allowing you to deep-throat.
Numbing the skin will mask pain, but pain isn't something you necessarily want to avoid. Pain is often a sign of injury or skin trauma. I steer clear of these products for the same reason I dissuade people from using desensitizing anal lube -- because you don't want to power through your body's natural limits. That's how people get hurt.
15. You can — and should — use your hands.
There's a myth in existence that great, ideal blow jobs are hands-free. Not true. Firstly, there is no "ideal" way to give head. Secondly, it's a simple fact that many men have a hard time staying hard without using their hands to stroke their penises and create blood flow. They may want to do this themselves, but you can always volunteer -- and that's when you absolutely should use your hands.
Stroke the base of his dick while licking and sucking the tip. Try simply playing with his dick for a bit with a hand job. I love playing with balls. If he's especially adventurous, he may be game for some intentional ball play. Gentle tugging, pulling, gripping, sucking, and light finger flicking can feel amazing on a man's testicles -- but always err on the side of extreme gentleness.
16. Don’t focus entirely on the blow job.
When I think, OK, I'm going to deliver a blow job, and I have to deliver a good one, it's not going to happen. I'm going to get worried about my performance and my skill. My thoughts will get in the way, and eventually I'll call it quits.
Instead, I focus on my own pleasure, my own mouth, and how this feels for me. Letting go and letting my body and my mouth simply explore him will create better sex. It will lead me through every step. Trusting my own sensation may mean that I at some point stop sucking and migrate to a rim job, or I may want to focus on his balls for a while. The focus is pleasure -- yours -- and not the specific sex act.
17. Be cautious with your teeth.
When you're new to giving head, avoid teeth altogether. I'll never forget the worst blow job of my life -- the next morning I had purple teeth marks in my dick.
Usually when you're too eager or aggressive or suck too hard, your teeth will come into contact with his anatomy, and it will hurt him. The skin of the penis is very thin and delicate and extremely sensitive. Hard objects like teeth hurt easily.
It's sometimes hard to avoid teeth, especially if he's huge. Try wrapping your lips around your teeth as a barrier, or staying close to the tip, around the head, where it's easier to avoid teeth-to-skin contact, and letting your hand take over at the base.
18. The easiest positions are usually best.
Sorry, sixty-nine fans. Be practical. Sixty-nining (when you both are sucking each other) looks hot in porn, but in reality it is very uncomfortable and very difficult to do. Every time I try sixty-nine, I have a hard time concentrating on what I'm doing and call it quits quickly. And if there's any height difference whatsoever between you and your playmate, it's not going to work.
Sometimes even being on your knees is hard. When in doubt, let him lie on the bed, ideally with his head and shoulders propped up on a pillow, and take over. Lie on the bed between his legs, take his dick in your hand, and start playing with it.
19. There’s no rule saying you have to swallow.
Blow jobs aren't about orgasm. I rarely can orgasm from a blow job -- many people can't. If you don't want to let him to cum in your mouth or don't want to swallow it, don't. You never have to do something you don't want to do, and you won't be a failure if you don't. Blow jobs are not about making someone cum -- they're about creating pleasure for both parties. That's it.
20. There is a time limit.
You'll know when you've reached your limit. Again, most guys can't stay hard forever, and you can't suck forever. Take frequent breaks, and when it's done, let it be done. There's no defeat in enjoying each other -- even if that's only for a few minutes.
21. Never shame someone for their inability to stay hard.
So many men struggle with this. It's a part of aging that doesn't get talked about. Men see their worth, their sexiness, and their dignity by their ability to hold an erection -- a lie that's been hammered into all of us by porn and unrealistic body standards (they exist for men as well as for women).
All men have body issues and body insecurity -- we just live in a cruel culture with few venues that allow us to talk about it. And a big part of that is the way we feel about our penises and our sexual performance.
There's so much more to sex than having an erection and putting it somewhere. There are intimate, powerful experiences that never involve orgasm -- and never need to. Don't shame someone for their inability to stay hard. That's just a part of life. Men, you are sexy and desirable just as you are with all the features that make you human.
22. If you like something, let him know.
Ideally without words. Moans, groans, grunts, and gasps are the language of sex and desire. Emitting sounds of pleasure tell him you're loving his dick.
23. Once you have some practice under your belt, try surrendering control.
In power exchange, the one getting sucked has the position of power. The one giving head has the submissive role. Sometimes it's really, really hot to increase that power exchange and let him fuck your face -- there are a variety of positions to do this in -- or simply take over and move your head, controlling the stroke, using your mouth as a human masturbation sleeve. It's objectifying, intense, degrading, and sexy -- all the things a skilled submissive loves.
24. Try some role reversal!
I tend to focus on cock sucking as an act of submission (my apologies, I'm a natural sub). But sucking is for dominant guys too -- especially when it's combined with kinks like edging, milking, and cum control.
Having someone please your dick orally is intense -- especially when you're bound. Try some role reversal, and suck like you're in charge -- because you are.
Edging is the popular fetish of tying someone up and pleasing his dick with your mouth, hands, and maybe some toys like vibrators -- but delaying orgasm, sometimes for hours on end, at which point the withholding ("cum control") becomes a form of pleasurable torture.
Milking is the practice of making a man orgasm via prostate stimulation -- massaging the prostate, located a few inches inside the anus, until he blows a load. This orgasm is intense and hands-free -- many guys say it's the strongest orgasm they can experience, which is why so many sex toy companies have found a loyal customer base in men seeking prostate toys. A good milking session definitely involves some determined sucking. You're in control -- make him cum hard.