I’m gay because I love men. I’m a bottom because I love anal. While these two things are not mutually exclusive, one does not automatically predict or determine the other. My evidence: Gay total tops exist, and there are (many) straight men in the world who love getting fingered, pegged, and played with — in the butt.
To my straight male brothers: Regardless if you’re straight, gay, or bisexual, you can still enjoy a wonderful thing called ass play (often styled as “assplay” in the gay lexicon). In fact, more and more straight men are. You’re not alone!
My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.
Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.
For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.
Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter @BadAlexCheves and visit my blog, The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend.
One of the most common myths of anal sex is that it is a painful and messy experience.
Sure, anal sex and ass play can hurt if you go too fast, and it will be messy at times — most sex is. Like all sexual activities, it has a learning curve. Learning how to do it better means learning proper ass-cleaning techniques and which lubes work better than others. But if you go slow and do it right, you will get better, and that’s when the fun starts.
There’s a whole market of anal sex toys out there marketed exclusively to straight men. Take advantage of these. Good anal play starts with toys. Buy high-quality ones, not those cheap ones from novelty shops. Do some research. (Silicone is a far superior material to plastic or gel, but some guys love hypoallergenic, nonporous, friction-free materials glass and stainless steel — I do.)
Many, many guys like anal play — and not all of them are gay or bi. All asses feel the same, regardless of your sexual orientation, which means they can all receive the same pleasure.
There are multiple ways to try bottoming. “Bottoming” doesn’t just mean “getting fucked by a penis.” Some guys like prostate stimulation toys, others like butt plugs, others like getting fingered, and some straight guys, believe it or not, love more extreme toys like depth toys, vibrating eggs, and XL dildos. You can do a lot of anal play solo or with a (willing, adventurous, awesome) playmate.
There are awesome women in the world who want to fuck you. Literally. They want to do you from behind.
If you’re adventurous in bed and can get past all the cultural baggage and myth surrounding femininity, masculinity, gender roles, and who gets fucked by whom, you might get the chance to play with them and explore something completely new. Let go of everything you’ve been taught about sex and be open to new ways of enjoying your body.
If you’re a straight man whose entire sexual experience amounts to vaginal sex, you must know that you can’t treat your ass (or anyone’s ass) like a vagina.
Vaginas secrete their own natural lubricant, although women the world over will attest that adding lube makes sex more pleasurable for them. While lube may be seen as more optional in vaginal sex, lube is absolutely necessary when you’re playing in the butt.
To make cleaning your ass easier, you may want to consider doing something that you should be doing anyway — eating a healthy diet. Browse my 17 tips for happier, healthier bottoming.
Most guys know the underside of the penis feels good when stimulated. It’s a locus point of nerve endings. But there are other male g-spots.
The prostate is a g-spot, and it’s located about two inches (depending on your age and your anatomy) inside your ass. It’s roughly the size of a walnut, and it feels really good when pressed or rubbed (by prostate toys, fingers, etc.).
There is a third pleasure spot: Your hole. Your anal sphincter, the muscular ring at the base of your colon, feels very tight when you first start to play in it. This is because you’ve spent your whole life involuntarily clenching this muscle.
You might discover, as I have, that working this muscle and training it to open feels really, really good. I can hit orgasm from hole play by itself.
If you suffer from too-quick ejaculation (a pretty common problem), try delaying orgasm with toys, fingers, or some form of anal stimulation, giving your cock a rest and trying new ways to climax. Get ready for the hardest cum shots of your life.
Some guys swear by prostate toys. P-spot stimulators are blowing up today’s sex toy market, and their target audience is straight men.
Why? Because guys the world over are learning how good these toys feel. P-spot toys produce stronger, harder orgasms because prostate-stimulated orgasms are harder and stronger — simple as that.
It’s a simple fact of sexual experience. When you learn how your own anatomy works, you will better understand the anatomy of others. If you ever want to get to get really good at giving anal, you need to know how it feels.
Some people are intimidatingly confident in their sexuality. They know what they like and they don’t apologize for it. Those people are what I call “sexy.”
Discovering you like something different, whether it’s bottoming, getting kinky, being dominant, enjoying bondage, or exploring submission can be very sexually liberating. Sexual liberation — freedom from the tyranny of religion and social constructs and all the ways we’ve been taught to behave in bed — is the goal of everything I write and something I wish for everyone, gay and straight.
If you’ve ever had an anal craving or even thought about trying it, do it. Explore the stuff that turns you on — safely, with proper knowledge and a willingness to learn. As long as you explore your interests in a safe, sane, consensual manner, you’re free to do what you want — and you should.
Anal sex is always the subject my straight buddies want to talk to me about. I’ve never understood it. I rarely ask about their sex lives unless they’re asking me for advice, but they quite frequently ask me about mine. Most people know that I’m pretty forthcoming with my sex life, and sometimes I wonder if it titillates them a little bit. I hope it encourages them to try the things they want to try.
Anal sex isn’t the whole of my sex life, but it constitutes a big part of it. It is as natural to me as vaginal sex is for others. I can’t imagine going a lifetime without butt sex, just as I imagine some men go a lifetime without ever having anal sex. That’s baffling to me.
If you want to feel what I feel, there’s only one way to try. Lube up.
Natural News reports that prostate massage is one way you can reduce your risk of prostate cancer, which remains one of the leading causes of cancer death among men of all races in the United States, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. So buy a p-spot toy, grab some lube, and get some quiet time in your bathroom.
I’ve also read that drinking coffee, frequent masturbation, having a healthy diet, and cardiovascular exercise also reduce your chances. Diets high in soy, vitamin D, calcium, and green tea may also help. Fight cancer — try anal.